Alchama

By: EJSpock

Disclaimer: Voyager is not mine, if it was, do you think I'd still be stuck in CowManureVille?

By: Jennica Williams

Disclaimor: If "they" want it, "they" can have it.

Author's Note: Two authors??? Two disclaimers??? What's going on??? :-) EJ is holding a contest on her web site (deadline is Jan. 31, 1999) and she's challenged us to finish a story she started. Her "Unforgettable" eppie addition has been melded with my "Counterpoint" eppie addition...and then I tossed in a story I started a year ago for flavor. The result? Below.

Kathryn Janeway pressed the door chime to Commander Chakotay's quarters, clutching a stack of reports to her chest. She managed to do so without dropping a single one, though she had no idea how. There were so many reports and she was extremely grateful to Chakotay for volunteering to help her with them, even if he may have ulterior motives.

Stop that, Kathryn, she chided herself. Just because Chakotay has feelings for you, doesn't mean anything. He respects your decision, and wouldn't try anything without your consent. Well, he may use those dimples of his, but you can resist those, right?

"Come in," Chakotay called. "I'll be out in a minute."

Janeway stumbled through the door, and dumped the huge stack of PADDS on Chakotay's coffee table. With a sigh of relief, she collapsed onto his sofa, a faint crinkling sound as her body came in contact with the cushion caught her attention.

Knowing that is was really none of her business, but unable to stop her curiosity, Kathryn delved under the cushion. Almost immediately, Kathryn's hand came in contact with a sheaf of papers, which she pulled out.

Every fiber of the Captain inside her screamed at her to put them back, that they were the personal property of the Commander, and she had no right to be reading them, but Kathryn, for once, managed to win out. Recognizing, Chakotay's handwriting at once, she began to read.

She was beautiful. No, not just beautiful, she was the most lovely creature that I had ever laid eyes on. Beauty was the least of her charms, however. She was also extremely intelligent, dedicated in her work, and had a quiet inner strength that compelled a person to get to know her better. I also loved her.

Kathryn smiled, a tear in her eye. This has to be about me, she thought. Perhaps Chakotay meant for me to find it, to tell me of his feelings. He's always been quite shy about them, hiding behind ancient legends. This has got to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever written about me. If only I weren't the Captain. . ." Her momentary fantasy on what might be was rudely shattered by the next words on the page.

Her name was Kellin.

Kathryn blinked in confusion. Reading it again, she found it still said the same thing. Her name was Kellin. HER NAME WAS KELLIN.

How did this happen? she thought desperately. There's no one named Kellin on the crew, and I don't remember meeting an alien named Kellin. Then the answer, or at least a possible answer came to her. Shore leave, of course. He must have met somebody on shore leave, had a brief relationship, then had to leave. . .but to actually be in love? That quickly? I didn't think Chakotay was that type. . .

Unable to read any farther, Kathryn threw the papers to the floor, as the emotions she had tucked away in the farthest corner of her heart, exploded throughout her. Love, mixed with extreme grief and jealousy flooded her body, plunging her into a maelstrom of despair. With a strangled sob, she fled his quarters, not caring who saw her in her current state.

Chakotay had been changing into civilian clothes, when he heard a strangled cry from his main room. "Kathryn?" he called. "Are you all right?" Receiving no answer, he dashed from his bedroom, half-dressed, fearing the worst. Instead of Kathryn, all he found were papers scattered all over his floor. Collecting them, he managed to put them in some semblance of order, before beginning to read them, in hopes of finding what had upset Kathryn.

The more he read, the more confused he became. It was certainly his handwriting, but he remembered none of these events. He wasn't sure if he wanted to, either. It just seemed too incredible. One day, he was suspicious of her, suspecting some sort of hidden motive, and the next, he was desperately in love with her? It made no sense. He was in love with Kathryn, this "Kellin" person just seemed to be infatuation, a passing fling.

Finishing it, and finally understanding why he had no recollection of the events, Chakotay thought, If Kathryn read this, it's no wonder she's upset. . .wait a minute. If she's upset about me with another woman, that means she does have feelings for me. Maybe it's not too late. Determined to salvage what was left of their relationship, and perhaps get it to go a bit further, Chakotay dashed out of his quarters, heedless to the fast that he still wasn't wearing a shirt.

He pressed the door chime to her quarters, and as he had expected, he got no response. He wasn't about to let that stop him, however, and quickly punched in his override code. The doors slid open, and he entered her quarters, trying to figure out just what he was going to say.

"Kathryn?" he called into the darkened quarters. A sob being held back whispered past his ears. Moving without hesitation to her bedroom, he found the captain, still in full uniform, flung across her bed and clutching her pillow tightly as she buried her face in it.

"Kathryn?" he asked more gently kneeling beside the bed and placing his hand on her back. Her whole frame shook as she tried to suppress a sob. "I'm here, Kathryn. Please, listen to me-"

"No." It came out as a gasp as she turned her face to him. Swollen red eyes still filled with tears met his concerned chocolate ones. "No." It was lower this time. Held a note of finality to it. "I had no right to read your personal letters. Whoever she is, I'll leave you to her." Turning away, she pushed his hand back as she returned her face to the damp pillow.

"No, Kathryn." Chakotay moved so he could gather her in his arms. "I don't know who she is. If you had finished it, you'd know that she came here twice. Both times after she left, our memories of her and her people were erased."

Kathryn jerked out of his embrace and sat up to glare at him. "You expect me to believe that?!" she demanded.

"I can't expect anything less." Chakotay held out both of his hands. "It's the truth. I'll bring the papers over and you can read them yourself. "

Kathryn eyed the commander. He was lying. He had to be. The story he'd come up with was completely and utterly inconceivable. Better to know now than later, she figured. If Chakotay had this little respect for her intelligence and thought she'd be fooled by a simple story, perhaps she was right to resist him for all these years. A relationship with him could only end in her being hurt and insulted.

Standing up, she wiped the tears from her face and moved towards her sitting room. Chakotay followed, thinking that she wanted to see the papers.

"I'll go get them," he started to wrap her in his embrace, but stopped as she placed her hands against his chest to prevent him.

"Let go of me, Commander."

Chakotay's instinct instantly told him that she was mad. Livid. Dropping his arms, he moved to stand in front of her. "Kathryn?"

"If you think I'm going to believe your little tale, you're in for a surprise. I'm not some cadet or ensign fresh out of the Academy who has no experience in this world. I know what is and is not possible. Erasing our memories is possible. Erasing computer data with no record of it is not. Get out."

"No. Let me at least have a chance to-"

"I said out." Kathryn grasped Chakotay's elbows as he reached for her and started walking towards the door. "I'm not going to stand by and listen to you make excuses-"

"-they're not excuses! It's what happened!"

"-while you're running around with someone named Kellin. If they're not excuses, why would you write that?"

"I have no idea." Chakotay stumbled over a spare pair of boots as she continued to back him towards the door. For someone so small, she sure was strong when determination set in, he thought to himself.

"Because you wanted to see what kind of reaction I'd have." Kathryn hissed at him.

"No!"

"Don't lie!" she raised her voice in response to his. "We both know you harbor feelings towards me. Maybe this was your way of 'getting me.' Well, Commander, it won't work. I want you out of here!"

"Kathryn, don't be stupid!"

"Your plan backfired. I don't need anyone to comfort me and tell me they're not in love with someone else."

"You think I'd plan something like that?!" Chakotay stared at the woman before him as he continued to be forcefully backed up.

"I know you did!"

"Kathryn! Be sensible!" Chakotay jerked out of her grip and regarded her carefully. "Think. Would I ever do anything to hurt you?"

"Apparently, yes. Computer, door." She took a step towards Chakotay and pushed him square on the chest, hard. He stumbled backwards into the corridor and against the wall opposite her door. "Don't ever come near me again when we're off duty, Commander!"

Without another glance at him, Captain Janeway called for the door to close and left Chakotay leaning against the wall nursing a bruised elbow.

"Rough night?"

Chakotay jumped. "How long have you been here?" he demanded, darkly.

"Let's just say I had to jump out of the way so she didn't throw you into me." Tom replied.

"Get out of my way, Ensign." Chakotay muttered pushing past Tom and storming towards his quarters.

Tom turned to continue back to his quarters. The shift on the bridge the next morning would be pure torture.

Harry shifted uneasily from his place at the OPs console. Tom had been right. He could feel the tension between the captain and commander and the two had been on the bridge for only about ten minutes.

Beep. His dark eyes instantly turned back to his console. "Captain, I'm picking up some sort of vessel. About ten light years from here. They're sending out a distress signal."

"On screen." Kathryn stood up and moved forward as she unconsciously put her hand on her hip.

"Audio only." Kim tapped a few buttons as the alien's voice filled the bridge.

"Strange vess-el. We are the Pr'Nari." The loud voice came across the speakers some what broken. Their communications systems had obviously been damaged. "-quest assistance. Los-ing oxygen. Life supp- off line."

