Christmas Chimes

By: Jennica Williams

DISCLAIMER: I am not using Star Trek for profit. Paramount owns the characters, the ships, the uniforms, the biogel packs, even Neelix's food, I'm just here playing around with the ideas running through my head. No copyright infringement is intended.

Dedication: Of course this one must be dedicated to my good friend A.M. who insisted that it wasn't possible for me to write a story less than 20 pages. (At 10 and a 1/2 pages, I made it!) :)

Captain Kathryn Janeway took a long swallow of the hot liquid in her mug and frowned at the padd in her hands. Over three-quarters of her crew had requested tomorrow off - and her easygoing first officer had approved all of them. According to the schedule rotations, engineering would be working with a skeleton crew and the science labs would be unattended for the majority of the day.

"All in the name of Christmas," Kathryn grumbled. "It doesn't matter that the warp core went offline for three hours this morning or that Seven's ‘modifications' to astrometrics shut the mess hall down for two days. Everyone wants December 25th off." Then, borrowing a phrase from her favorite holiday story she added, "Bah-humbug!"

Voyager could function for one day or even a week, despite the drastic shortage of people manning their stations, Kathryn knew, yet she still had reservations about the idea. Placing the mug of still warm coffee on her desk, Captain Janeway stood and moved to the lower level of her ready room.

That was where Chakotay found her, staring thoughtfully out at the stars when he was summoned moments later.

"Captain?" he asked, unsure she had heard his entrance into her domain.

"I know you're there, Chakotay," she didn't turn from the view port. "I'm still trying to figure out what possessed you to grant one-hundred and fourteen officers tomorrow off."

"It's Christmas."

"Yes, I know it's Christmas, Chakotay," she replied testily. "I thought you didn't celebrate Terran holidays."

"I don't, but most of the crew does. And," he added, taking a step toward her, "You know I've enjoyed the holiday celebrations for the past six years."

Kathryn drew in a sharp breath as his hand touched her shoulder. Yes, she had known he was one of the major participants of the festivities Neelix had put together every year - each year he had attempted to get her to join him. The first year, it had been a timid suggestion that she had brushed aside with an off-handed remark about too much work. As the years had passed and their friendship grew stronger, so did his requests for her to attend. But each time she found a reason to not.

"You know what my next question is, Kathryn."

"And you know my answer."

"You'll push the crew away for another year - just like you're pushing me away."

Kathryn finally turned and found she was standing within arms reach of her first officer. "That's not true," she protested softly.

"We shared something in Unimatrix Zero," he lifted a hand to trace the tiny scar from where the Borg implants had been extracted only a month ago. Withdrawing his hand when she flinched, he shook his head sadly. "You've been unwilling to admit that something happened."

"Nothing happened, Commander," he didn't miss the stress on his rank as she stepped away from him. "Please review the schedule and make any changes so that all areas are adequately covered for tomorrow."

"Kathryn, the crew needs-"

"What the crew needs," she cut him off, "Is Voyager to be properly staffed in the event of an emergency."

"There's nothing on sensors within three days at maximum warp."

"Good. They can use tomorrow for maintenance repairs. Dismissed."

** =/\= **

Kathryn dropped onto her sofa and fought the urge to let out a sigh. Three crewmembers had approached her in the last hour expressing their gratitude for the extra time off. They wouldn't be happy, she knew, but everyone would have to make sacrifices if they wanted to get home.

Chakotay had yet to get the new schedule to her, but she had faith he would do as asked - despite his wishes.

Tugging off her boots and tossing her jacket over a chair, she skipped dinner and went straight into her bedroom. Her nightgown was still on the unmade bed where she had left if earlier that morning.

Normally a tidy person, Kathryn had been running late two mornings ago and left her quarters an unorganized mess. This week had provided to be one with unexpected problems surfacing almost every day and she'd not had time to clean up her own quarters.

Stumbling over the shoe to a holodeck costume, she grabbed the nightgown and made her way to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, Kathryn fell into the soft bed and wrapped her blankets tightly around her.

Christmas Eve, she thought to herself. She was spending the eve of her favorite childhood holiday alone - again. As a child, Phoebe and herself had counted the days to Christmas Eve with just as much anticipation as they did for the following day. It was on that cold night before the actual holiday that Grandma and Grandpa Janeway would arrive and spend time with the family. The next day, Christmas was spent with her mother's side of the family, but Kathryn and her Grandma Janeway had shared a special bond.

