Love Circles

By: Jennica Williams

DISCLAIMER: I am not using Star Trek for profit. Paramount owns the characters, the ships, the uniforms, the biogel packs, even Neelix's food, I'm just here playing around with the ideas running through my head. No copyright infringement is intended.

"Damage report." Captain Kathryn Janeway snapped as she gripped the arms of her chair to keep herself from being tossed to the floor.

"Decks 4 and 7 are without power, and life support is failing on deck 14" Harry Kim answered briskly. "Crew members are already evacuating."

"Engineering?"

"Serious damage, Captain." Torres' voice answered in a crackle over the comm system. "I've never ... this mutilated. ... without warp drive for...few...minimum. ...getting...reports in, ...not sure what...what we don't."

The huge cubed ship loomed on the view screen in front of them. Menacing. Rotating ever so slowly against the darkness of space. "I need warp drive now B'Elanna."

"Captain...impossible. We're working...we can, but.....not going.... impulse engines. Ensign! Get...-ries tube 37."

Captain Janeway eyed the Borg ship. She had never given up a fight against them and she wasn't about to start now. Setting her jaw in a firm line, Kathryn looked to her first officer, Chakotay. "Suggestions?" she asked him wryly.

"Run!" Tom Paris called from the helm.

"I would be more than willing to if we were able."

Chakotay turned to the captain from his chair beside her, "Do you want to try the cloaking we got from the Craitzens? If we used that we may be able to move out on impulse once the systems are up again."

"And if it's as unstable as B'Elanna claims, we're as good as dead."

"We're as good as dead right now." Chakotay insisted.

Tilting her head at him slightly, Janeway clenched the seat of her chair. "True. Let's do it, people."

Within five minutes, the cloaking device had been installed by Seven, against B'Elanna's adamant wishes, and the switch was flipped. Holding their breath as a collective, the crew of Voyager waited to see if they would survive the next few seconds or be blown to the next star system.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Janeway sank back in her chair. Purple and gold spots were illuminating the view screen where Borg phasers hit the newly installed cloaking device, but the shots appeared to be at random and many failed to hit Voyager. They were safe - for the moment.

"I need a new plan of action in-" Janeway cut herself off short as the Borg cube suddenly spun and shot away from the Federation ship. "What the-"

"Luck." Chakotay offered, wiping beads of perspiration from his brow. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, Captain."

She gave a short grunt and nodded. "Begin repairs immediately. I'll be in my ready room. Commander, you have the bridge."

Janeway moved to the door to her ready room and leaned on the panel beside it after the doors swished close behind her. She had thought they were at the end of their journey that time. The Borg had been ready to send a phaser at them that would knock them to the other side of the galaxy in one million pieces. But something had happened, her First Officer once again come through for her. The Borg were still out there, somewhere. But they couldn't see Voyager , and Voyager could continue scans so they could be more prepared for the next attack.

Moving to her desk she noticed for the first time the items littering the floor from the ship being tossed about. Bending over the first thing she picked up was a holographic picture of her fiancee Mark and their dog, Molly. She gently wiped the dust that was quickly settling off the picture and laid it on her desk.

"Oh Mark....where are you right now?...." she whispered gazing out at the stars from the one window in her ready room. "I'm trying to get home....I really am..."

~ * =/\= * ~

Engineering was inextricable. That was the best word to describe the scene that Chakotay walked in on. B'Elanna was ordering three officers to three different jobs at once. Harry had already run down and was working beside Seven of Nine to pull access panels off the wall in order to override safety protocols. Paris, who really should have been in sickbay, was curious to see B'Elanna at work, and followed her exact orders as he punched what she said into one of the controls as quickly as he could.

"Hey, B'Elanna. How's it going?" Chakotay asked.

She whirled to face him quickly before sliding under a console. "One of the antimatter's magnetic constrictors has completely failed. We'll have to replace it. We don't have that kind of material just lying around here, Chakotay. It will be weeks, possibly months, before we can even think about warp drive being on-line again."

"Is there that much damage?" he asked bewildered.

With a grunt, she pushed out from under the console to look at him. "In the three years I've been on this ship, the antimatter chamber has never sustained this much damage. We'll practically have to rebuild it."

"Do you think we can have impulse back up in a few hours?"

"A few hours!?" came the muffled laugh from under the console again. "Maybe we can get it for you in a few days. That's if I can get thrusters back online without having to rebuild them."

"Well, then we'll have the Borg breathing down our necks for the next couple of days. I really don't like that idea, B'Elanna, see what you can do to hurry up the process." Chakotay turned on his heel and left. Everywhere he went it was the same. Distraught crew members frantically trying to repair equipment. It seemed that most had survived any serious injuries. Only a few bumps and bruises, but occasionally he'd pass by a group of people helping one their friends to sickbay.

He didn't really know what to do with himself. He was supposed to be on the bridge giving orders, but the captain was back, so he'd just been sitting by her side while the crew did their best to put the ship back together. Rolling up his sleeves he went to the next group of crew members he found and asked what he could do to help. The group turned startled, but quickly got over their shock and told him what they were trying to accomplish.

~ * =/\= * ~

Neelix stood nervously at the end of his counter in the messhall. He'd remembered a species living in this area of the quadrant who he thought may be able to help, but presenting the idea to the captain was something he didn't relish. He liked her well enough, but she had not been in the best of temperaments lately. He took a deep breath and began walking over to where she was eating her lunch alone, while reading a padd.

As he drew closer, Janeway looked up.

"Neelix, how can I help you?" she asked.

"Well captain, I just remembered something that may be of use to you." he was nearly bursting with excitement.

Silently, she laid the padd beside her meal and waited for him to continue.

"A race called the Lesiounyns lives near here. About 3 light years away actually. They may be able to help us with our ...uh..problem." he grinned, happy to be able to provide some assistance.

"Our problem?" Janeway was not quite focused on the man speaking before her. "Oh, you mean warp drive and the engines. Are these people friendly traders?"

"For the right price." Neelix hurried on at her questioning eyebrows. "These people are extremely inquisitive. They would probably be grateful for a few history lessons on our peoples traveling here."

"History lessons for equipment?" Janeway was instantly curious about these people.

"Yes, captain. They have more than enough equipment from their 7 planets, and 15 moons, but they don't have that much knowledge of other worlds. They travel great distances, but not to the Alpha Quadrant."

"Thank you Neelix, I'll bring it up at the next senior staff meeting...which I'm late for. If you'll excuse me." hurriedly the captain excused herself and went directly to the conference room.

Once all the senior staff members were seated she reviewed Neelix's proposal.

"B'Elanna, do you think these people can help us get the materials we need?" she ended.

Torres nodded one short nod. "I think so. If I had the right materials, we can use the replicators to make the actual pieces."

"Tom, set a course for the Lesiounyn homeworld." Janeway said in way of dismissal.

"As soon as impulse is back up." B'Elanna added. "As soon as impulse is back up." Janeway echoed with a soft moan.