Janeway exchanged a glance with Chakotay. Even if she was angry with him, he was still the one she turned to at a moment when a decisive action was needed. He nodded slightly -- just enough so she would know what he thought. "We'll be glad to lend assistance." Kathryn turned back to Harry and started to open her mouth.

"ETA is twenty minutes at maximum warp."

"Course laid in," Tom acknowledged from his place at the helm before she turned back.

All eyes were on the captain. She looked around with a wry smile. "What do you need me here for?"

"It is traditional-"

"Engage." Janeway ordered effectively cutting off Tuvok. Returning to her chair, she sat down and crossed her legs as she planted both hands on the arm rests.

"We're within visual range of the ship in distress." Harry announced after what seemed like only mere minutes later.

Nothing happened. "Mr. Kim?"

"Would you like it on the main screen?" he asked.

Kathryn pursed her lips together and smothered a grin. If this was their attempt to make the bridge shift a little more light hearted since she and her first officer had shown up with plasma storms hovering over their heads, it was working. "No. I want it beamed into cargo bay sixteen."

"Captain, there's not-"

"On screen, Mr. Kim!"

Harry hid a smile as he entered the commands. If the captain was making jokes -- even bad ones, then commander would be happy. If the commander was smiling, the ship could rest assured that it would be a good day.

Kathryn tried to ignore the flutter in her heart as she watched Kashyk retreat into his quarters. The security officer behind her snapped to attention as she turned around. Regarding him for a moment, she spoke. "As you were."

He assumed the relaxed 'parade rest' stance and offered her an expression that was something between a smile and a grimace. She ignored it and continued the route back to her quarters.

They had done it -- she and Kashyk. They'd calculated the system the wormhole would be opening in next. It would only be a matter of days before the wormhole would open and they would be granted safe passage through.

Slipping into her quarters, Kathryn peeled off her jacket once again before she collapsed on her sofa and leaned back to look at the stars. One by one, two by two, millions by millions they flew past her window. A low speeds, it was possible to see individual dots of light, but at high warp, they dots turned into streaks as they zipped past. Most were white, of course, but some held colors to them and added a rainbow to the already beautiful scene. A blue one zipped past, followed by a red giant. Kashyk had a knack for relating things to music, she'd seen. With a small smile, she decided that if she were to title the scene before her it would have to be called "Symphony for the Eyes." Leaning back further into her couch, she sighed. It was peaceful, there in her quarters. Since the inspections had begun, it seemed that the only time she really rested was for a few moments when all seemed to be running smoothly and she was allowed 'time away' from the bridge.

Of course, since Kashyk had come on board, they hadn't encountered another inspection team. She found that slightly suspicious, but not enough so to warrant an investigation. They were, after all, attempting to evade Devore sensors like the plagues of Exodus.

Moving her thoughts back to the handsome man with dimples in both cheeks, Kathryn couldn't stop the smile from slipping across her visage. While on duty, she had to be slightly suspicious of him, while attempting to make him think otherwise. Off duty however, she was allowed to let her thoughts roam and wonder what would become of their friendship. Yes, she considered it a growing friendship. She'd told him earlier that evening that she wasn't even sure if she liked him, but she knew the truth. He and his dimples were irresistible. And she was falling. Even sitting on her couch, alone in the dark, her finger tips were tingling and burning.

But, she had to play two roles. The woman in her was ready to fall into Kashyk's arms and allow him to love her, but the captain hesitated to open her heart up to him. One could never be too careful, she reasoned. Like tonight. She was thankful the replicators had been turned off in his quarters. She had wanted to stay -- been tempted to -- but she had to be on her guard against him. Besides, if she had stayed what would the crew have thought? Chakotay? Would it have matter if she was dining with Kashyk?

Allowing moments from earlier in the evening to play through her mind, Kathryn briefly wondered if Kashyk would have kissed her when she'd turned to him and mentioned the counterpoint in the melody. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

"Wait a minute!" Janeway bolted up from where she'd relaxed on the sofa. Hands on her hips, she paced the floor in front of the window. Kashyk had said that he'd been thinking of this for years, she mused. But, in the mess hall he'd said that it was only months ago when he'd pulled the girl out of the cramped space that he'd decided to get away. Something didn't fit. Could it be that he'd been having those feelings for years and the incident with the child made him decide now was the time? No, Voyager's being there would have been too perfect. She figured there were other alien vessels he could have signed on -- even if most did take care to avoid Devore space. A shuttle like the one he'd used to get to them on the edge of their space would easily have given him access to another ship. Stopping, she rested her hands on her hips and gazed out at the stars again. The symphony suddenly seemed to clash and blur together as tears formed in her eyes.

Did she now have absolute proof he was lying to her? She must be careful, she reasoned. With a new melody raising in dynamics to make itself known, Janeway made a vow. If he was a double agent, she would have her counterstrike ready. They would see how the composer finished this piece.

"The bridge is yours."

Kathryn turned away as Kashyk moved towards the turbolift. Her eyes misted with tears as she stared at the view screen. "It's always been mine," she finally whispered to the empty room. "You just thought you could have it."

No one heard the words, save the captain, as she whispered them. Brushing away the first tear as it fell, Kathryn stood from her first officer's chair. She wouldn't allow herself the tears. Kashyk had betrayed her. She'd known better to get involved with him -- even had a warning about his double life, yet her heart had become emotionally attached. What was it, she wondered. Was he so irresistible because he was on even ground as her? He had been in command of his own team, and for once, she had had someone who really understood her. Or was it merely those dimples? She smiled wryly at the view screen. Tall, dark, and handsome...with dimples. How could anyone resist falling for someone who could melt a woman's heart with a smile. She shook herself mentally, he was a rebel, Kathryn Janeway! An outlaw! All good captains know to not get involved with the internal affairs of aliens -- and you nearly broke every rule. You would have if he hadn't turned out to be a spy.

The doors to the turbolift slid open behind her. Folding her arms across her chest, Kathryn knew who was there without turning around. "Status?"

"They're gone."

She nodded once and turned around. Tall. Dark. Handsome. A rebel with dimples who had commanded his own ship. Kathryn felt a surge of shock course over her as she ran over the similarities between Kashyk and Chakotay. "You have the bridge, Commander." She said hoarsely moving for her ready room.

"Captain." He moved quickly across the bridge and caught her by the arm. "Kathryn."

Janeway's jaw set itself in a firm line as she glared at where his hand held her arm.

"Sorry." He dropped his hand and then hesitated as if unsure of how to continue. "I.. -I know you felt something for Kashyk." He began softly. "I just want you to know I'm here-"

"You're always here, Commander." Janeway hissed at him. "That's the problem." Turning on her heel, Kathryn made quick exit to her ready room. "Proceed to the Alpha Quadrant!" she called over her shoulder.

Engaging the security lock, Kathryn curled up on her sofa. "Captain's personal log. Stardate 58962.38. We're moving out of Devore space, safely I hope. Yet, I can't help but feel a sense of loss at the same time." Pulling her knees up to her chest, Kathryn rested her chin on them. "I must admit that I did feel something for Inspector Kashyk, and I didn't quite fulfill my responsibilities as a captain. Oh, I kept my head clear enough to gather that he was probably a double agent and I was ready for him to act on it, but as far as my heart...I wasn't prepared. I should have been more leery of someone who seemed too good to be true. Because, that's exactly what he was. I was a fool and he was a spy." Kathryn fell into a silence again as she kicked herself over her own stupidity.

"What I found surprising....." she stumbled over the next few words knowing what her utterance of them in a personal log would mean. "What I found surprising were the similarities. Not between myself and Kashyk, but between my first officer and him. Even after all Chakotay and I have been through with my outbursts, I have to admit that I'd trust him before anyone else. Not to mention he's one of the handsomest men I've ever laid eyes on. What is it about rebels that draws me to them?" Kathryn moaned. "Why can't I just find a nice, sensible man like Mark was?" She sat there in silence for another few moments before raising her face to the illumination of the stars. "Computer, end log."

"Commander, a word with you?"

Chakotay glanced up at the sound of Tuvok's voice. "Of course. What is it?" he asked taking another sip of the soup.

Tuvok set down his dinner tray and regarded the commander carefully. "It is about the nature of your relationship with the captain. I fear that-"

"That's enough." Chakotay pushed back his chair and grabbed the tray. "I don't believe my relationship with the captain is any of your business, Lieutenant. If you'll excuse me, I've got reports to read."

Tuvok watched as Chakotay made a hasty exit and left a few officers staring after him. Taking a sip of the lime green tea served with dinner that evening, Tuvok proceeded to eat his meal in silence.

"Captain."

Janeway looked up from her console as Tuvok crossed the threshold to her ready room. "Yes, Tuvok?"

"I have a detailed security report accounting the movements of the Devore and Kashyk while they were on board." He laid it on her desk.