She had always smelled like Wintergreen gum, Kathryn remembered, a tear trickling down her cheek. And, she never got angry or raised her voice. Always, she had been there for Kathryn with a word of encouragement or a loving embrace when she needed it most.

Kathryn had wept bitterly when, one by one, all her grandparents had passed away, but hardest of all when they lost Grandma Janeway. Ever since her death during Kathryn's freshman year at the Academy, Christmas Eve just wasn't as magical.

Turning over, she wiped at the tears that had fallen unnoticed. Her family, what was left, would be together tonight. She imagined Phoebe and her mother decorating the small tree in the family room. Christmas carols would be playing throughout the house and Kathryn was willing to bet that her mother's famous caramel brownies were baking in the oven.

Four plates would be empty this night -for Grandma and Grandpa Janeway and those belonging to Kathryn and her father. Would there be extra plates set, Kathryn wondered, absently. Had Phoebe married? Did she have any children of her own now? Another sob rose in Kathryn's throat at the thought of family members she may never meet.

Shaking herself from her reverie, Kathryn vowed to not spend any more tears on her family this night. She would see them when she got home. When, not if.

** =/\= **

It was dark and she was comfortable. Opening her scratchy eyes, Kathryn wondered what had woken her. Feeling the hairs on her arms stand up, Kathryn instinctively knew someone was in the room with her.

Her comm badge was on the floor at the end of her bed, she remembered groggily. She had dropped it there fully intending to set it on her nightstand as she did most nights, but had forgotten. Her phaser, never more than arms length away, was tucked between the seats of her sofa.

"Who's there?" surprised at the strength in her voice, Captain Janeway fought to sit up in her bed.

"I am sorry to startle you," a voice spoke from the shadows.

"Who are you?" she demanded again, peering at the figure.

"You needn't concern yourself with my name," the robed figure said stepping into the light. The starlight reflected brightly off the satin folds of his cloak, but his face was still hidden from Kathryn's view. "Only concern yourself with what tonight holds."

"Tonight holds nothing for me."

"That," he spoke kindly to her, "Is where you are wrong. Tonight, you will be visited by-"

"Let me guess: three ghosts?"

"No," as his face turned slightly, Kathryn caught sight of a frown crossing his wrinkled features.

He must be old, she thought to herself. She'd never seen so many wrinkles on one person before.

"You will be visited by one being who will take you on a journey through your life so that, as Scrooge did, you may see what your life was, is, and may become."

"Fine," Kathryn heaved an exasperated breath. "Will you leave now so I can get back to sleep?"

With a small nod, he stepped back into he shadows. "Expect him at the stroke of one."

If he hadn't been in her quarters, Kathryn would have laughed out loud - there was no clock to strike one. As he disappeared in a sparkle of light, not unlike that of a Q, she reached for the comm badge on the floor.

"Janeway to bridge. Did you detect an unauthorized entry in my quarters?" she demanded, slightly more hostile than she preferred.

"Negative, Captain," Tuvok's voice came through the link. "Ops has detected no anomalies," he added knowing her next question.

Puzzled, but not overly so, Kathryn nodded in the darkened room, "Thank you, Tuvok. Good night."

"Good night, Captain."

If it wasn't her imagination, Kathryn figured, maybe it was one of the Q playing a joke on her. Under any other circumstances, she would have felt outraged that a Q had invaded her quarters. But, at this hour of the night after the week she had been through, all Kathryn wanted to do was fall back in bed and sleep. So, she did.

** =/\= **

Somewhere in the distance, Kathryn heard a grandfather clock strike one o'clock. It was supposed to mean something to her, she knew, but in her sleep-drugged state, she couldn't remember what.

"Dearest Kathy," a voice said above her. "It's time to rise."

Her eyes snapped open and grimaced when she saw Q, the infamous one that had made a pest of himself on the Enterprise-D and her own ship.

"What do you want?" she asked groggily, trying to close her eyes again.

"Wake up, Kathy!" he insisted, tugging gently on the bedcovers. "I've got something to show you."

"Right," she muttered, still not opening her eyes.

"Don't you recognize this place?"

Eyes popping open, she glanced furiously around the darkened room. With a start, she realized she wasn't in her quarters. She was..home.

Beside the bed was not her nightstand, but a dollhouse. Where her dresser should have been was a desk littered with padds and a small computer terminal. Her computer terminal, she realized, recognizing the antique screensaver.

"What am I doing here?" she demanded, pushing back the blankets and stepping onto the hardwood floors, taking notice that she still wore her peach nightgown. "Where is this place?"

"Don't you know your own home?" Q lifted a floppy, brown dog from the bed. "Your old friends?"