~ * =/\= * ~

"The Lesiounyn home world is in viewing range captain." Harry spoke up from his station on the bridge.

"On screen."

A planet with swirls of green and blue amid brown greeted them.

"How much longer until we get there?" she asked trying to keep her voice calm, despite the excitement at seeing a world that looked so much like their own Earth. Perhaps there would be the opportunity for shoreleave. If nothing else, she was excited that they would have warp drive back on-line again.

"Three hours, forty six minutes." Tuvok stated from his console.

"Good." Janeway leaned back in her chair and watched as the planet grew larger on the view screen. Feeling Chakotay's eyes on her she turned toward him.

"Will you be going down there?" he softly inquired, concern written over his visage.

"I'm planning on it." she answered.

"Allow me to come. I have a funny feeling about these people. I don't want something to happen that shouldn't." he said it so quietly only she could hear, but Tuvok cast a quick disapproving glance at them from behind which they both missed.

She stared at Chakotay long and hard before making her decision. "Fine."

"They are hailing us captain."

"On screen." she stood quickly and instinctively tugged on the front of her uniform. Behind her, she felt rather than heard Chakotay take his place just over her shoulder.

A man in a black uniform appeared on the viewscreen. His eyes were dark and his brow had the wrinkles of a Klingon, in fact, he looked as if he could be part klingon, if he wasn't the color of a crystal clear pale blue sky.

"I am W'polskels, the Leader of the Lesiounyns. To whom am I speaking?"

"I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager." Janeway said taking a few steps forward. "We are here on a peaceful mission hoping to trade with you."

"What do you want from us?"

"Supplies." she stated holding out her hands, palms up, in what she hoped was an open gesture. "Mainly engineering supplies, but also some food and medical provisions if that wouldn't be too much trouble."

"What did you bring to trade with?"

"We have been told that your people are interested in accumulating knowledge. Among my crew there are many different species. We all have a unique history of our own. We would be willing to trade our knowledge of different species from different quadrants."

W'polskels leaned forward. "I will look forward to meeting you Captain." he smiled. "Please contact me when you have reached the third planet and have established standard orbit."

His image blinked away instantly.

"Tom, you heard him. Standard orbit."

"Yes, ma'am."

Janeway turned to Chakotay. "What did you think?"

"This could be our easiest trade yet." he admitted with a grin.

~ * =/\= * ~

Almost four hours later Janeway and Chakotay were beamed down to meet with W'polskels leaving Tuvok in command.

W'polskels came forward and quickly kissed the captain's fingertips. "So wonderful to see otherworlders here." he said. He greeted Chakotay with a nod of his head. "You too Commander. Please, sit down."

Both sat on huge pillows that were settle on the floor. W'polskels settled on his own pillow behind a low desk. "I believe our trading will work out just fine." he said looking at Janeway. "Did you bring a list of the items you require?"

She handed him a padd with a very detailed list. Having no eyebrows, he had to settle for raising his ridges on his forehead.

"Some of these will require a bit of 'sleri'nx soiern'" he said. (The universal translator didn't pick that phrase up very well) "But since I am well established in the government here, I believe I can get all you require."

"In exchange," the captain began. "I have another padd to leave with you. It is a record of some of our species on board our ship. It has detailed accounts of the history of them, along with a holophoto of an important figurehead from each species."

"Lei'rns W'polskels, you are being called by the Aoir'j W'polskels." a voice called from the next room.

"Thank you, I shall take it in the next room." he answered. Then turned to his guests, "Excuse me, my father is on the line. He is...not well."

"Of course." they both murmured.

Alone, Janeway turned to her first officer. "He seems ready to help."

Too ready." Chakotay added softly. "I wonder if it's a hoax."

"The thought crossed my mind too." she admitted. "But right now I guess we don't have any choice but to trust him."

"I still don't like it." he whispered back.

They still had their heads together whispering when they heard him come back in. Quickly pulling apart he eyed them for a moment. "Are the two of you committed to each other?"

Shocked, Janeway couldn't find her voice for a moment.

"We're good friends and command a ship together." Chakotay offered.

W'polskels paused for a minute. "I have made a decision. Take this." He pushed the padd containing all the data they had stored on it back to them. "I will take you, Captain, as my fourth mate, and in exchange, your ship shall carry off the best of my lands. Enough to get you home, and then some."

Janeway gaped at W'polskels.

Misinterpreting her silence to mean that she would actually consider it, Chakotay turned to her quickly. "I will not let you even consider this Captain."

W'polskels raised his eyebrows. "I don't believe you are in a position to answer for the captain...unless you are thinking of taking her as your mate. If that is the case then either way, I will be able to see the ceremony and learn about your culture by being there."

Both senior staff members stared at W'polskels and then turned toward each other.

"I will leave you to make your decision." With nothing more to say, he left the room.

They sat mutely for a minute, neither one daring to look at the other. Finally Janeway sighed.

"What do we do?" she asked softly. "We need supplies so bad, but marriage is something fast to jump into. I guess I could just marry him...." her voice trailed off.

Chakotay's head jerked around. "You will do no such thing." he declared. "I will not leave this planet with you behind married to some....some.....some..."

"You'd be captain." Janeway's eyes twinkled.

Chakotay frowned intently at her. "I don't want to be captain. I'm content where I am."

"Then what do you suggest Commander?" she asked.

"Marry me, Kathryn." Chakotay slammed his eyes shut against her reaction. Would she laugh at him? Or maybe get angry? Well, probably not angry, he figured, after all, she most likely didn't have any idea how deep his feelings for her really were.

Kathryn was quiet for a minute. "Marry you....for engineering equipment?...."

"To not marry him." he rephrased it.

"If we got married, even as an act, Starfleet would recognize it as a real ceremony." Janeway reminded him.

"I know."

The voice was barely a whisper, but it the message it carried with it penetrated every cell of Janeway's body. This man was willing to give up any life he would have, for her.

"You're ready for that?" She finally asked.

"I don't think W'polskels has given us much of a choice. We're about 5 months journey from the next planet if we don't do anything about the warp drive. And Voyager can't stay in this condition forever. If we got in one little skirmish, we'd be gone."

She nodded slowly. "But, marriage..." her voice trailed off.

"The crew couldn't get home without you."

She was silent, looking anywhere but at him.

Reaching over, Chakotay brushed a hand over her cheek before lifting chin so he could meet her eyes. "We'll make this work, Kathryn." he promised.

When they gave W'polskels the news he was clearly delighted.

"Wonderful!" he exclaimed clapping his hands together. "When will this ceremony take place?"

Janeway thought for a minute. "Tomorrow. At 1500, on our ship."

"Wonderful!" he exclaimed again. Then he stood. "I shall greatly anticipate it. But for now, I will leave you to do whatever planning you must."

The captain nodded. "We shall see you tomorrow then, at 1500."

"And I shall have the equipment sent up directly following the ceremony."

"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up." the captain and commander vanished into thin air, but not before they saw the secret smile on W'polskels' face.