Taking it, Kathryn scanned it noting how thorough he was. She shouldn't be surprised, she knew, but it pained her a little to see how detailed he had been about the amount of security on duty wherever Kashyk had been during his few days on Voyager. There. That line right there. About half way down the padd, she saw that he had made a blunt remark about there being no security officers present in the mess hall while she and Kashyk had been attempting to solve the mystery of where the wormhole would appear next. A captain putting herself at risk. Starfleet was going to love that.

Shaking her head, she wondered briefly if she could get Tuvok to change a few of those lines. Fat chance. It was more likely that a wormhole leading directly to Earth would open up right under their nose.

"You are not satisfied with my report." Tuvok observed as Janeway's forehead wrinkled in distaste.

"Not that, Tuvok. It's.....detailed. As always. But......." her eyes ran over the padd again. "Is there any other way to say that Kashyk and I were in the mess hall alone? You've made it clear that I insisted on security monitoring his every movement, but you noted that we worked without officers hovering over our shoulders."

"Captain, Inspector Kashyk was a spy. It is for that very reason that I make mention of his working with you alone. You should not have put yourself in that situation."

"Don't you think I know that?" Kathryn demanded. "I've been reviewing that time enough on my own. I don't need Starfleet to help me."

Beep.

"Perhaps, in the future, you will remember that."

Beep.

My word, he's reprimanding me as though I'm a cadet! Janeway frowned.

Beep. Beep.

Both heads swiveled to the door as the lock was over ridden and it slid open.

Janeway jumped up as Chakotay entered the room. "Commander, you have no right-"

"Just what is this?!" he demanded throwing a data padd on the desk and glaring coolly at Kathryn.

Her eyes flicked downward for a moment, then raised to meet his -- challenging.

"It appears to be the captain's personal log." Tuvok stated from the side. "How did you obtain it, Commander?"

"That's none of your business, Tuvok. You're dismissed." Kathryn's eyes didn't leave Chakotay's face as she spoke to the Vulcan.

"Captain, I must object. If you did not give your log to him to be read, this could be a security breach that must be looked into."

Chakotay cast a sideways glance at Tuvok and gave a short laugh. "Go ahead, Kathryn. Tell him."

Janeway's eyebrows lowered in anger at her first officer. "Tuvok, you're dismissed."

Tuvok glanced between the two knowing there was unspoken communication traveling between them and still curious as to how the commander had obtained the report.

"Dismissed!"

Not missing a beat, Tuvok finally moved towards the door.

"Just what do you expect to gain by barging in here like that?!" Kathryn exclaimed moving around the desk to stand face to face with the commander.

"Hopefully, some answers."

"Well, now Tuvok has questions." She snapped back. "And he's probably got enough information already to throw you in the brig for violating private logs."

"No, no, dear Captain." Chakotay leaned over her. "I've got more on you that he'll ever get on me. Remember, I learned how to cover my tracks in the Maquis. You, on the other hand...."

"I read your logs for security reasons." Janeway protested.

"So did I!" He watched Janeway bestow a frown on him. "All right. Maybe some personal reasons too. But, the deal is done. We've known each other was reading our logs for over three years." He chuckled suddenly, "Kathryn, you've even left notes for me in them!"

"So?" a small smile turned up the sides of her mouth. "We've had some interesting conversations between them."

"Exactly." He reached out and caught her chin. "We always have interesting conversations."

Janeway turned away from him and gazed back out at the stars. Giving a weary sigh, she wrapped her arms around herself. "Get out, Commander. You've wrecked enough havoc in here for today."

"No. I've read the log. I know you feel something for me. I'm not leaving until I know exactly what."

Spinning around, she eyed him coolly. "You're giving the orders now? I don't remember giving you a promotion."

He took a step towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I don't need a promotion, Kathryn. I need you to look at our friendship and admit that there's something more there."

"I refuse to." She tried to step out of his grasp, but he held her firm. "Commander!"

"Hush." He whispered leaning towards her face. "Tell me you don't feel anything for me. Tell me you hate me and wish you'd left me to die at the hands of the Kazon."

"I....I don't hate you, Chakotay." She stumbled over the words as she tried to pry his hands from her shoulders.

"I know you don't." He replied softly pressing her against the wall of her ready room. "I know that you are, in fact, in love with me just as much as I am with you."

"No..." she placed her hands on his chest and tried to push, but he was prepared.

"It won't work, dear Kathryn. I've got you cornered this time." He chuckled.

"Chakotay, let go of me." Her voice was low again. Chakotay knew it meant trouble for him, but he had to know.

Closing the remaining few inches, he brushed a soft kiss over her lips. As he pulled back, he opened his eyes to find two blue orbs shooting daggers at him. "Tell me you don't love me and I'll never bother you again."

Janeway regarded him silently for a moment and then plucked the communicator from his jacket. "You've just earned yourself a day in the brig."

"Captain."

Janeway glanced up from her meal, startled. "Seven." A smile flitted across her mouth as she motioned for the younger woman to join her.

"I require information about this new planet we are orbiting."

Janeway forced herself not to groan. It would happen that the day she sentenced her first officer to twenty four hours in the brig they would come across a planet willing to trade with them. Unfortunately, besides carrying his already heavy workload, Kathryn was being burdened by negotiations with the prince of this world.

"What is it you require?"

"There is an opportunity for shoreleave, correct?"

"Yes." Janeway looked at her carefully. "Do you wish to visit the planet?"

"No. I overheard Ensign Kim and one of the Delaney twins discussing it."

"Oh?" Kathryn bit back a grin. She'd heard through a certain first officer that Harry had become enamored with Megan Delaney. The only problem was that Jenny had set her cap for Harry.

"He was attempting to get her to join him for an afternoon on the planet." Seven twisted a napkin around her hands. "Captain, I am curious as to the new emotion I am experiencing when I think of Ensign Kim and Megan Delaney accompanying one another to the planet. Since you have helped me concerning other issues, I felt it would be best for me to come to you. I fear that this new emotion may in some way be not of my own and would in turn hurt the crew."

Janeway regarded Seven for a long moment. Setting down her water glass, she heard Chakotay's words of long ago roll through her mind. 'The crew thinks of you as Seven's mother.' How appropriate, she mused.

"Do you feel a tense knot in your stomach when you see them together?" Janeway began, already knowing what was wrong.

"Yes." Seven replied. "It is extremely uncomfortable."

"Being with them is also uncomfortable, right?"

"Yes."

"And do you wish Megan would remain a far distance from Harry? Or do you feel yourself break into nervous agitation when he is around?"

Seven nodded quickly. "Affirmative on both accounts."

Janeway chuckled softly. "Congratulations, Seven. Your first crush."

Seven's face paled slightly. "My first.......crush?" she asked, hesitantly. "How do I proceed?"

Kathryn laughed and buried her hands in her face. "Seven, there is no one way to proceed. Either you'll in some way allow Harry to know you're interested in him as more than a friend or you won't and your feelings will pass."

Seven stared at the wall behind the captain as she took in this information. She had come expecting to gather information on another subject, but had not realized she would be learning about her emotions as well.

"Captain, are you going to inform the commander of your feelings or are you waiting for him to do so?"

"What?" Kathryn blinked rapidly. When had the conversation turned to her and Chakotay?

"The Commander. I assumed that you realized you have a 'crush' on him. The symptoms you have informed me of and the gossip around the ship have led me to the conclusion that you both harbor feelings towards each other that transcend a mere friendship."

"I...I..-"

"Yet," Seven continued quickly. "Your recent behavior with Inspector Kashyk would indicate otherwise." She tilted her head to the side quickly. "How does the commander feel about your involvement with the Inspector?"

Janeway folded her napkin and briskly stood up. "Seven, that is none of your concern. And, I really must be going. I have more work to do than time to do it in."

"The commander is in the brig. For what purpose? He should be helping you."

"Chakotay violated a rule that was set between a captain and a first officer a long time ago." Kathryn offered softly remembering her 'defining parameters' speech. "If you'll excuse me..."

Seven watched the captain leave. The moment the mess hall doors had closed behind her, Ensigns Kim and Paris and Lt. Torres pounced on their spy.

"Well? What did you learn?" B'Elanna asked.

"I still say you should have sat closer so we could have listened in." Tom muttered.

"What I tell you will be sufficient." Seven countered, casting a glance at Harry.

Janeway leaned back in her chair as she rubbed her temples. The negotiations with the Rwerian people were going good, but it was so demanding of her. The prince of the city was constantly wanting to meet with her, and she was just about to the point of exhaustion. No thanks to that XO of hers either, she thought wryly. But it was her fault. She knew that. In the past few days, she'd been doing nothing to improve her relationship with Chakotay, in fact, she was pushing him away.

The door to her ready room chimed. "Come." She answered tiredly.

"The prince wants to speak with you again." Chakotay told her.

"Patch through him in here." She sighed.