"Don't play games with me, Q," Kathryn snapped, snatching Mowgi out of his hands. "This looks like my childhood bedroom. But, it can't be."

"Well," he pretended to rid his hands of the dust from Mowgi, "Like it or not, it is." Moving to the door, he didn't wait for Kathryn to follow, "Your family is just getting here."

Curious, and remembering the words of the Q that had entered her room, Kathryn followed. From the top of the stairs, she could see a Christmas tree glittering from the lights and colored ornaments that strung on it. The smell of caramel brownies wafted slowly up the stairs as the pitter-patter of tiny feet reached her ears.

"Grandma!" a young voice called out with excitement. Kathryn watched, mesmerized as her younger self bound toward the front door and threw it open.

"Can they see us?"

"Don't be silly; of course not."

"Kathryn," the voice of a strong Grandma Janeway gently touched her ears like music. Her breath caught in her throat as her grandparents stepped into the house and her full view. They were young, was all she could think. Then, with a jolt, she realized that they were only 15 years older than she was now.

Phoebe, with a ponytail hanging down her back joined her sister and father who had come in with the Janeways. A moment later, Kathryn's mother also joined the hugging mass in the front hall.

"Does it hurt to remember them?" Q's voice, oddly gentle, asked her.

She was crying, Kathryn realized. Hastily wiping at the tears, she shook her head. "No," she said softly. "I - I just…It's been so long since I've really thought about them. And, I miss them so much."

Q ran a hand along the wooden banister. "I suppose you hold all sorts of foolish sentiments about this house and the people who lived here."

"They still live here," she replied evenly. "At least mom and Phoebe do. And, they're not foolish - they were my family."

"Families are simply a necessity in order for the human species to survive. They serve no other purpose."

"That's not true," she argued, a brows creasing together. "Families provide the support and love when one needs it most."

"Is that what you believe?"

Nodding firmly, she replied, "It is."

"Then, we have no further business here," Q raised a hand as if to snap them back to their own reality.

"Wait," Kathryn caught his hand. "Please Q, I haven't seen my grandparents since their deaths."

Raising a dubious eyebrow, he gave an impatient sigh, "Five minutes," he reluctantly agreed.

Five minutes, Kathryn thought to herself. She had five more minutes to watch her grandparents. Taking the steps two at a time, Kathryn slipped unnoticed into the family room where a warm fire roared in the old-fashioned fireplace.

Young Kathryn and young Phoebe, both dressed in matching Christmas dresses were eagerly eyeing the Christmas tree where Grandpa Janeway was setting gifts down. Edward Janeway watched his father and then followed him into his office where they needed to discuss something. Her grandmother's failing health, Kathryn remembered with sudden dread.

Just as she remembered, her mother's voice called Phoebe to help set the table.

"Kathryn, come sit by me," Grandma Janeway invited, patting the sofa beside her.

Climbing eagerly up beside her grandma, Kathryn looked up at her and asked, "Are you okay, grandma?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Daddy was crying when he got off the tele with you last night," the eight-year old answered. "He never cries."

"Well, sweetie, when people get old their bodies sometimes don't work right," she said tucking an arm around her oldest grandchild. "I'm very old, you know."

"Yes," Kathryn replied solemnly. "I know. But, you're not sick, right?"

"No, I'm not sick. When I was young I broke my leg very badly. The doctors want me to go to Mars and get it fixed."

"Why Mars?" the young girl looked up at her grandmother with pleading eyes. "Can't you stay on Earth?"

"Mars has less gravity. Do you know what that means?"

Nodding quickly, Kathryn answered, "You weigh less."

"Right, and it means there will be less weight on my leg when they fix it."

"You're coming back, right?" young Kathryn fought to keep the tears from forming in her eyes, but failed miserably.

"Of course," Grandma Janeway hugged the little girl to her. "Nothing could keep me from my family. But, I need for you to do something while I'm gone."

"What?" a tiny voice asked.

"I need for you to be strong for your sister and daddy. Can you do that for me?"

Silently, little Kathryn with tears streaking her face nodded.

"Why did you bring me to this time?" Kathryn demanded of Q as tears choked her voice. "Why did you make me watch grandma tell me she was leaving us?"

Q didn't answer her, but raised his hand and snapped his fingers.

There was a flash of bright light and Kathryn found herself sitting back in her bed in the Delta Quadrant.

"Why Q?" she asked again, salty rivers spilling over her cheeks.

But, there was no answer.