"My ready room commander." Janeway ordered as they stepped off the transporter pad.

He nodded briskly and followed her through the halls of Voyager. Stepping on the bridge they said nothing until they were safely in her ready room with the door shut tightly behind them. Then the captain went to the window and stared out, still not saying anything.

Chakotay came over and stood beside her. His hand hesitated over her shoulder. Finally, he let it rest on the red material and pulled her gently back against his chest.

"Are we really going to go through with this?" she asked softly not pulling away.

"If you don't change your mind, then yes." Chakotay answered.

She stepped away and looked at him hard. So strong....but behind him she could still see the picture of Mark sitting on her desk. If she did marry Chakotay, she was giving up any hope of ever marrying Mark.

His eyes followed her gaze. It landed on a picture of the man who he had been so jealous of for the past three years since he'd met Captain Kathryn Janeway. He knew this was Mark, the man who she had been planning to marry The only good thing he could find about him was that he was back in the Alpha Quadrant, and Chakotay was in the Delta Quadrant with the captain.

"I don't know how real this marriage will be." Janeway said still looking at Mark's picture. "I've still got feelings for Mark. One doesn't fall in love and then fall out just ask quickly."

"Kathryn," Chakotay took her by her shoulders and turned her so she couldn't look at the picture. "I've had feelings for you for awhile now and I've known I would have to wait. I can continue to wait however long you need for me to."

She dragged her eyes to his face. "Thank you, Chakotay." Taking a step closer to him, she wished she could tell him that she would willingly transfer her love from Mark to him. That his stand for her was enough to make her fall in love with him. She couldn't force herself to say that she was beginning to recognize she had feelings for him too, but when he leaned in to softly brush his lips over her own, she realized he must have an inkling.

With a start, Kathryn suddenly pushed away from Chakotay.

"Kathryn?" his dark colored eyes showed the pain he was feeling at being rejected by her.

She held up a hand to stop him. "I'm sorry Chakotay. I'm the captain of this ship. I have to remember that. We both have to remember that. We're just ten feet from the bridge. If the crew saw us...." she trailed off not wanting to think of the gossip that would circulate and the respect the crew could lose for its commanding officers.

He nodded in understanding. "Captain and Commander first. Kathryn and Chakotay second."

She nodded her eyes saying thank you.

"We need to tell the crew something."

Janeway closed her eyes. Tell her crew she was marrying her first officer so she could get them home a little faster. Their reaction would be something interesting. Tapping her communicator, she quickly called for a meeting in the conference room in ten minutes.

After she had closed the link, Chakotay turned from the window where he'd been thinking. "Can I kiss you at the wedding?" he asked hesitantly.

She didn't hesitate to nod. "They will be expecting that. And if we're to put on this wedding exactly as it should be, then you'd have to."

Chakotay felt a smile tug at his lips as he followed her to the conference room.

"Thank you for coming so quickly." Janeway stood behind her chair. Chakotay watched as one hand drifted up to the communicator and toyed with it.

Everyone else was quiet waiting for her to continue. "There has been a request made by the Lesiounyn leader. He wanted to take me as his mate so he could learn about our culture."

Tom gave a snort of laughter. "I bet that went over well."

Janeway smiled in agreement. "Yes, you're right." She waited until silence had descended over the table again before continuing. "He altered the request and asked that a marriage ceremony be performed on the ship so he could learn about our culture by viewing the ceremony."

Tom gave a short laugh. "And the lucky couple would be....."

"Yourself and B'Elanna." Chakotay broke in.

"Not on your life!" Torres spat.

"What's the matter, B'Elanna? I'm too-"

"Too much of a sexist pig." She finished for him.

"Oh!" Tom grabbed his chest as if in pain. "You hurt me with your forked tongue."

"Enough." Janeway's sharp voice brought them all back to the matter at hand. "The commander and I will be marrying."

Once again, silence engulfed the group. Secretly, the officers felt it was best that their senior most officer marry - had in fact thought it would happen for a long time - but not one of them would have guessed the circumstances surrounding the blessed event to be so....unusual.

As quickly as the table silenced, it suddenly erupted in a cacophony of chatter. Most were congratulations, but Tuvok was warning against a marriage between the captain and first officer. "It is not wise, and Starfleet does frown on it." he reminded them.

"Starfleet won't have a chance to frown on us if we don't." Janeway told her old friend. "If we don't marry, then we'll not get the supplies we need. With out the supplies, we won't survive the next fight we get in. When we get home in seventy years, then they can rebuke me for marrying my first officer."

"Tom, you and Harry are to set up holodeck 2 as a wedding chapel. Tuvok, at precisely 1430, I'll turn command of the ship over to you so you can do the ceremony."

"Don't worry about a thing. We'll take care of it." Tom answered for all.

"That's what I'm afraid of." Chakotay muttered under his breath.

"Thank you, Tom." Janeway cast a warning glance at Chakotay. "The ceremony will take place tomorrow and 1500. Please be in holodeck 2 by then. Any questions?" No one said a word, though everyone except one disapproving Vulcan and one non-emotional ex-Borg were grinning. "Fine, dismissed." They filed out silently, but as soon as they stepped over the threshold the chatter that began.

Janeway sighed when the door swished shut behind them. Turning she saw that Chakotay was now sitting on the conference table. "Commander?"

He gazed at her for a long moment. "Are you going to call me Commander after we're married?"

"There will be no change in our relationship. We'll just have a copy of a marriage certificate in the computer that says we performed a ceremony." It sounded funny to even her ears, but she could see Mark's face in her mind.

He nodded stiffly. "Then in that case, I'll be in my quarters, captain."

Janeway watched him go. She had feelings for him, of that she was clearly aware. If she hadn't been, then his kiss would have made her realize that. But her feelings for Mark were so strong still. She hadn't completely let go of the idea that she may never see him again. Until she faced that, she felt it would be better to continue their relationship as it was-the captain/commander relationship with a growing friendship.

Moving back to her ready room, the door had hardly closed before the chime announced someone wishing to see her.

"Come." she called knowing who it was. "Tuvok...I know why you're here." She said without turning around. "And it won't change my mind."

"If you marry the commander, Starfleet would have to recognize it as an act of marriage." he reminded her.

"I know that, Tuvok, and I thank you for your concern. But Chakotay and I really don't have a choice if we want to obtain the supplies this ship is in so desperate need of."

"Marriage is just something you must consider seriously before jumping in to."

"I thank you for your concern, but the commander and I are grown, we do not need you to watch out for us."

He paused. Then nodded shortly. "Understood."

~ * =/\= * ~

Chakotay awoke the next morning with butterflies in his stomach. To be honest, they felt more like eagles battling to all take flight at once. Shaking a little he went to splash water on his face and get dressed. They had decided on the traditional style wedding. He had already replicated a tux, it was hanging beside the door to his bedroom, just waiting to make him uncomfortable.

But the wedding wasn't for another six hours. He slipped into his command uniform and went to get some breakfast in the mess hall.