"Also captain, I'd like to request shore leave after my shift is over."

"Granted."

"Will you join me?"

She barely met his eyes. "No. I've been tired lately with all of this chasing around. I believe I'm going to go to bed early tonight, that is, if I can get out of another meeting with these people."

Chakotay turned away not really amazed that she had turned him down...again. It hurt him, he needed a companion to whom he could confide in, but she didn't seem to want the same thing. So, to please her, he had been pulling away. It appeared to make her happy when he was emotionally farthest from her, but sometimes Chakotay thought he saw regret in her eyes. Sometimes, but not most of the time.

It was late. Janeway had managed to avoid the prince's pleas for another meeting, but the data padds were not as easily put off. She pushed her hair back. She shouldn't have cut it, for now it only made it easier to get in her face. But what was done, was done. No turning back. Just like their relationship. She didn't like it either, but a captain could not have a personal relationship like that.

Kathryn could barely keep her eyes open. She tossed the padd carelessly on her couch as she stumbled towards her bed room in exhaustion.

Chakotay hovered beside one of the booths in the market place. He was looking intently at a necklace that had caught his eye. Actually, it was two necklaces. Both were thin gold chains with a tiny charm attached. It was the charm that had caught his attention. A single tiny coin with etchings on it cut in two, one half attached to each chain. He'd heard about this sort of trinket on Earth, but they had become outdated with the airplane. If his memory served right, one half was to be kept by the giver, and he was supposed to give the other half to someone special. The captain. He may not be able to give it to her just yet, but maybe one day...

He felt in his pocket. It would come close, but he should have just enough money. Chakotay quickly made his purchase.

"It is an expensive item. No doubt for some special lady."

Chakotay turned toward the owner of the voice with the thick accent. A woman with long honey blond curls was just behind him.

"Yes, it is for someone special." He answered her.

"A lover, perhaps?"

"No. Not a lover. A friend."

"Ahh..." she looked at him carefully. "But you wish she was more."

"Yes, but I..." he trailed off. Why should he be telling this foreign woman his troubles?

"I am Cysnocaj." She held out a slim hand to his.

He shook it hesitantly. "Chakotay."

"Are you a new visitor to our planet?"

"Yes, our ship is negotiating with your officials for supplies."

"Ahh...then you do not know the meaning of the alchama," she motioned at the necklaces.

"Alchama?" Chakotay wondered at exactly what he had just bought.

"Yes," Cysnocaj smiled. "It is a token to be given to someone who is more than a friend. Soul mates."

Chakotay wordlessly looked down at the coins. Soul mates. Perfect. He wasn't quite sure how to respond to Cysnocaj, but that didn't bother her.

"So you don't know your way around the market. Allow me to show it to you." She took his arm and led him away from the trinket booth.

Chakotay held back for a minute. But why should he? It wasn't like he had a tie to the captain to maintain and if a beautiful woman wanted to show him around the market, then he would relax and enjoy it.

Chakotay was the last of Voyager's crew to beam back aboard that night. He'd had fun. Cysnocaj had been a wonderful tour guide. In fact, Chakotay was going to meet her tomorrow evening so she could take him to a coffee shop she was fond of.

As he walked back to his quarters, he shoved his hands into the pockets of the civilian clothes he wore. His fingers wrapped around the two halves of the coin. Once in the safety of his quarters, he pulled the chains out and let them dangle from his hand as he gazed at the coins.

Chakotay knew it would be inappropriate to give it to her at this point in their lives. She was determined they would not have a relationship that was anything more than a friendship. Sometimes, he wondered if she had decided that even a friendship was too risky with him. He meshed the halves together so they formed a single, whole coin. They fit perfectly, as Chakotay knew Kathryn and his hearts did. As far as he was concerned, she was the other half of his heart. Maybe one day she would allow him to give her the charm.

He took the first half of the coin and put it around his neck. The chain and charm could be hidden nicely under his uniform-no one need know he wore it. Replicating a small scrap of white silk and a piece of tissue paper, Chakotay wrapped Kathryn's half after writing a short note on the paper:

If something happened to him, then at least she would know.

Janeway stood in front of her mirror the next morning as she brushed the short locks around her face. It would be a busy day if the prince got his way, and he would- they needed the supplies. Yesterday, he had managed to convince her to agree to a tour of the city today. She had willingly, but now that the appointed time was here, she was dreading it.

As the hum of the transporter left a slight ringing in her ears, the prince stepped forward, hands extended.

"Kathryn!" he smiled widely. "How are you this fine morn?"

"I am fine." She smiled at him. "How are you?"

"I am much better now that I am in your presence." He extended an arm towards her. "Shall we be on our way?"

"Of course."

The Rwerians had been deemed a safe people, so Janeway did not have an escort. Even Tuvok, to her amazement, had agreed -- as long as they stayed in public places. Though, with this prince, she wouldn't have minded having Chakotay beside her. He was a little too suave for comfort. But, with how things stood between her and her XO, asking Chakotay to accompany her to the planet was out of the question. Tuvok would have been acceptable, but then even the prince would know she didn't trust him. So instead, Kathryn chose to suffer alone and just stay alert for any signs of questionable intentions.

"Here." The prince patted her hand that he'd linked through his arm. "I wanted to show you this."

Kathryn stopped in front of the beautiful garden. A fine mist was sprayed every half hour creating a magical world of water droplets that gleamed in the bright sunlight. Pulling away, Kathryn stepped forward in awe and kneeled beside a bush that very much resembled the terran rose. "It's beautiful." She whispered as though speaking aloud would break the spell.

The prince smiled at her reaction. "I knew you would like it." He turned and picked one of the purest white roses and held it out to her.

"You picked it..." Janeway stared in shock at him. "Where I'm from, we don't pick the flowers in another's garden."

"These are all my gardens." He smiled with a wave of his hand. "And everyone is welcome to pick from them. I have over one hundred and fifty gardens in this city alone. The Rwerian people value nature and make sure we have plenty of it."

Kathryn took the rose. "I can see that you do. And thank you."

"Come now." He took her arm again. "I want to show you the exquisite buildings my people built in past centuries."

Janeway wanted to groan. This would be the most boring part of the day. Where was Chakotay or Mark? Both of them like history lessons. Why, Mark had been an archeologist! If anyone could enjoy this day, it would be he. But her former fiancée was not here. Neither was her XO. She would have to suffer alone, but perhaps she could tell Chakotay about it later. Perhaps.

Chakotay glanced at the chronometer one last time before nodding at the ensign on duty. Then he felt the familiar tingle in his stomach as he rematerialized on Rwerian. Cysnocaj was standing in front of him, honey blond hair free and loose about her face. She really was quite beautiful as she stepped forward.

"You're early."

He grinned. "I had fun last time. And I'm anxious to see this coffee shop."

"This way." She said with a full smile as she hooked her arm through his.

Kathryn sighed a weary groan of relief. It was over. They had the needed supplies and would be leaving orbit within three hours. "Thank goodness." She muttered dropping her head into her hands. That prince had taken her on a whirlwind of a shoreleave every day they'd been in orbit. "Just a few moments to myself..." she whispered closing her eyes. "Only a few......."

"Kathryn. Wake up, Kay."

Startled, Janeway jumped up from her desk and faced the intruder.

Chakotay tried to hide the bubble of laughter begging to escape his throat -- and failed. Hunching his shoulders over, he chuckled at the sight of Captain Janeway, eyes wide and hair not quite as neat as usual, poised to attack anyone within arms reach.

Glaring at him, she dropped her "armed and dangerous" stance and sank back into the chair. "Is there a reason you're here? Or did you just come to wake me up?"

Chakotay silenced his laughter immediately. "A reason." He paced in front of the desk and finally stopped square in front of her. "Where do I stand with you?"

"Pardon me?"

"You may be stubborn as a bull, but your hearing is fine."

Kathryn met his eyes evenly as she pondered his blunt question. "I've considered you a good friend, Chakotay. But, after the past couple of days, I question even that."

He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Lying about the true reason for that sheaf of letters. Barging into my meeting with Tuvok. Kissing me without permission when I thought we had an understanding."

"I won't apologize for that kiss, Kathryn."

"I'm not asking you to." She replied curtly. "It only emphasizes why I'm having trouble trusting you right now."

He nodded as if understanding. "And our future? What do you see for our relationship there?"

Kathryn's face twisted in confusion. "What is this? Twenty questions?"

"Twenty-?"

"Nevermind. A phrase I've picked up from Tom, I suppose. Some twentieth century term." She cocked her head to the side. "The future. I see me and you striving to regain the professional relationship we once had."

"And our personal relationship."

Blue eyes flashed suddenly. "There is no personal relationship, Commander. You read my file. I'm attracted to you, yes. But, I believe my time with Inspector Kashyk is enough explanation of why I can't become involved with you."

"After five years, you think me a spy?" he scoffed.

"After five years, I know better than ever that a relationship between the two people in command of a ship can't work."