Stumbling from the bed, Kathryn blindly felt her way into the bathroom and called for the light. Pulling out the sink, she splashed cold water on her face and took in deep gulps of air.

It wasn't fair! She wanted to scream. Grandma and Grandpa had gone to Mars for three of the longest years of Kathryn's life. When they came back, grandma's leg was much better and it had been as if they'd never left.

Reclaiming her bed, Kathryn tugged the blankets tightly around her and remembered the days and weeks following that Christmas. Grandma had always been hesitant to travel outside of Earth's solar system - her son had always said it was due to how she was raised. But, after that trip to Mars, grandma and grandpa had visited Vulcan for several weeks. And, Kathryn remembered, although she had always loved reading about other species, grandma had been the one to first introduce her to a bit of alien culture - Vulcan plomeek soup. She had found it utterly disgusting the first time she'd eaten it, but grew to like it.

Slowly, Kathryn fell asleep remembering the first time she'd had the Vulcan soup.

** =/\= **

With a jolt, Kathryn awoke as the chronometer in her room went off - twice - to indicate that it was two in the morning. Looking around puzzled, she frowned remembering that she had set the alarm for six, not two.

Then, she saw him.

In a corner, the same one the other Q had been in, stood her old friend.

"What do you want now?" Kathryn grumbled, determined to lie down and not play his game this time.

"Get up, dearest Kathy. It's time for the party tonight and your crew is waiting for you."

"I already told Chakotay; I'm not going."

"That, my dear, is where you're wrong. Because right now, you don't have that option."

In a flash of light, Kathryn found herself removed from her bed and suddenly surrounded by the familiar sea of faces of her crew. Instinctively, she wrapped her hands over her bare arms and wished she had worn something warmer to bed. "Q, get me out of here!" she exclaimed.

"They can't see us," he reminded her.

"I don't care, I-"

"Think she'll come this year?" Kathryn recognized Harry Kim's voice.

"I've got two weeks worth of replicator rations betting that she won't," Tom replied.

"Has she ever come?" B'Elanna spoke up.

They were talking about her, Kathryn realized with a start. Then, she caught site of Chakotay making his way to the trio.

"Is she coming?" Harry asked.

Chakotay shook his head, "I just spoke with her over the comm-- begged off with a headache this time," he muttered. Taking a small sip of the punch, he grimaced. "Did someone drop a few bottles of alcohol in this stuff?"

"I would never do such a thing," Tom defended quickly. Then, under his breath he added, "But I wish I could take credit for it this time."

"See that whoever is responsible is spoken to," Chakotay set the half-full glass on a table. "I'm going to say hi to a few people and turn in for the night."

"But the party-"

"Doesn't need me to get going," Chakotay finished.

"The Maquis was our family," B'Elanna argued. "And these Starfleet officers have become part of it. You should be with your family tonight, Chakotay."

"I can't tonight," he murmured stepping away. The three friends, Kathryn, and Q watched as Chakotay skirted the others in the room and hastily retreated to the exit.

** =/\= **

Kathryn once again found herself in her quarters, but this time she was watching herself read a padd and sip a lone cup of coffee. The chime rang out and she answered just as her other self did.

"Enter."

The doors slid apart to reveal a hesitant first officer.

"Aren't you supposed to be at the party?" Captain Janeway asked, a smile tugging on her lips as she came to place a hand on her first officer's shoulder.

"I was hoping I could convince you to come," he answered, a look of hope springing into his eyes.

Kathryn frowned and took a step back, "You know I won't."

Defeat clouded Chakotay's eyes, but only for a moment. Quickly masking his true feelings, he pulled a package bound with gold ribbon from behind his back. "Merry Christmas, Kathryn."

Cautiously, Kathryn accepted the gift.

"Aren't you going to open it?" he teased when she didn't move to tear back the white tissue paper.

Frowning again, Kathryn's hands pulled back the paper and opened the box. Inside, nestled on a soft bed of cotton lay a rare treasure for the 24th century - a real book.

"A complete volume of Georgette Madlin's work," he told her. "I…bookmarked a poem for you."

Madlin, Kathryn thought numbly as the leather bound book fell open to one of her most favorite works. Madlin had been one of Kathryn's favorite poets - not to mention a twenty-second century poet known for her Shakespearian-like love sonnets.

"I can't accept this," she pushed the book back harshly.

"What? I thought you loved--"

"I can't accept this from you," she repeated, forcing him to take the book. "Can't you understand that it's not appropriate-"

"No one saw me replicate it and no one saw me give it to you," Chakotay argued. "For all the crew knows you brought it with you from Earth."