As soon as he stepped through the doors he spotted her out of the corner of his eye. He hadn't been able to fall asleep last night because he'd been thinking of her. In time, he had a feeling she'd learn to love him just as much as he loved her. He was so afraid she'd call off the whole thing today before they went through with it though. But she was there. In one hand was a padd which she was reading over, and the other held a cup, of which he was certain contained coffee. Before her sat a small plate of fruit.

Chakotay got his own breakfast and made his way over to her table. "Good morning, Captain." he said in way of a greeting as he pulled out the chair beside her.

She glanced up. "Good morning. I was just looking at today's shifts. It appears we'll be working with a minimum crew at 1500. Most have requested to come to the ceremony."

He smiled. "They want to see the first marriage on board."

"Well they better enjoy the ceremony, because that's as much romance they are going to see from this captain." she said quickly.

"Of course captain."

She eyed him before taking a bite of fruit. He had a hint of a smile in his eyes that said he planned to make a liar of her. Mark. The name came from nowhere. But it had an effect on her. She closed her eyes and drew a shaky breath.

"Excuse me, Commander." Janeway stood up quickly and almost ran from the room leaving the breakfast and PADD sitting on the table. The few crew members sitting at other tables turned to look at the commander who was staring after his captain.

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway was sitting in her quarters on her sofa when the door chimed. "Come." she called in a shaky voice.

"What happened?" Chakotay asked inviting himself to sit down beside her.

Kathryn covered her face in her hands trying to wipe away the tears he'd already seen. "It's nothing Chakotay."

"If it was nothing, it wouldn't bother you. Tell me Kathryn.."

She turned her blue eyes up to him. And then her gaze fell on the holopicture of Mark on the table beside him.

He followed her eyes. "It's him isn't it?" he asked softly.

"No. Of course not. I'm nearly over him." she said quickly standing. "Please leave. I have to get ready for this ceremony of ours."

Chakotay stood also and just looked down at her. 'Okay, Kay, I won't push you to confide in me, this time.' He thought to himself. Then he turned and left her quarters and went to his own.

Janeway turned and looked back at Mark's picture. She had to do something about that. Picking it up, she took it and set it by her bed. Now at least people stopping by wouldn't see it.

~ * =/\= * ~

At precisely 1445, W'polskels was beamed aboard and taken directly to holodeck 2 where crew members were already gathering. Tuvok stood at the front of the aisle with a slight frown. Command of Voyager had already been passed to him 15.56 minutes earlier. Tom, Harry, B'Elanna, and Seven stood at the front also. They were softly talking among themselves and also to W'polskels. The door to the corridor opened and all heads turned. Chakotay, still with eagles beating around in his insides, walked in and up to the front of the aisle.

"I thought the captain said a church." he said quietly gazing around him. He was certainly not in a church. They were in some sort of garden. Vines with enormous pale pink blossoms hung from beautiful lattice work. More flowers were in full bloom on beautiful bushes with glossy green leaves.

"We looked up some stuff in the computer and found that garden weddings were the more beautiful of the two, and we figured with you'd like the outdoors in comparison to the chapel." Paris said. "We can change it if you want."

"No. No. It's quite nice like this. She'll like it."

Heads began to turn again and Chakotay's attention was captured by the beautiful bride in pure white at the back. Harry nodded to the small band who instantly began the wedding march, but Chakotay barely heard it. His thoughts were centered on the woman making her way up to him. Once upon a time, he had dreamed of this day. It didn't seem possible that it was actually coming true.

Janeway couldn't help but notice his stare. Smiling slightly, she forced herself to concentrate on the words of her old Vulcan friend.

Tuvok presided over the ceremony in a most Vulcan way, complete with a slight frown when he said, "You may now kiss the bride.", and Chakotay leaned forward to do exactly that.

As they pulled apart the captain felt something stir in her heart. She already knew she had feelings for her first officer, but could those feelings turn into a love that could make this marriage actually work? Then she remembered Mark. By entering into the marriage with Chakotay, almost all hopes of marrying Mark when they got home were over.

The couple was led over to sign a certificate of marriage on a padd already set up. After that, everyone went to the messhall for the reception. Chakotay and Janeway followed a bit slower than the rest of the group. At the crews' insistence, they took a separate turbolift than the group with just the two of them.

Chakotay rubbed his arm where Paris and Harry Kim had all but shoved him in with the captain.

She tried to hide a smile at his resistance. He caught her smile and tried to get out a frown.

"Do you find this humorous that your new husband is being abused by your crew?" he tried to ask grumpily.

"Yes."

He narrowed his eyes and started moving toward her determined to have revenge, but the panicked look in her eyes stopped him instantly. "I'm sorry, Captain." Retreating, Chakotay leaned against a wall of the turbolift.

When the turbolift halted both stepped forward. Chakotay didn't look at her, but took her hand and tucked it by his elbow. When she didn't resist, he was relieved.

Putting on faces of happiness they stepped into the mess hall where Neelix had been preparing food ever since he'd heard of the wedding.

Spotting them the instant they stepped over the threshold, Neelix bounded over to them. "I want to offer my congratulations Captain, Commander. I know you'll be very happy together." He was grinning from ear to ear.

"Thank you Neelix." Janeway smiled in a way that Chakotay had quickly determined as fake.

He was trying to hide his own grin from the captain as he gently ran his fingertips over her fingers resting on his arm. Kathryn didn't look at him as Neelix moved away, but Paris did.

"Congratulations." Paris came up with his own smile and then quickly went to B'Elanna and Harry.

"Let's get something to eat."

Chakotay tried to hide the smile that was stretching across his face. "If you want to keep them away, Captain, you'd better come up with a new plan." he said as Harry and Seven came up, followed by W'polskels and Tuvok.

"It was a most interesting event." W'polskels said. "I truly enjoyed it. And I have already had the cargo transported to the ship. You're ready to leave as soon as you want."

"Thank you for the cargo." Janeway said.

"Yes, thank you." Chakotay echoed. But W'polskels caught the hidden meaning from Chakotay's words.

"You are both very welcome." he replied smiling. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business I need to attend to on my planet. I want to wish you the best of luck in your marriage, and also in getting home."

They both murmured their thanks again as he left the mess hall.

~ * =/\= * ~

As the crowds thinned out of the mess hall, Chakotay and Janeway slipped out and down the corridors of Voyager Going directly to her quarters, he stopped outside the door.

"Well, good night, Captain."

Janeway looked up at him briefly. "Good night."

"You are planning on moving in, right Commander?"

Both flushed as Tom and Harry rounded a corner and joined the bridal couple.

"Actually, no." Chakotay answered.

"So, you're going to let the crew think that the captain can be ordered by some blue alien?"

"He has a point." Harry volunteered. "If the crew thought that you actually cared about each other and W'polskles was the needed catalyst to get you together, then....."

"Then it wouldn't appear as though the senior officer of Voyager could be easily coerced."