Circling the desk, Chakotay came to stand in front of her. Gently taking her face in his hands, he kept his distance, but asked the last question. "Are you sure?"

Holding his gaze, Kathryn nodded once.

Dropping his hands, he stepped away and looked at the floor. It would break her heart -- his too -- but he couldn't continue like this. "In that case, I'm leaving."

Kathryn felt as though she'd been slugged in the stomach. "You're what?" she choked out.

"I'm leaving." He said a little louder, meeting her eyes.

"You can't." She protested. "You've got your job here, on Voyager."

"Tuvok will do just fine. I'm wasting my time, Kathryn. My reason for staying doesn't exist anymore." Slowly, he raised a hand to the Maquis bar attached to his turtleneck. Pulling it free of the fabric, he dropped it on her desk before turning and exiting the ready room.

His hand brushed over the smooth surface of his bureau. Taking a deep breath, he tossed the few shirts and other articles of clothing he wished to take with him into the Starfleet issue duffel. At the bottom of the drawer, his hand clenched around a scrap of white silk. The charm.

Forcing himself to refrain from crying, Chakotay slowly raised a hand to the collar of his own uniform. Pulling the gold chain from out of it, he let the charm dangle as he watched it in the mirror. He would keep it. And, she could keep hers, he decided dropping the white bundle onto the top of the bureau. It may be the last gift he ever gave her. And possibly, in time, it would come to mean something more to her than just a token from a friend. Dropping to the floor, Chakotay leaned against his bed and wiped the tears that had fallen from his eyes.

He was doing the right thing, right? If that was so, then why did he feel awful inside? Cysnocaj was a beautiful woman who thought she was in love with him. The plan was for them to be married within a few weeks and Kathryn Janeway would never have to worry about his hovering over her again. If it was best for everyone, why was his heart breaking?

Making himself take deep gulps of air, Chakotay pushed himself away from his bed and grabbed the duffel. Without looking back, he marched out of his quarters and the short distance to the transporter room.

B'Elanna and Tom were just inside the door when he arrived. "Take care of my little sister, Tom." He told the younger man as they exchanged rough handshakes.

"I will."

B'Elanna glared at him. "You're actually going aren't you? This isn't some act for Janeway."

"I'm actually going." He chuckled. "I've got a wonderful woman waiting at the other end of this transport. I wish you could get to know Cysnocaj, but there's not time."

"But you got to know her?"

"Just leave it be, B'Elanna." He moved forward to crush her in a bear hug.

B'Elanna bit back an argument. He'd been her 'hero' since they'd first laid eyes on each other -- when he'd saved her life from the Cardassians. Now, she knew she was saying good-bye for the last time. She wanted to cry, but forced the tears back to save herself the embarrassment.

"Take care." He whispered to her before releasing her.

"Yeah. You too." She replied. "Oh, don't forget. Your communicator will work for two days."

He gave a tight nod. "Don't get your hopes up, B'Elanna."

"Four days if I 'create' an emergency. And, you never know when our engines will go off-line."

Her efforts evoked a quick smile from him. "Thanks, B'Elanna. But don't. You'll only cause stress for the Captain if she doesn't have engines on-line."

"Sure, Chakotay. Whatever."

Glancing around the transporter room, he wondered if anyone else was going to come see him off. Apparently not. Tightening his grip on the shoulder strap, he stepped onto the platform.

"Commander! Commander!"

All heads spun to the door where Neelix burst through in a flash of purple and orange -- his latest suit. "You forgot to stop by the mess hall. Here."

Chakotay chuckled. "Sorry, Neelix. The captain's leaving in five minutes and I didn't have time," he replied accepting the gift. "What is it?"

"Mushrooms." Neelix answered proudly. "Mr. Kim showed me how to replicate them."

"Seska." Harry reminded Chakotay.

Chakotay smiled. Seska had stolen the mushrooms because she'd known how much he loved the soup. "Thanks." Giving the Talaxian and ensign quick handshakes, he returned to the transporter padd. The four regarded him silently. Tom, a lock of hair as stubborn as his will fell against his forehead. B'Elanna, tears shining in her soul through her eyes, but a determined look on her face. Harry, a youthful sadness lurking over his shoulders. And Neelix, he too looked as though he was holding back tears. Memorizing their faces, Chakotay glanced toward the door. In his heart, he'd hoped she would come for him. Confess her love for him, demand that he stay and they begin to heal their friendship, even if she came and yelled at him for being so inconsiderate and leaving her with the burden of the crew -- it was better than what he got. Nothing.

"Energize." He finally whispered.

"Captain?"

Janeway gave a start in her chair as she turned to glance at Chakotay. No, she reminded herself. Not Chakotay. Tuvok was her first officer now and planted firmly in Chakotay's chair. Funny, after Cavit had died, she hadn't thought of Chakotay as invading the former first officer's place. But, that was exactly how she felt about the now Commander Tuvok.

"Yes, Tuvok?"

"Ensign Kim has informed us of an M-class planet about two light years off course. Did you wish to investigate?"

Two light years off course. B'Elanna had informed her that the commander's communicator would work for two days if he wished to return. It'd already been thirty-six hours since he'd been transported down. No. With twelve hours left for him to change his mind, there was nothing she was going to do to jeopardize the chance that if he wanted to come back, he could.

"Continue on course." Janeway ordered.

"Captain, I must remind you that this could be an excellent-"

"That's enough, Tuvok." Kathryn stood quickly and moved to her ready room as she handed the bridge over to Tuvok.

Sinking into her chair, she buried her face into her hands. Why, oh why, had she let him go????

"Where's the Captain?" Harry asked at the start of the morning conference meeting.

"Let me guess." Tom leaned back. "She's not feeling the best again, right?"

"You are correct in your assumption." Tuvok replied from the head of the table. "Is there any business that must be dealt with at present?"

"Yeah." Tom placed both of his hands firmly on the table. "The Captain. She's been hiding in her quarters for the past two weeks. I thought she was going to be okay when she came to the bridge the day after he left without any hesitation. But lately, it's getting worse and worse. Rumors are claiming she's turning into a recluse again."

"It's true." Neelix added. "The crew needs to see her. I pointed that out to the commander last time she did this and it's happening again."

"The last time she isolated herself from the crew, I believe Mr. Chakotay informed us that she could run this ship from wherever she pleased."

"It's not the same!" B'Elanna burst out as she jumped up. "Last time, we were going through The Void. Nothing was happening. The crew was suffering from the lack of a captain. But, this time, they're having to deal with Chakotay's leaving as well. He had a hand in the lives of almost everyone on this ship and they miss him."

"It's like she left too." Neelix interjected. "They're mourning her as well."

"I concur." Seven spoke up. "I have observed a thirty four percent decrease in efficiency through out the members of this ship. Many times I have entered the science labs to find the officers on duty talking instead of working."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow. "It would seem that you have met previously and discussed this. Do you also have a plan of action?"

Tom cast a glance around the table. "Actually, we do."

Riiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggggg.......

Chakotay started at the sound of his 'doorbell'. Leaping from where he had collapsed on his bed, he moved through the house he had built on the outskirts of the town. It wasn't fancy, more like a rustic log cabin actually. But, he loved it. So did Cysnocaj, who couldn't wait to move in. They had postponed the wedding for another two weeks so he could finish the house -- she had been saddened by it, but Chakotay felt a bit of relief for some reason.

Throwing open the front door, he found Cysnocaj framed in the door way -- a bright smile gracing her lips.

"Hello!" she exclaimed throwing herself into Chakotay's arms. Pressing her lips against his for a brief moment, she pulled back quickly and beamed up at him. "Look at this!"

Chakotay followed her into the living room where she dropped onto a hard wooden chair -- he still had yet to make the furniture for this room. Leaning against the mantle over the fireplace, he watched as Cysnocaj opened a bag and began pulling all sorts of objects out.

"This place is great." She said moving to throw a knitted blanket over the back of the chair. "But, it needs a woman's touch."

"That's why I'm marrying you." Chakotay offered, a slight smile playing over his lips.

"True." She laughed. "Here."

Chakotay caught the pillow she threw at him.

"For the couches -- when they're done."

He nodded and glanced around for a safe place to store them. The closet was his only option. Half way in the dark space, he stacked them beside the duffel he'd brought from Voyager. Stopping for a moment, he ran a hand over the tough exterior and felt a tear gather in his eye. Where were they now, he wondered. It had been three long, lonely weeks since he'd said good-bye to B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, and Neelix in the transporter room. He wondered how they were faring. How Voyager was. How Kathryn was.

Forcing his mind to return to the cabin and Cysnocaj's chattering, he stood up and turned back to the center of the room. She was hanging drapes over the high windows on either side of the fireplace. Deep blue. Kathryn always seemed to like blue, he remembered. No! Don't think of her!

"Well?"

Snapping back to reality, he glanced up. "What? Oh, they look great."