"I will not accept this from you," Kathryn nodded to the door. "Please leave, Commander."

"Kathryn," he shook his head slightly as if he felt sorry for her, "This isn't about you or me. You've got over one hundred crew members who want to take you into the family, but you continuously shut us out. When will you realize that a human being can't survive without human contact? What will it take?"

"A miracle," she spat. Then, nodding once in the direction of the door, she indicated he was to leave.

Chakotay clutched the papers and book in his hands as he turned. "I'll be in my quarters waiting for you if your mind changes."

"You should be at the party."

"I'll go when you go."

"Pity," Q said from where he was standing beside the other Kathryn. "Old Chuckles seemed to have a chance for happiness - until you crushed him under your boot time and time again. He was right, you know.

"I don't want to hear it, Q."

"You were devastated when you lost your last family. Why are you in such a hurry to not have a new one even though there are people around you who love you?"

"It's hardly any of your business," Kathryn snapped. Then, watching the retreating back of her first officer, she asked, "Is he really going to his quarters or is he going back to the party."

Q shrugged and moved to follow Chakotay through the open door to her quarters.

"What? You can't snap us there?"

"You've got two feet," Q reminded her. "Walk."

They trailed Chakotay to his quarters where he entered and laid down on the sofa. "She'll change her mind," he muttered to himself as he ran a hand lovingly over the slim volume. "She has to. And, I'll be there when she does."

"He can't wait for me," Kathryn murmured. "I have my own family at home. Q," she turned to him suddenly. "Can I see my family?"

With a small shrug and flash of light, Kathryn found herself standing atop the staircase she had been at only hours before. She shivered slightly in the cold, and looked around. This time, the wood was darker and the carpets were different than she remembered. The giggle of a little boy caused Kathryn to follow the sound into the family room.

A fire roared in the old fireplace, as custom for Christmas, but what surprised her were the boy and girl playing on the rug in front of it. He looked about four and she was nearing two.

"Cole be careful with your sister," a man Kathryn had failed to notice spoke up from her father's chair where he was studying several padds. "She's not as big as you."

"Aw, Jamie likes it," Cole helped Jamie stand again and then placed his arms around her stomach to carry her. When Jamie let out a shriek, he instantly dropped her.

The young girl's wails brought a woman rushing into the room before the man could intervene. "Cole Landsman, what did you do?" Phoebe asked the little boy as she gathered the crying girl into her arms.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," he said, his eyes swimming in tears. "We were playing."

"You need to be careful with her," Phoebe reminded her son. "Donnie, would you hold her? I'm trying to help mother with dinner."

Donnie held his arms out for his daughter and gave his wife a peck on the cheek. "Jamie and I will sit and read the latest information Starfleet has released about Voyager." He opened his arms for Cole to join him. "Your Aunt Kathryn is out on that ship," he told the young boy.

"She left before you and mommy got married and had me ‘an Jamie," Cole recited dutifully.

"I have a nephew?" Kathryn stared in wonder at the scene before her. "And a brother-in-law and niece?"

"I'm afraid so," Q answered apologetically. "It appears that your sister wasn't quite as adamant about not adding new people to your family."

Kathryn opened her mouth to argue with Q, but found herself staring at her chronometer instead. It read two twenty eight. Climbing from the bed, she reached for her robe, wrapped it around her, and then clamored back into the warm blankets. If she was taken this time, she didn't want to be caught cold again.

Drifting back to sleep, Kathryn slept fitfully with dreams of angry crew members flitting through her head.

** =/\= **

Somewhere, a clock struck three and echoed throughout the plastic structure. Fighting, Kathryn pried her eyes a crack and then opened them all the way. She was sleeping on a sofa in a strange house.

"Q?" her voice was raspy like she had slept for a long time, but in actuality, it had only been thirty-two minutes.

"Oh goody, I don't have to convince you to leave that bed," he grinned at her. "Come along now."

Heaving a sigh, Kathryn followed, "Might as well get this over with," she muttered.

"Dearest, Kathy," he picked up her arm and linked it with his own, "Aren't you anxious to see how your life turns out?"

"There is a Prime Directive for a reason," Kathryn grumbled. "I prefer to leave some mysteries to themselves." Pausing for a moment, she added, "And wasn't Scrooge's future not what would be, but what might be?"

"I don't know," Q admitted, stopping at the entrance to a room. "Earth's literature was always a trifle too dull for my tastes - although, I suppose for a simple minded species it was quite entertaining."