Both sighed. Janeway cast a glance at Chakotay. "He does have a point."

With another heavy sigh, Chakotay over rode the door lock and guided Kathryn inside. "Happy?" he called over his shoulder to the two grinning bridge officers. Muttering something about the warp plasma conduits needing to be cleaned, Chakotay meandered over to the sofa.

" If it's all right with you, I'm going to steal your couch." Chakotay dropped his coat over a chair and collapsed on the cushions as he unbuttoned the first button of the dress shirt.

She gave a short nod and moved to her room. When she came out not five minutes later he was already curled up asleep on the couch. She watched him sleep peacefully for a minute before moving to cover him with the blanket she'd brought, and then she quietly slipped in her room.

~ * =/\= * ~

Chakotay awoke to the sounds of someone moving around in his quarters. His mind instantly kicked on as his eyes snapped open to face the intruder. Wait. He wasn't in his quarters. The window was on the wrong side of the room. With a start he sat up and clutched the blanket that had been laid over him.

The events of the past few days came rushing at him full force. He was married to the most wonderful woman in the quadrant. His wife, who wanted no kind of marriage, was the one in the next room - and probably going to beat him to the bridge that morning.

Relaxing, he laid back down and tried to turn over on the narrow couch. A loud thud resounded through the darkened quarters as he landed on the floor. "Umph!"

"Chakotay?" Kathryn's voice drifted from her bedroom.

"I'm fine." he grunted, slightly embarrassed.

She poked her head out just in time to see him pick himself up off the floor. He saw her hide a smile as he gathered his coat and tie from a table and walked to the door.

"I'll see you on the bridge captain." he tossed over his shoulder with a smile. Then, moving along the corridors he made his way to his own quarters.

~ * =/\= * ~

As the captain stepped onto the bridge, she was aware of everyone's eyes turning to her before they jerked back to their stations.

"Where's the commander?" Paris asked innocently.

"In his quarters getting ready, I assume." she stated. "Report."

"All systems are normal."

"We can leave orbit when you're ready."

She nodded in acknowledgment. "Set course for the alpha quadrant. Warp 3." Moving to her chair, she couldn't help by smile.. She may have been coerced into marrying her first officer, but it wasn't the end of the universe. They could move on, make their way home. Besides, she would much rather be married to Chakotay than to anyone else, like Paris. She had feelings for Chakotay. But she kept her thoughts carefully reigned in. She couldn't let go of Mark. Not just yet. Also, and probably the main point if she would have admitted it to herself, is that she didn't know what the crew would think of it if she and Chakotay started acting like a married couple. She was the captain. There was a certain image that went along with being captain. Jean-Luc Picard, she remembered, had been very distant from his crew. And they had greatly respected him. She was determined to have that same respect.

The turbolift doors opened softly behind her, but the captain didn't turn. She knew who had just arrived. When her first officer sat down in the chair next to her, she didn't say a word, but instead stared at the view screen that showed the stars they were speeding past.

Chakotay cast a secret glance in his new wife's direction. She was deep in thought he could tell. Probably trying to figure out how to get me out of her quarters, he thought wryly. Well, it wouldn't work. Tom and Harry may have been right about the crew needing to think that Captain Janeway couldn't be manipulated by outside forces, but he was going to make his captain love him. They were married now. They had to make this relationship work, because if they didn't, it would be a very long and lonely seventy years for both of them.

~ * =/\= * ~

Both captain and commander settled into a routine that seemed to work for them. Breakfast was eaten together in the mess hall before reporting to the bridge. They went about their separate ways doing whatever needed to be done that day and then had dinner together in the mess hall. After dinner, Janeway would do whatever reading from the days' work was required, and Chakotay would either do his own reading, or have some leisure time. Then the captain would retire to her room, and Chakotay claimed the couch in her living room that he had yet to desert. It seemed to be a working relationship and Chakotay felt he was possibly breaking through her hard shell little by little. Although she rarely smiled when on duty, her smiles in the shared quarters were becoming more and more frequent.

~ * =/\= * ~

"So, how long do you think it will be before little Naomi Wildman has a playmate on board?" Tom Paris leaned lazily against the pool table in the holodeck.

"What do you mean Tom?" B'Elanna asked absentmindedly leaning over for a shot.

"Well, they've been married for two weeks and they still act like total strangers in front of us." Paris said. "I'm just curious how long it will take before they realize they're in love."

"Oh, you think they're in love?" B'Elanna turned facing him pool pole up right and hand on her hip. "What makes you the expert on their love life?"

"He's been following the captain and commander's love life very carefully." Harry grinned coming over with drinks for them. "Doesn't have anything better to do right Tom?"

"I have plenty of better things to do," he caught B'Elanna's eye with a smile. "But I am curious about the gossip of our senior most officers. They can't stay apart forever. I bet we'll have an addition to this ship within this year."

"No." Harry shook his head. "I'd say a year and a half. Junior officers don't call Janeway 'ice queen' for anything.."

"Don't know...." Tom murmured, an evil glint in his eyes. "They have been eating together for nearly every meal."

"And eating together proves what exactly?" B'Elanna demanded.

"I'm with B'Elanna." Harry took a long sip of his drink. "They've been eating together for almost three years."

Tom opened his mouth to contradict them again, but Janeway's voice over the comm system interrupted him.

"All hands to battlestations!"

Tom and Harry stumbled out of the turbolift onto the bridge and slipped quickly into their stations.

Chakotay followed them from another turbolift. "What is it?" he asked.

Janeway turned so he could see the screen behind her. A V'Lari ship grew by the second on the view screen. "We've tried hailing. No answer though."

"They are powering weapons." Tuvok stated calmly.

"Tom, evasive maneuvers sequence Beta G." Janeway replied quickly.

They avoided a direct phaser shot, but it did rock the ship a little causing Janeway to stumble. She grabbed Chakotay's arm to steady herself and then let go immediately.

"Fire a warning shot. Just glance it off the side. I'd prefer to avoid a full scale conflict."

A burst of yellow shot from Voyager's phaser banks, but the V'Lari ship was undaunted and continued firing.

"What do they want with us?" she wondered allowed.

"Captain, they are V'Lari. They don't need a reason to fire on us." Chakotay answered.

"Shields down to eighty five percent." Tuvok added.

She stared at the screen for a minute before making a decision. "Take out their weapons on my mark. But do not disable or destroy them. Mark."

More yellow colored phasers shot at the Kazon ship.

"Their weapons have sustained heavy damage." Harry announced from his station.

"They are retreating." Tuvok reported.

"Cease fire. Damage report?"

"Deck had some minor damage to the hull. Crews are responding. But other than that, none." Harry reported quickly.

"Very good." Janeway stared at the screen. " Continue on at Warp 4. I'll be in my ready room. You have the bridge commander."

Chakotay's eyes followed the captain. He could still feel where her small hand had put pressure on his arm to keep from toppling across the bridge. Sitting down, he forced himself to stare directly at the viewscreen.