"Silly!" she laughed at him. "I asked if you wanted to come for dinner tonight. My mother's got a recipe she wants to try out on us."

"Oh." He glanced around the room furiously. "I think I'm going to have to turn her down tonight. I've got a ton of work."

"You always have a ton of work." She pouted draping her arms around his neck.

"Sorry." He muttered untangling himself.

She frowned, but it only lasted a minute as she reached into her bag again. "Look at this." She grinned, pulling out a picture of a smiling man and woman, two girls flanked on either side.

"Your family." Chakotay smiled.

"Yes." She moved quickly to where a picture of the senior officers of Voyager sat on the mantle and began to replace it.

"No." Chakotay moved forward and caught the picture. "This one stays."

"Come on, Chakotay. That's a picture meant to remind you of the past. You should really try to forget them."

He glared coldly at her. "This is my family. They stay. You can change anything you want in this room -- except this picture."

Cysnocaj regarded him carefully. "All right. You can keep that picture. I'll put this one on the other side."

He nodded once and moved towards the kitchen. "Want some coffee?"

"No thanks. I still don't see how you can drink that stuff."

"Someone got me hooked on it." He replied with a sad smile.

"Who?" Cysnocaj asked suspiciously.

"Captain Janeway. Want some tea instead?" Was there a slight wobble in his voice, she wondered casting a glance over her shoulder. Chakotay stood facing the cabinet, which in itself was odd. Usually, he would turn to watch her while they were talking.

"No thanks. I'll be going now." She collected the bag thinking he may need some time to himself. "Mother will expect me to help her with dinner."

"All right." He still didn't move from the cupboard.

"Well..." taking a step towards him, she placed a hand on his shoulder. He still didn't turn, so she stepped around to look at his upturned face. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." He replied curtly knowing she could see the tears gathering in his eyes.

"No you're not. What's wrong?"

"Nothing is. Everything's great." He pushed away from the counter and pulled her into his embrace to give her a long kiss.

For what seemed like an eternity, he held her like that. When Chakotay finally pushed her back, she stared at him wide eyed. He'd never kissed her like that. Totally devoid of passion or love.

"I trust you can see yourself out." Chakotay stepped away from her quickly and moved back to his room.

Cysnocaj stared at the closed door to his bedroom. Picking up her bag from where she had dropped it, she slowly moved towards the front door. Whatever was wrong with Chakotay, she would have to find out before the wedding.

The bridge crew collectively held their breath as Captain Janeway stepped out of the turbolift for the first time in over three weeks. "Status?"

"Nothing new on sensors." Harry reported, his voice a little more shakier than normal. Thankfully, it went unnoticed by the captain. In fact, she appeared to be forcing herself to act normal also. Briefly, Harry wondered what sort of effect the commander's absence was having on their captain physically. She looked as though she'd lost several pounds and her eyes had a dull, lifeless look to them.

"I have security teams working on practice drills in cargobay 1." Lt. Brackwell, Tuvok's replacement, reported in hopes of diverting the captain's attention. "Engineering's complaining a bit, but Lt. Torres has them doing diagnostics on the astrometrics' sensors."

"Noted." Janeway replied taking her seat from Tuvok. Harry's hands gripped the edge of his console as Janeway leaned over to glance at her screen and the path of Voyager. Giving a short nod of satisfaction on their current course, she leaned back.

Kim felt a rush of warmth and sweat rush over his body from the tension. They were okay. It had worked. Of course it had. They'd been ironing out wrinkles in the system for three days now, but when the time had come for the major test, he was thankful they'd passed. McKenna Brackwell glanced over at him and wiped her brow in an exaggerated sigh of relief. Catching Tom's reflection in the dark viewscreen, he gave him a thumbs up. Janeway need not know until it was too late to reverse course.

"You have the bridge, Tuvok." Janeway said moving instantly to her ready room.

Tom glanced around after the doors had swished shut. "I thought that went well, didn't you?"

"Coward!" Janeway stood in front of the window in her ready room. Folding her arms across her chest, she scowled at the reflection in the glass. During each of the daily reports Tuvok had relayed to her, he had slowly been prodding her in his own way to return to the bridge. Seven has reported that the crew's efficiency is down by thirty four percent. Mr. Neelix has repeatedly interrupted the bridge crew to inform me that the crew is missing you and would like to see you around the ship again. And, her personal favorite, After reviewing Mr. Chakotay's logs, I have determined that it would be best for you to return to bridge duty as quickly as possible so as to prevent Ensign Kim from forcing the crew to call him 'captain.' She had laughed outright at that one. And, she'd thought she was ready to return. So, donning on her uniform, she had. But, simply stepping across the threshold had instantly flooded her senses with memories of Chakotay. Him sitting uncomfortably in the chair beside her the first time she had ordered Tom to set a course for the Alpha Quadrant. His habit of standing slightly closer than proper while they faced a new alien race that looked menacing. The time so recently that he and the rest of the senior officers had led a mutiny against her.

Hugging herself tightly, Kathryn took a deep breath and sank into the sofa. It was simple. She missed Chakotay as though he had died -- which in her mind, he basically had. She needed time to mourn. She needed time to let go. Though, she thought wryly, she sometimes wondered if letting go of him was an option.

She needed out. She couldn't stand to be cooped up in her ready room anymore. Maybe if she got away from all the stimuli that reminded her of him.

Forcing her face to remain passive, she exited her ready room and strode quickly across the bridge. Not even sure how or why, she found herself standing outside his quarters. So much for getting rid of all that reminded him of her, she thought wryly. Punching in her override codes, she allowed the doors to slide open. Peering into the darkened quarters, she hesitantly stepped over the threshold.

Before she could take another step inside, scents of his after shave and wood carvings filled her nostrils. Even the harsh air filters of Voyager couldn't take that scent away. Taking another step inside to cause the doors to slide shut, she dropped onto her knees and felt hot tears break free to course down her cheeks in salty rivers.

He was gone. He was really gone. She hated herself for forcing him to leave. It was her, after all, she reasoned. If she had been more willing to open herself to the relationship they both wanted, he wouldn't have left.

Dragging herself to her feet, she moved through out his quarters. Determined to not change anything, but unable to stop herself from letting a hand drift over the items, she circled the room. Stopping in front of the matching chairs, she regarded them with a sad smile. She remembered the first time she'd laid eyes on them. Matched with brown striped coverings, she had instantly wondered what had become of the gray.

'Under the brown.' Chakotay had told her with a laugh. 'This seems to be a bit more me than the Starfleet issue.' She had agreed and they'd sat down to do the reports.

Now, she sank into one of the chairs and let her wistful gaze rest on the other. Her eyes were beginning to droop in sleep. Standing, she wandered into his bedroom. For just one night, she would allow herself to indulge in the scent of his after shave and curl up in his bed.

The room before her was bare. Void of any personal belongings. She should have expected that, she knew, but it was still like another punch in her already sore stomach. The bed was made perfectly, each uniform hung straight in his closet, all pictures were gone. A small clump of white on the dresser caught her attention. Lifting it, she watched it quickly unravel and spill a puddle of gold on the bureau. Catching the necklace on her fingers, she held it up to the moonlight.

The etchings on the half of a coin sparkled back at her. She instantly wondered how he'd come by the beautiful necklace and why he'd left it. Turning back to lay the necklace down, she caught site of another bit of white fluttering to the carpet. Bending to pick it up, she hesitated only a minute before reading it.

Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the necklace. Fingers shaking, she managed to undo the clasp and fasten it around her neck. It would stay there. Starfleet could scream their regulations about jewelry on duty -- she would keep the necklace.

Falling onto the bed, she felt more tears welling up in her eyes as she clenched the half of the coin in her hand. Somewhere, far away, Chakotay had the other half of the coin. Suddenly, he seemed a bit closer. And that only served to encourage her tears. She should have never let him go.

Cysnocaj gasped at the last step as she mounted the porch. Those stone steps from the road below seemed to be growing into a longer and longer path. Perhaps she could convince Chakotay to rig some elevating device for her. With a soft laugh at herself for being so out of shape, she ran a hand through her honey blond curls and prepared to greet her fiancee again.

After a particularly boring week in which she still hadn't had any free time to come up to the cottage, she was excited to see him. More than that, she needed to know why he hadn't answered any of the messages she had sent to him. Since the last week she'd been there and left him nearly in tears she'd been worried about him. She had wanted to check up on him, but it seemed that every time she began the hike something came up and she was forced to remain in the city.

Casting a glance behind her, she marveled not for the first time at the beauty of her city from the place up on the mountain. Rapping softly on the door, she patiently waited for him to answer.

There was silence inside. She couldn't hear him moving about, which was odd. Usually, he was up immediately. Well, perhaps he had to climb down from the attic, she mused. After all, he was constantly working on another little project on the house. Idly running a slender finger over a knothole in the frame of the door she began tapping her foot.