Ignoring his jibe, Kathryn followed his lead and entered the room.

It was stark. The plush sofa faced large fireplace, but the fireplace was cold. Two chairs, on either side of the sofa, were angled to have a superior view of the dark terrain as well as a pleasing view of the fireplace. Above the mantel, Kathryn recognized Voyager and on the mantel was a model of her ship as well as a picture Neelix had found in the databases of Shannon O'Donnel's family.

The room was dark and void of life, save for the woman curled up on the sofa staring at the cold hearth. Beside her, a small lamp was turned on.

Is that me? Kathryn wondered, taking a few steps around the sofa. The woman's hair barely brushed her shoulders and streaks of gray ran through it, but Kathryn was certain she saw herself in the old woman's eyes.

We get home! Kathryn realized with a jolt of excitement. These were not her quarters or any others on Voyager. Then, she looked closer at the woman's eyes.

They were sad, she thought to herself. The blue-gray orbs looked as if they had been through a life filled with sorrow and regrets.

In her hands, Kathryn finally noticed the Christmas card - a real paper one. There were two bells on the front that the old woman kept tracing with her fingertips.

"Merry Christmas," she whispered to no one in the room. Then, with a frown, she laid aside the Christmas card and picked up two items that appeared to be data padds. "There's always something to be done," she muttered. "Even if it is Christmas."

"Q," Kathryn frowned. "Why am I not with my family?"

"You want to be with family on Christmas?" Q feigned surprise.

"Where's my family?" she asked in a low voice. "Are we too far apart for the holidays? Was there a falling out? Did…did they die?"

"Your family is alive, Kathryn, and living within a few miles of here." Q gave a last look around the desolate house and shuddered before snapping his fingers.

When Kathryn got her bearings again, she found herself back at the old family house. Her sister, stooped and a good few inches shorter than she remembered, was presiding over the dinner. A teenage Jamie Landsman cheerfully helped her mother take a pan of caramel brownies from the oven.

"I love these, mom," she remarked, poking them with a finger to make sure they were done. "Grandma always had them when we were young."

You still are young, Kathryn felt like saying as she watched the girl not older than eighteen.

"Do you still miss her a lot?" Jamie was asking.

"I'll always miss her," Phoebe replied softly. "She's my mother."

"What about Aunt Kathryn?" Cole asked, stomping his boots on the floor as he entered the kitchen from the snow.

"Of course I miss my sister."

"Well, I don't," Cole declared. "I stopped by headquarters last week to give her a message from Admiral Torres and she nearly bit my head off." He scowled at his mother, "And I'm her nephew!"

"You have to understand your aunt," Phoebe defended. "She spent nearly twelve years alone while Voyager was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. Returning home has not been easy for her."

"I still don't like her," Cole muttered.

"Why doesn't she come for dinner?" Jamie asked, brushing her auburn curls back. "It's once a year; surely she can spare one evening a year for her family."

"She doesn't see us as family," her brother informed her. "She only sees her ship."

"She spends Christmas with her friends from Voyager?"

"No," Phoebe stepped in. "I've invited Aunt Kathryn every year, but she won't make the effort to come."

"Because she's a grouchy, old admiral," Cole finished.

Kathryn turned her face from the scene and found herself looking into Q's eyes. "Please, tell me this is some joke." When Q only raised an eyebrow at her, she felt tears pool in her eyes. "I survived the Delta Quadrant only to become a grouchy, old admiral?" she asked, looking back to Cole and Jamie. "My sister's kids don't like me? Q," she tugged on his arm, "Take me away from this place."

"Where would you go?" he asked. "This is your future."

"Chakotay," she said instantly. "Show me Chakotay."

An instant later, Kathryn found herself standing in a small room, on a space station, she surmised, lit only by the glow of a computer screen. In a corner of the room, far from the computer terminal, Kathryn could barely make out the features of her first officer. He was still handsome, she thought to herself. Gray hair salted his black locks and there were a few more wrinkles than she remembered, but all in all, he still looked like the same dashing rebel she had met six years ago.

In his hands, she saw that he held a picture frame. Probably his latest love, she thought to herself and then realized he was talking to it. Taking a few steps forward, she strained her ears.

"-guess you did it again. You've managed to turn me down for the Christmas party sixteen years in a row," he chuckled wryly. "I suppose I should have expected it, Kathryn." He sighed deeply and turned to stare out of the Cardassian-designed window.

"It's been five year since you've spoken to me. How much longer will this silence prevail?"