~ * =/\= * ~

It was late. Janeway tossed in her bed. She couldn't get to sleep. Something was bothering her, but she didn't want to part with it. She missed Mark. She missed him so terribly it hurt. It had been three years, she'd even spent that time with Chakotay on New Earth, but there was still a void in her heart from Mark. He wasn't the first who had filled that hole, Justin had been. He had died, she had lost him, but she had gotten over Justin. It had taken a long time, but had been accomplished. Now, she felt she needed Mark. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she buried her head in her pillow. Sobs racked her body, but she couldn't let Chakotay hear them. He'd only want to help. And she didn't need his help right now.

Chakotay heard the sobs coming from the next room. He longed to go comfort her, but he knew she wouldn't welcome him. So he turned over on the narrow sofa and tried to bury his ears in a pillow; he couldn't bear to hear her crying. It hurt him too much.

After only a few minutes he could stand it no longer. Standing up he tried to decide what he was going to say. By the time he reached her door, he didn't know. So he just tapped lightly. When she didn't answer, he allowed the door to open.

"Kathryn?" he called softly stepping into the soft starlight streaming through the window.

"Chakotay?" she mumbled trying to get her face out of her pillow.

"I'm here Kathryn." he said coming to her side. She shrank away from his touch. The hurt showed in his eyes. "How long are you going to pull away?"

"Don't touch me Chakotay." was her answer.

"Why not? Let me help you." he asked quietly leaning towards her. "This business relationship is not what I want. I'm in love with you, Kay." He reached forward and gently brushed a lock of long hair away from her red, swollen eyes and damp cheeks.

Kathryn pulled away even further and looked at the picture on her night stand. Suddenly he understood completely.

"You're still in love with him." he said sitting up straight. "You can't live in the past for the rest of your life, Kathryn. He's in the alpha quadrant- 70 years away. I'm right here, and I'll love you until the day I die. You need to move past him."

She turned to him, an icy blue stare and tears gone. "Commander, I don't believe you have the authority to tell me what I do and do not need to do." she said evenly. "I'd appreciate it if you'd get out of my room. Right now."

Chakotay stood stiffly. "I may not have the authority as your inferior in the command hierarchy, but, like it or not I am your husband. And I know that if you don't make peace with being separated from Mark, then it will influence your behavior on the bridge. And then, unfortunately, I will have the authority. Good night, Captain." The door closed with a soft hiss behind him.

Janeway drew in a rigid breath. How dare he order her to make peace with being separated from Mark! He didn't know what it was like to be separated like this. He didn't have any family back home. If they were back in the Alpha Quadrant, he'd be a criminal. Under arrest and tossed in prison the moment they got back. No matter how much she wanted to see Mark, Janeway had to admit to herself that she didn't want to see her first officer tossed into some prison facility on Earth with the rest of the Maquis serving on her ship.

Chakotay flopped back onto the couch and tried to get comfortable. He knew exactly what she needed, and it was not to dwell on that Mark from her past. If only he could make her understand that. It was getting harder and harder for Chakotay to keep his distance from her, but somehow he'd do it. He turned over. This was impossible. How was he going to get to sleep with her on his mind? He must have been crazy for thinking he could. Quietly standing up he changed into some off duty clothes and left the captain's quarters.

Voyager's corridors were empty, which he was thankful for. Going to the lower decks Chakotay stepped off the turbolift and started running. He kept running through the corridors of the deck, in and out of cargo bays and shuttle bays, anywhere he could keep up speed. He would run until he could run no more. Gasping for breath he finally stopped and leaned against the paneled wall on Deck 2. He could go no more this time.

Finding the nearest turbolift the sweaty first officer took it back to his quarters. He needed a sonic shower now and didn't want to disturb the captain. So, for the first time in two weeks Chakotay spent the night in a bed, his bed.

~ * =/\= * ~

The next morning the captain woke and began getting ready for the day. She didn't hear any movement from the next room so she fully expected to find Chakotay sprawled out on her couch sound asleep. But that was not the case, the couch was empty, although he had left some clothes on the floor beside it. She folded the clothes and blanket and laid them on the end of the couch before moving to the mess hall.

Forty minutes later Captain Janeway sat in her chair on the bridge. Commander Chakotay was late. Twenty minutes late. She heard the turbolift doors open and turned to him. "In my ready room, Commander." she said allowing him to follow. After the doors closed she turned to him. "Why were you late? I had assumed you were up early since you were not in my quarters when I awoke. You should have been on the bridge before me at that rate."

Chakotay didn't meet her eyes. "I overslept." he answered.

Janeway's icy blue eyes narrowed. "Where did you oversleep?.....actually it's none of my business where you sleep. Just don't make it a habit of being tardy. If you start, then junior officers will begin to follow. And I will not have my crew showing up for duty when they please. Next time there will be consequences for you. Dismissed."

"In my quarters." he said fully meeting her glare.

"What?"

"I slept in my quarters." he answered before turning and walking out to sit in his command chair.

The captain sat at her desk. Why would he bother telling her where he slept if she had dismissed it? Didn't Chakotay realize she was against this whole marriage? He probably didn't want me to think he was cheating on our 'marriage', she finally decided pulling Mark's holo image up on her computer.

It was a different one than that which sat on her desk. This one had been taken at the rock quarries on Mars a few summers ago - just before her first posting as a commander. Mark's arm was around her waist and her hair teased the tip of his nose which was evident from the wide grin spread over across his visage. Kathryn's own face was lit up with laughter at something her unseen sister had said from behind the imager.

A tear threatened to spill onto her cheek again, but Kathryn quickly pulled herself together and closed the picture. Captain Janeway. She was the captain of this vessel and had to remember that.

~ * =/\= * ~

B'Elanna was just coming on duty when she walked through the doors of main engineering and chanced to hear two ensigns leaning over a console to swap the latest gossip.

"I'm telling you, I saw him with my own two eyes, Andrea. He was running himself to exhaustion down there."

"But why would he do that?"

"Maybe they had a fight." the ensign's green eyes glittered excitedly. Here was a bit of gossip for Sandrines.

"Then wouldn't he go to his quarters instead of running around the ship like a lunatic?"

"Who was running around the ship like a lunatic?" a third ensign came up behind Andrea and Jamie.

"Commander Chakotay." Andrea answered proud of her knowledge.

"Why?" Lucas asked.

"I think they got in a fight."

"What do you think the fight was about?" Lucas leaned in for more juicy gossip.

"Well, I heard that the captain was going to toss certain ensigns out of an airlock and take on a new crew who worked instead of gossiped."

The trio turned to see and angry B'Elanna standing feet slightly apart, arms folded across her chest, and her mouth drawn into a tight, thin line. "Now, quit this gossiping about your superiors and get back to work."

"Yes sir." the three mumbled scattering to different parts of engineering. B'Elanna frowned and stepped over to a console, a startled ensign backed away and let her senior officer look at the screen by herself. She'd just overheard the chief of engineering take those ensigns down a peg, and if the half klingon had any anger left, she didn't want to be the scapegoat for it.