Knocking harder, she wondered where he was. Her foot's dull thud on the porch echoed in her ears and sent the vibrations through the boards. The pulse running through the wood should have been enough to alert him.

Cautiously, she tried the door to see if it was unlocked. It was. Opening it, she slipped into the dark living room with only the light from the door as a guide.

"Chakotay?" she called quietly, nervously. "Chakotay??" her voice rose slightly in panic. A movement to the left caught her attention. His bedroom door was open and she could see a slight shadow moving. Briefly, she wondered what to do. She'd never been in his room and wasn't sure how he'd react. Well, if something was wrong, he may need help.

Moving quickly towards the bedroom and she pushed the door open the rest of the way. There he was. Lying on the bed sound asleep. A small laugh escaped her throat and she quickly quieted herself.

"Chakotay?" she whispered moving forward to shake his shoulder gently.

He took a deep breath and rolled over. Peering at her through eyes still blurred with sleep he murmured, "Kathryn?"

Cysnocaj froze. "It's me, Chakotay. Cysnocaj." She told him insistently, withdrawing her hand.

He blinked suddenly and sat up part way. "Cysnocaj?" Sinking back, he sighed. "Oh. Sorry."

Cysnocaj moved around the bed towards the window. Pulling back the draperies she had made she allowed the sunlight to stream through. "What are you still doing in bed, sleepy head? It's a beautiful day outside -- half of which you've wasted. I was hoping we could go for a picnic and do some talking."

"Not right now."

At the sound of his weak voice, she turned to look at him fully for the first time in over a week. Dark fuzz coated his chin where he hadn't bothered to shave, eyes were blood shot and dark circles under them indicated that he hadn't slept well in over a week.

"Chakotay!" she exclaimed in shock at his unkempt appearance. "What's happened to you?"

"You shouldn't see me when I first wake up." He offered with a slight smile.

"That's not funny." She frowned coming to sit on the corner of his bed. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

She stared into his eyes long and hard. "Get up. Get moving. I'm going to make you some breakfast."

Chakotay watched her retreat from his room and shut the door. Heaving a sigh, he flipped back the covers and pulled himself from the bed for the first time in days and then winced as the glass on the floor cut his foot. He was lucky she hadn't seen that. Watching where he stepped, he carefully avoided the rest of it and retrieved the photograph that had managed to stay intact during his sudden fit of anger.

Kathryn Janeway's face smiled up at him. It had been taken on one of the many shoreleaves they'd spent together -- this one had been on a tropical planet about a hundred light years from his current position. Give or take a few.

Smoothing out a creased corner, Chakotay gently placed it on the rough dresser he'd built. Pulling on a shirt and pair of pants he washed up quickly and moved towards the kitchen where wonderful aromas were emitting from.

Cysnocaj stood with her back to him as she bent over a pot on the stove. Even without seeing her face, Chakotay knew she was frustrated.

"I have no idea how to do this!" she finally exclaimed knowing he was behind her. "You're going to have to make your own coffee." He started to say something, but yawned instead. She peered up at him suspiciously.

"You can't be tired after sleeping the day away."

"And all of yesterday. And the day before that." He muttered taking the pot of cold water from her. "And the day before that,...I think."

Cysnocaj watched him with concern. The shirt hung on his frame instead of fitting well as it had a week ago. "Have you been eating, Chakotay?"

He didn't answer.

"Chakotay!" she exclaimed. "What are you trying to do to yourself??"

Again, he didn't answer, but poured a small amount of the crushed beans resembling this planet's coffee into the 'coffee sock' he'd made.

"Please." She pleaded. "Answer me."

He looked up when she placed a hand on his arm. Jerking away, he set the pot on the make-shift stove with the sock bobbing inside of it. "I don't have to answer." He replied tightly.

"If I'm going to be your wife, then I think we should be able to share with each other." She countered. "Something is very 'not right' here and I have a right to know."

He glared at her, but didn't walk out. "I can't tell you what's going on. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"No."

"Then, I can't marry you."

Dark eyes lifted to meet her green ones. "You'd do that?"

She took a deep breath praying this would be a bluff. "I'd have to. A man and wife are supposed to share. If you can't share, I can't be your wife."

He shrugged and turned back to the cold pot. She watched as he poked it with a spoon. "You....you do want to marry me....right?"

Chakotay heaved a sigh and set the spoon aside, but kept his back to the woman behind him. "Cysnocaj, I know you're in love with me and I know you'll do your best to make me happy."

"But?"

Chakotay took another deep breath, but didn't say anything.

Cysnocaj came forward to snuggle her arms around his waist and press her face into his back. "Do you love me, Chakotay?"

He could see her hands trembling where they clenched each other around his middle. "I care for you very much." He finally said.

"You care for me. Do you love me?"

As the seconds turned into long moments of silence, Cysnocaj pulled her arms away from him and stared at the thin gold chain peeking over the top of his collar in horror.

"Cysnocaj,...I...." He whispered, desperate to not hurt her. "It's still too soon. I'm not ever going to get over her, I sometimes think. I'm sorry."

"Not as sorry as I am." Cysnocaj didn't know when the tears had started, but she didn't bother to wipe away the salty paths silently coursing down her cheeks. Moving towards the mantle in the living room, she eyed the picture of Voyager's senior officers. "You were right when you said they're your family." She turned back to him with a tiny smile. "You probably didn't even realize you were speaking in the present tense, but you were. You need to go back to them. To her..."

"What?"

"The alchama. You're still wearing it." Cysnocaj turned away from him. "Perhaps she is your soul mate. And I'm preventing you from being with her." she took a shaky breath and raised her eyes to his. "Go back, Chakotay. You have to. For her."

Chakotay leaned against a wall and nodded mutely. What was there left to say?

"I...I'll talk to some of the government officials and see if they'll trade you a shuttle for the cottage." She glanced around sadly. "I'm sure one of them would be glad to have this for a vacation home."

He nodded again.

Looking around the room for what she knew would be the last time, Cysnocaj took in the furniture carved with Chakotay's own hands and the pillows and draperies she had sewn with her own hands. A joint effort to make a home, which would never be. Picking up the photograph of her own family, she moved towards the door.

"Cysnocaj..."

She turned, hoping that he would declare it all a mistake on his part and beg her to be his wife.

"Thank you for helping me....after what I've done to you."

She didn't say anything, but gave a quick nod. Helping him escape this planet. That's what he meant. Closing the door with a soft click, she ran as fast as she could from the cottage.

Inside, Chakotay ignored the pot of coffee threatening to bubble over the stove, but instead reached below the collar of his shirt and pulled out the necklace and his half of the coin. "I'm coming home, Kathryn. Like it or not, I'm coming."

Kathryn awoke with a gasp and was momentarily confused about her surroundings. Then, she remembered. She was in Chakotay's bed, fingers still curled around the coin. Peering at her hand, she could see that it had bit small red marks into the tips of her fingers.

Beep! Remembering what had awoken her, she reached for the comm badge which had come off in her slumber. "Janeway here." She tried to answer normally, but her voice was still slurred with sleep.

"Captain, are you well?" Tuvok's voice came across Voyager's systems as "Vulcan" as ever, but Janeway thought she detected a note of concern.

"Yes, Commander. Why?"

"You are two hours late for duty."

A sudden flurry of blankets were tossed to the floor as Janeway leapt from the bed. "I'll be right there!" Closing the comm signal, she quickly grabbed her boots and dashed to her quarters barefoot.

Ten minutes later, she stepped onto the bridge. "Report!" she barked out not moving to the command level.

"All systems are within safe limits." Kim announced. "B'Elanna's having some trouble with warp drive, but she said we can keep going at our current speed."

"What is our current speed?"

Tom glanced down at his console. 9.473 "Six point oh two two." He reported.

"Six point oh two two?."

He shrugged. "Want me to add a four in there?"

"That's okay." Chuckling, she finally moving down to her seat and nearly collapsed into it.

"Captain?"

"I'm fine, Tuvok."

"I was going to question you about Starfleet regulation three seven, section four, line twenty-seven."

Janeway blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Starfleet officers will refrain from wearing jewelry on duty with the exception of articles that are part of their religion."

Her hand instantly flew to her throat where the chain had spilled over her collar.

"Hey, that's kinda pretty. Where'd you get it?" Tom asked.

"No where." she muttered rubbing her thumb across the smooth gold surface. Where was Chakotay right now, she wondered. Married? Probably. On his honeymoon? Possibly. Of course, that note stood for something. Would Chakotay actually leave a note like that for her and then go off and marry someone? Drawing in a shaky deep breath, she found Tom still watching her.

"Mr. Paris..." her voice wobbled as she hesitated to give the order.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Reverse course." She answered softly. "Maximum warp."

A grin nearly split Tom's face as he watched her rush to her ready room. "Yes ma'am!"

Harry's grin matched Tom's as he quickly ran a few calculations. "ETA-"

"-not soon enough." Janeway muttered allowing the doors to slide shut behind her.