He shook his head in frustration. "Alone again…another Christmas by myself…you too, I assume." He sat in silence for a few minutes longer and then stood. "I hate you, Kathryn," he murmured softly. "I really hate you."

Q and Kathryn watched as he dropped the picture on the floor and curled up on the sofa.

Gathering her courage, she leaned over and picked up the photograph. It was printed on real paper, Kathryn saw instantly. And, it was a picture of her from New Earth. Chakotay's arm was around her and he was leaning forward slightly to steady the camera. Their self portrait.

"Well, you certainly took care of him," Q sarcastically praised her.

Her voice flat, she asked, "What happened?"

"Isn't it obvious? The big oaf fell in love with you and, after you led him around for a few years, you left him and his broken heart stranded, without a hope of recovery." Q looked to the sleeping figure on the sofa. "It's a shame really. He isn't much fun, but most humans don't deserve to spend their futures alone like this."

"He doesn't have anyone?" she asked, refusing to believe that she could have had such an adverse affect on her first officer.

"He tends to scare others away," Q offered. "A certain captain stung him and Deep Space 9 isn't exactly a popular place to meet people -not since the war with the Dominion. And, Chuckles here managed to get himself exiled, I mean assigned, to it. Apparently, he pestered a certain grouchy, old admiral once too often."

Kathryn fought to keep her composure, "I sent him here?"

"You tore his heart to shreds every day in the Delta Quadrant," Q accused. "You toyed with him for a few months after Voyager's return, but promptly sent him on his way. You did the same with your family. Phoebe and Donnie and the kids came over all the time for the first week, but you were so cold to them that you scared them away as well. Is that any way to treat your family? And your ship-family - do they deserve the kind of treatment you've given them over the years? And Chuckles here," he gestured to the man who lay sleeping on the couch. "You've used him when it suited you and broken his heart more than once over the years, but you didn't care. You're a selfish woman who only looks out for her own needs and doesn't care about another person in this galaxy!"

"Alright!" Kathryn held up her hands. "I understand your point." She looked around the darkened room. "That's what this was for, right? For me to see how I used to treat my family and how I treat my families now?"

** =/\= **

With a gasp Kathryn found herself sitting up in her bed. The room was dark and lit only by starlight. "Q?" she called out hesitantly.

No one answered, but Kathryn didn't expect him to. She had seen her past, present, and future selves and correctly surmised the purpose of Q's visit. The next question, she thought to herself as she lay down, was what she was going to do about it.

It was true, she knew, that her conscious allowed her to alienate herself from the crew and Chakotay because she felt it wouldn't affect them. However, after seeing her first officer's future, she was admittedly shaken over the amount of influence she'd had on his life.

Could she allow herself to open up to the crew and Chakotay, Kathryn asked herself. Would it compromise her status as captain or enable her to do the job more completely? And, would Chakotay accept her sudden change of heart or suspect that she would turn from him once again as she always did?

** =/\= **

Kathryn awoke with a grainy taste in her mouth and her arm bent awkward under her pillow, but the morning looked brighter than it had yesterday. Extracting herself from the bed, she called for the time and was startled to discover she was going to be late for her shift.

Showering in record time, she was just putting on her socks when her door buzzed.

"Come in," she called, stumbling into the living room with a sock in one hand and her jacket in the other.

Chakotay entered, an amused grin on his face when she very nearly tripped over a pair of boots.

"Didn't hear the chrono this morning?" he teased.

"Merry Christmas to you too," she brushed passed him on her way to the replicator. "Coffee, black." Turning, she looked in his direction. "Want anything?"

"Same."

She called for another coffee and handed him the steaming mug before making her way to the sofa where her boots lay.

"Something happened last night," he began, handing her a padd and joining her on the sofa. She took it, but something in his voice prevented her from activating it. "Do you remember Lieutenant Barclay and his microwormhole?"

With a gasp, Kathryn hit the power switch and glanced down at the padd in her hands.

"Who's P. Landsman?" Chakotay asked, a note of jealously in his voice.

Kathryn gawked at the object as if it had just informed her that it would self-destruct in five seconds. "My…sister," she hesitated on the last word as she quickly scanned the letter. It was short, each letter was limited to 500 words, Kathryn read, but it held enough information for Kathryn to receive a glimpse into the lives of Donnie, Phoebe, little Cole, and baby Jamie.

"Was there one for you?" she asked, lifting her eyes to Chakotay.

He nodded briskly. "A cousin in Ohio. She said there wasn't time to get a letter together from the relatives I have left, but she'll see what she can do for the next one."