B'Elanna growled when she noticed Ensign Andrea Wilner talking softly to another ensign. "Ensign Wilner!" she said sharply. "I have a job for you." Walking briskly she went and stood in front of a control panel. "I want for you to run a level three diagnostic on every isolinear chip in this panel." Andrea's eyes widened. It would take all day to do that. "I expect it done by then end of your shift. And the only way for that to be accomplished is for you to not talk and to just do the work." Torres handed her a tricorder and went to run some other maintenance diagnostics. The diagnostic would have to be done in a few weeks anyway, better now and early than later, Torres thought.

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway sat in her ready room with a padd to read and a late light lunch before her. She had been finding excuses to avoid the rest of the crew the past few days. It was safer, she felt, to not get close to any of them. Chakotay may be right, she needed to let go of Mark. But she wasn't quite ready. Yet, one way to help herself was to keep a distance between herself and her crew. By doing that she would never have to go through this again. When Kes had left the ship she had grieved for her. Even now she wasn't completely over losing the Ocampa she had some to think of as her friend, even as a daughter. Kes had been very young when she'd come on board, she had reached out to Kathryn for some of the guidance a mother provided. Kathryn remembered the tears she'd shed when Kes had announced her decision to leave Voyager. She couldn't remember having cried in front of a crew member like that before. Well, other than Chakotay. Yes, she still ached when she thought of Kes.

But then Seven had been there and in some ways like a child herself. Janeway vividly remembered having to inform Seven that until she felt Seven could make rational decisions herself, she would be the one making the decisions. Almost like taking care of another daughter, the captain thought wryly. After awhile Seven took it in stride. Once in awhile she even came to ask the captain about some of the things she encountered among the crew, like Harry's odd behavior towards her, Kathryn smiled at that remembrance.

Janeway stretched back and rubbed her temples. She had been leaning over the padd for an hour and still didn't know what it said. She gave up on lunch and put it back in the replicator. Then, settling on her couch she decided to finish the padd and force herself to pay attention to it. No more daydreaming. She hadn't gotten past the first line when she saw Mark's smile from across the room on her desk in the holopicture. Jumping up she slammed his picture down face first and settled back down to read.

A few hours later she had managed to work her way through what should have taken her only an hour to read. She stretched her arms and legs and back and then stared out at the stars for a minute. Stars so different from the ones Mark would look at tonight, she thought. Abruptly she turned away. She had to get her mind off of him right now.

The captain excited her ready room and took the seat Chakotay vacated when she appeared. Sitting down, she found her attention captured by the stars once again. This time though, the stars were on the view screen. A sad smile tugged on the edge of her mouth. One day they would all see the Alpha Quadrant's stars again.

"Class-M planet at bearing 2345.34" Harry announced.

Janeway barely glanced up. Mumbling something of an order, she continued to focus on the stars Mark would be seeing. Standing, she retreated to her ready room and didn't even notice her crew gaping after her open mouthed.

Chakotay stared after the captain. She had just ordered for Tuvok to fire on the planet! "Belay that order!" he barked turning a full 180º to face Tuvok.

"No need to worry, Commander." Tuvok replied.

"What do sensor scans show? Any life forms?" Chakotay was now in charge of this mission. And apparently a new mission he may have to take up with the doctor about the captain.

"No life forms, other than plants and small animals."

"Could we send an away team for supplies without endangering them?"

"Affirmative."

"Do it.. You have the bridge Mr. Tuvok and please assemble and away team to take down to the planet." Chakotay moved in determined strides to the captain's ready room.

"Come." Janeway answered the chime dreamily.

Chakotay waited until the door was shut firmly behind him. "Why did you order us to fire upon a planet?" he asked.

Her face jerked upward. "I what?! You must be mistaken Chakotay!"

"No Kathryn. The whole crew heard you." he sat down on her couch. "You weren't paying attention out there. You were lost in thought about Mark, weren't you?"

"Why do you say that?" she demanded.

"Because you were in here for hours doing what usually takes only an hour. You are refusing to eat with the crew, you've becoming a loner. And when you came out there I could tell that you had been thinking of him, your mind was light years away from Voyager."

"You have no proof." she retorted.

"Issuing an order to fire on a planet, Captain?" One eyebrow rose.

"Commander, in case you haven't noticed, there is no counselor on board. I don't need you to play one now."

Chakotay shook his head. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Playing counselor? Kathryn, you ordered us to fire on a planet! You need to get over Mark and get on with your life. If nothing else, for the safety of the crew."

"I don't need you to tell me what is best for my crew, Commander!" Kathryn stood ready for a fight she could feel coming on.

"Well, someone needs to tell you! And since you've kept yourself from all other crew members, you'll have to hear it from the first officer!" Chakotay was standing too. "Get a grip on reality Kathryn, or you're going to issue a real order, without thinking, in the middle of battle that will get us killed!" he exclaimed.

Her blue eyes blazed. "I think I am to judge whether I need to 'get a grip on reality'. And I've decided I am fine. I can make rational decisions on my own. And I can assure you that I would never make such an order."

"Then why did you order us to fire on a defenseless planet?" he demanded his voice raising.

"You must have imagined it!" she spat out slightly louder.

"Imagined it?!?!" he stared at her bewildered. "Me and the whole bridge crew???"

"This isn't about my stability as a captain!" she burst out. "It's about how I respond to you and why I'm still in love with Mark! Well, Chakotay, you have no right to do this to me! Let me save you the trouble and file for a divorce right now!" she let her left hand fly as it connected with the right side of his cheek.

Silence shattered the room as Chakotay stared at her in shock for a minute. "Kathryn, your relationship with me (or lack of, he thought) has nothing to do with why I came in here. You need to get over Mark for the safety of your crew." he turned his back to her, more afraid of saying something that would really hurt her than of getting another slapped cheek.

"Commander, you are relieved of the rest of your duties for today. I expect you to leave personal feelings off the bridge." as an after thought she added, "And please get all of your things out of my quarters."

Chakotay stepped out of her office wondering if the bridge officers could have heard their fight. No one needed to hear it to know what had happened. The tense look on Chakotay's face, Captain Janeway's angry glare, and a red hand print across his right cheek were enough to tell them what had happened. He calmly (on the outside) walked off the bridge and onto the turbolift.

~ * =/\= * ~

"Can you believe it?" Tom and B'Elanna were sitting at a bar in the Sandrines.

"What?" she asked.

"The captain and commander!" He hissed back.

"Oh yeah." she mumbled.

"Oh yeah?!? Our two senior officers get into a huge fight, one comes out and slaps the other, and you say 'oh yeah' You're crazy Torres!" he grinned at her.

"Crazy? I must be. I told you I loved you. But, if our captain and commander are having problems, it's between them...not the whole crew."

"You sound like you're talking to one of your ensigns now, Lieutenant." Tom said glancing over to where Harry was playing pool with a short blond.