"Two hours." Harry finished.

"Think she'll be mad?" McKenna Brackwell asked.

"Livid will be more like it." Harry replied.

"Well, I'm not exactly known for following regulations to a 'T'." Tom tried to reassure her.

"True, Ensign." Tuvok moved from the first officer's chair to the captain's. "However, through the majority of your escapades, you did not have the full crew co-creating your reckless plot."

"A Vulcan word of encouragement." Tom shook his head in wonder. "We can't lose."

"Hang on. I've got something coming up on sensors." Harry tapped madly at his console. "It's a Rwerian ship. Though, pretty small."

"Can you open a channel?"

"Negative. We can transmit and receive data from this distance, but they're too small and their signal too weak." Harry peered carefully at the lifesign readings. If he wasn't mistaken, there was one pilot on board -- a human.

The doors to the ready room slid open suddenly and Janeway stormed out. "Who's responsible for this?" she demanded.

"For what?" Tom asked, a nervous knot forming in his stomach.

"This." She waved her hand in a quick motion to encompass the entire bridge. "I checked the logs, we're only two hours from the Rwerian homeworld. Who's behind this?"

Everyone's eyes came to rest on Tuvok -- their leader.

"Tuvok?" she asked in disbelief.

"I authorized the course change two weeks ago."

"Tuvok didn't come up with it." Tom stood from his chair. "I did."

Harry quickly poked at a few more keys on the console to send a subspace message. "Tuvok and Tom didn't do the work." He stepped away from his console and clasped his hands in front of him. "I did."

"You and me, both." McKenna raised her chin slightly to acknowledge her part in it as her hand went unnoticed and depressed a single button effectively lowering the shields.

"So, I should throw all of you in the brig?"

Harry's face twisted slightly. "And half of engineering, the science teams, security-"

"The Doctor." McKenna reminded them.

"Of course. What'd he call it again?" Tom asked.

"Lasting psychological effects that could impair her future judgment." Tuvok offered.

"That's right."

"Don't forget Neelix." Harry broke in again. "A sense of lower moral is not good for the crew." He mimicked the Talaxian's slight hesitant voice resulting in a laugh from Tom and a small smile from Janeway.

"And Seven." McKenna reminded them. "She was the one who allowed us to determine-"

"-exactly!" Tom burst out, shooting a glare at Brackwell. They certainly didn't need anymore gasoline added to the flame. The fact that they'd changed course was enough, Janeway didn't need to know why.

Without warning, the red alert klaxons suddenly blared.

Suddenly all business, Janeway's eyes flew to the view screen. "What is it?" she demanded moving to the command level. When Harry didn't answer her, she quickly spun. "Ensign?"

A grin of excitement flitted over Harry's visage. Quickly, he schooled his features and answered. "Someone's beaming aboard."

"Where? Which deck?"

"One."

Janeway's breath caught in her throat as the voice answered from behind her. She'd know that voice in any quadrant. But, why was he here? Slowly, she turned to face their 'intruder'. She opened her mouth to say something, but found, for one of the rare instances in her life, she couldn't. His eyes looked blood shot and his frame much thinner than the last time she'd seen him, but he looked wonderful to her.

Chakotay's eyes ran over Kathryn's gaunt face quickly. He also thought that she looked worse than when he'd left, but that didn't matter. He was back. She'd come back for him. She'd come back for him! He was within three feet of her. He could reach out and touch her if he dared. He was finally close enough to wrap her in his embrace and tell her he was never leaving again. And four curious pairs of eyes were watching them.

Time seemed to freeze as they stared at one another. So much was communicated through that single gaze -- loneliness, regret, apologies, love -- that it seemed impossible to have happened in only a few seconds.

"Welcome back, Commander."

Janeway snapped into action as she spun to face the owner of the voice -- Ensign Kim. but, her unspoken question was answered by the man beside her -- Voyager's acting first officer.

"Captain, Lt. Brackwell, I, and the other senior officers have discussed what would be best for this ship and at great length-"

"All of thirty seconds!" Tom broke in.

"-We have decided that it would be in the best interests of this crew for myself to return to Chief of Security, Lt. Brackwell to return to the security teams, and Commander Chakotay's position be relinquished to him."

Janeway turned to Chakotay. "Are you visiting or here to stay?" she asked finally finding her voice.

"To stay."

With a slight raise of her eyebrow, the captain stepped back and motioned for him to take his seat.

Chakotay grasped the arms of his chair firmly as he sat down. It felt good to be back. Casting a look towards the captain, he smiled at her obvious attempt to look anywhere but at him.

"Tom, set a course for the Alpha Quadrant. Warp four."

After five tortuous hours on the bridge, Kathryn Janeway was thankful for the time she was granted to merely sit in her darkened quarters and think. She had promised herself only a few solitary minutes before she returned to the ever growing stack of reports on her desk, but as she took a sip of her coffee and nearly spit it out, she realized minutes must have turned to hours. Dropping the half full mug of cold coffee on the table beside her, she curled up tighter in her chair and continued to gaze at the stars.

Chakotay would be coming to her, it had been one of the many unspoken agreements that had passed between them. She had read in his eyes the desire to break out of Starfleet's regulations and embrace her on the spot, but something had stopped him. Most likely, she smiled, it had been the bridge officers watching their every move. Even though it was quite obvious to every crew ember on board how they felt about each other, Kathryn wasn't prepared to allow them to make a scene -- no matter how long they'd been apart. Briefly, she wondered what was left to be said. Apologize? Her? No, he had left. She would not be the one crawling back to him.

Beep. Janeway's eyes flew to the door. He was here. Slowly, she rose from the chair and began moving towards the door. She really should have spent the previous few hours cleaning instead of just sitting, she mused.

Beep.

Oh well, too late for that.

"Come."

Chakotay stepped across the threshold once again clad in his uniform. Coming to stand only a foot away from her, they silently regarded each other for a long moment.

"Did you sleep in my quarters every night?"

Kathryn's jaw slacked in shock. She had expected him to hug her, say he'd missed her, maybe even give a declaration of love -- not practically accuse her of being a weak, woman pining for him!

"Why, you presumptuous little....whatever gave you the idea that I'm some weak-"

Kathryn was cut off as Chakotay brought a hand from behind his back and dangled a single black sock in front of her.

"Oh." she snatched it from him. "Only last night."

He looked around her quarters, half to stall for time, half because he'd just wanted to allow himself the moments she gave him in her personal life. Data padds were stacked high on her desk -- unread, he suspected -- beside a slim, leather bound volume and two half full cups of coffee. Another mug rested on the small table between the chair and sofa. Pushing away the uniform jacket she'd discarded that evening, Chakotay sat down on the cough and caught her hand to force her to sit beside him. "You left my bed unmade and two pillows on the floor. I suppose I'll just have to get used to your being the messy one."

"I'm usually more organized." Kathryn protested. "Rarely do I let my quarters get like this." her head suddenly whipped and she narrowed her eyes at him. "What do you mean you'll have to get used to it?" she demanded.

"Most people who are married do live together."

"Who says I'm marrying you?!"

"You did. The moment you turned this ship around."

"Actually, I didn't do that." Kathryn grinned wryly. "From what I've gathered from computer logs, after I didn't come out of my quarters for two weeks, the crew turned the ship around."

"Two weeks?!"

She shrugged and turned her back to him so she could face the stars and not his eyes. She wasn't surprised when his arm stole around her and drew her towards him. Duty would dictate that she resist, but she liked the strength of his arms around her. "Do you love me, Chakotay? I mean, not are you attracted to me or have lust for me, but do you really love me?"

He nodded in response as he pulled her closer to him.

"Say it."

"I love you, Captain Kathryn Janeway. I have from New Earth and always will. You're my alchama."

"Your what?" Kathryn twisted so she could see his face more clearly in the starlight.

"My alchama." he repeated catching the gold chain around her neck in his fingers. "My soul mate. That's another reason I know... I mean, if you read the note and are wearing the chain..." he trailed off.

Kathryn's fingers played with the half of a coin fastened around her neck. On a whim, she reached over to Chakotay's uniform collar and pulled out the half of a coin she knew was there. A small smile tugged at her lips as she raised her eyes to his. Shocked for a moment by the intense love shining in his eyes, Kathryn hesitated. But, only for a moment. "I do love you, Chakotay."

"Enough to marry me?" he blurted out.

She nodded as tears threatened to spill over her cheeks.

"Kathryn..." Chakotay dropped her chain and slid his arms tightly around her small frame.

"I guess you were right. You're going to have to learn to put up with my occasional bouts of messiness."

Chakotay ignored her as he brushed a whisper of a promise across her mouth. Pulling away slightly, she smiled at her. "I think that can be arranged."

Kathryn wiped the tears that had fallen from his own eyes -- or were they her tears? -- and snuggled her arms around him. "Good."