"Good," Kathryn offered him an encouraging smile. "I'm glad you've got family waiting for you."

Her first officer fumbled with another padd as if he didn't want to give it to her. "The duty roster for today," Chakotay held out the padd for her, but didn't meet her eyes. "It just needs your approval and I'll enter it into the database."

Kathryn accepted the padd and took another sip of her coffee as she studied it. Turning quickly, she was startled to find Chakotay gazing down at her in a manner that was far from professional. Her heart caught in her throat as she remembered last night. Dream or not, she now knew that her actions would affect him greatly.

"The r-roster," he stuttered, moving his eyes to the padd in her hands. "You only have to approve it."

Not tearing her eyes from his face, Kathryn fumbled with the padd for a moment.

"What are you doing?!" Chakotay exclaimed, reaching out to snatch the object from her hands.

"I think I deleted it," she replied evenly, a smile tugging on the corner of her mouth. "Make sure the crew knows that your original schedule stands."

With a small chuckle, Kathryn's first officer leaned back into the sofa. "Scrooge have a change of heart?"

Sending him a mock glare, she shrugged. "Something like that."

"The crew will be pleased," he said, still laughing. Then, turning serious suddenly, Chakotay continued. "I was going to give it to you tonight," he admitted. "But, you overslept - giving me the perfect opportunity." From out of nowhere, a tissue-wrapped package with gold ribbons appeared. Gently, he pressed it in her hands

Kathryn gasped in shock and then looked up at her first officer sharply. His eyes were unguarded - inviting her to accept the gift.

"Aren't you going to open it?" he teased.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, Kathryn gently tore back the paper opened the box. Inside, nestled on a bed of cotton, as she knew it would be, lay a leather bound book.

"A complete volume of-"

"Georgette Madlin's work," she finished for him. "You've bookmarked one of her poems. Thank you, Chakotay. I love it." Leaning over, she pecked him on the cheek and then pulled back just as quickly.

"You haven't even opened the cover!" he exclaimed, startled by the kiss. "How could you know-"

Smiling secretly, Kathryn covered his hand. "There's a lot you don't know about me, Chakotay."

"Are you going to tell me?" he asked, feeling slightly giddy as he turned his hand over to catch hers -- and she didn't pull away.

"Hmmm….perhaps. In time." She rose from the sofa, pulling him with her. "What time has Neelix planned the party for tonight?"

Chakotay's eyebrows nearly rose to his hairline, "You're not going, are you?" When she nodded once, his face broke into a grin. "I'll pick you up at six?"

"Perfect," she replied, a rare smile reaching into her eyes.

He glanced down at their hands, still intertwined. "Tom's holding a rings tournament at Sullivans for most of today," he began hesitantly. "Would you care to go and challenge some of the locals - or at least our crew?"

"I'd love to," she agreed. "We can leave for Sullivans from today's staff meeting."

Nodding, he gave her hand a squeeze and started to leave.

"Chakotay, wait," she tugged on his hand and pulled him back to her side. "Q….Q taught me some things about myself last night," she began. "One thing I learned was that I didn't want to hurt you." When the smile slipped from his features, she lifted a hand to his cheek. "I can't hurt you, but by teasing you with our friendship for six years, I've done exactly that and-"

"Kathryn," he cut her off, "Contrary to what the crew may think or say, I'm not a marionette bound to love you. I choose to love you and wait for you because I believe that one day you'll return those feelings."

"I do love you," she whispered, stepping into his embrace. "I've just been afraid to admit it to you….to myself…to everyone."

Chakotay was content to hold Kathryn close, her head buried under his chin, but she lifted her eyes to his. Pure, unhidden love he had thought he may never see shone out of her blue-gray eyes. When his eyes flicked down over her mouth, the corners of her lips turned up and he felt her hand pressing against the back of his neck, pulling him toward her.

When Chakotay raised his head, he saw tears welling up in her eyes. "I never thought my kiss would make you cry," he whispered to her with a soft chuckle.

"It's not that," she wiped at the tears. "I'm just so glad….to have finally told you how I feel."

Brushing back a strand of auburn hair, Chakotay nodded. "Me too."

She swallowed hard and gave him a smile, then stepped out of his arms. "I'll meet you in the conference room, alright? There's something I need to take care of."

She did have a few items that she needed to take care of before the meeting, she reminded herself as she watched his retreating figure - namely figuring out what to get Chakotay for Christmas.

Lifting his gift from where she'd laid t on the table, she caressed the leather cover for a moment and then turned to the poem he had marked for her. "Eternal Friendship"