"Maybe I feel like I am." she retorted.

Tom cocked a grin in her direction. "I take it you don't really want to talk about the captain and commander?"

"Gee, you catch on fast."

"Let's go for a walk," he stood and offered his arm in way of a sign of peace.

The couple strolled down to the side of the lake arm in arm. B'Elanna bent down and picked up a smooth stone from the pebbly beach. "One, two, three, four." she counted as she skipped it across the glassy smooth surface of the water.

"Not bad."

"I had a fair amount of time to practice." She replied with a slight scowl in her voice. "When I was little, kids in the colony didn't want to play with the half klingon girl."

"I'm sorry, B'Ela..."

"Don't be." She grasped another smooth stone. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. One, two, three, four, five. Right?"

"Right One, two, three, four,....five...six!" Tom counted his own. "Beat you." he said turning to her all smiles. "Do I get a prize for beating the mysterious half klingon?."

B'Elanna smiled as she wound her arms around his neck and met his lips. A moment later she pulled back.

"I need to get going, Tom. There's a stack of reports I need to write. And the deuterium tank was acting a little funny today."

"Wait. Just one more." he whispered pulling her back.

She hesitated longer this time before pulling away. "I really have to, Tom."

He nodded. "All right. See you later, B'Ela."

A hint of a smile crossed her Klingon features at the use of her nickname as she turned and left the holodeck. As a child she may have been an outsider, but at least on this new home they called Voyager she had Tom Paris.

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway stepped through the door of her quarters fully expecting to see her first officer reclining on her couch and snoring. However, it was empty. As was the table he'd claimed as. It hurt her a bit to see her quarters devoid of his personal items, but she quickly replicated a cup of hot coffee and sat down at her computer terminal to finish some work. Yet, her eyes kept straying from the screen to the couch.

You told him to get out, she reminded herself. You don't need him, you've got Mark. But trying as hard as she could, it was impossible for her to imagine getting back to the Alpha Quadrant and marrying Mark.

"Captain's personal log. Stardate 51453.4. New developments with Chakotay and I. I slapped him today. He angered me when he began questioning an action of mine. He thinks I'm dwelling on Mark still. I told him he wasn't bringing up Mark, he was talking about why I don't respond to him. We both got angry. And...-I slapped him. I still can't believe I did that. He's got every right to report me. An officer should never have to worry about his CO physically hurting him. But I did. And I know if it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have. But it was him. And he'll never forgive me for it..." It was a full minute before she realized she hadn't said anything, "End log."

Taking a deep breath, she called for the crewmembers official logs to be displayed. Pulling up her own, she did what should have been done immediately after she had slapped Chakotay. Writing the official reprimand, Kathryn also fined herself a week's worth of replicator rations. Leaning back, she authorized it and took a sip of the coffee.

Cold and bitter, she swallowed with difficulty before vacating her chair in favor of pacing the quarters. The picture of Mark and Molly was the first thing she saw when she stepped in her room. Picking it up she held it and continued her pacing.

Mark was in the Alpha Quadrant, taking care of her dogs. Chakotay was right here, her mind argued. But she loved Mark. Well, she loved Chakotay too. She had no future with Mark, at least not for another 70 years. Chakotay was right here. Glancing at the holopicture for a minute she hurled it against a wall where it shattered. He doesn't matter to me anymore, she realized. Breaking his picture didn't matter. What did matter was that her first officer was mad at her, and had every right to never speak to her again. How could she face him?

Lying down on the couch, Kathryn cried before falling into a fitful sleep plagued with nightmares.

~ * =/\= * ~

Chakotay was sitting on the floor in his quarters trying to communicate with his spirit guide. It was no use. He was still too upset about the fight. He'd never had a fight like that with the captain. Never had a superior slap him. He knew she wasn't prone to violence, so he wasn't worried about that happening again to him or another crew member. He kneeled and began putting the items back in his medicine bag before replacing the bundle into the drawer where they belonged.

Rolling over in bed Chakotay punched the pillow beside him. He wasn't going to get any sleep at this rate. She must be sleeping good though. He couldn't hear her moving around her room which was adjacent to his bedroom wall. Well good for her! He punched the pillow again, harder. Then picking it up he hurled it to the floor and rolled over trying to get comfortable. It wasn't working. Kicking off the covers Chakotay moved to stand in front of the window.

The stars twinkled and winked at him against their black velvet backdrop. Like diamonds. So beautiful, he thought. Just like Kathry- No! Stop it! He had to get some sleep..not sit here dreaming about his beautiful and distant wife. Climbing back into bed, Chakotay decided it was impossible to accomplish a good nights sleep.

~ * =/\= * ~

The next morning couldn't come fast enough for the captain. It had been an awful night for her. She'd been troubled with dreams and nightmares. Over and over she had dreamed of slapping her first officer and seeing his reaction. Moving to her bedroom she quickly showered and dressed. Breakfast was eaten alone in her quarters before going to the bridge.

He was already there, sitting in her chair as though he belonged in it. As soon as Chakotay felt her presence on the bridge he stood and moved to his own, acknowledging her with only a short nod and then looking quickly away.

Janeway sat in her chair stiffly. When she felt assured that everything was running normal, she escaped to her ready room. "You have the bridge, Commander." Not one of the crew members on the bridge failed to notice the tension level go down as the door closed.

"Captain's log, stardate 51454.2. Today has been uneventful so far. Neelix still doesn't like having the nanaprobes injection every day, but he is dealing with being brought back from the dead quite well. He is doing very good, although the odds seem to be against him on our ship. He's been infected with the phage, not to mention that episode with Tuvok and Tuvix, and now he's had to deal with being dead for 18 hours. I believe that Seven has enjoyed her little bit of fame as well, though she would never admit it. She just goes on about her business, but she is becoming more and more human every day. End log."

Janeway stood up and stretched. She didn't relish going back on the bridge and facing him again, but it would have to be done...eventually. Just not right now, Kathryn decided pulling up star charts on her console.

~ * =/\= * ~

Lonely hours turned into days, which turned into weeks. It had been three weeks since Kathryn had slapped and then ordered Chakotay to move out and they still weren't speaking. The rest of the crew had noticed that the usual banter that went on between them had fast disappeared and the few words exchanged while on duty were strained.

"If we get involved in this, she'll never forgive us." Harry exclaimed at Tom one evening in the Sandrines.

"Well someone needs to do something." B'Elanna stated. "Everyone is walking on eggshells, if I can use an old term, when we're around them."

"If they would just be forced to face each other." Harry nodded.

"B'Ela, just how hard is it to program a holodeck to lock your COs in?" Tom asked with a mischievous smile.

B'Elanna frowned. "Not hard at all, so long as you don't mind spending a lot of time scrubbing decks or sitting in the brig. It's very easy to trace."

"Can you make it hard to trace?"

"Hard yes, impossible to trace, no."

The three sat thinking some more, and were soon joined by Seven.

"Why are you staring at the wall?" she asked pointedly.

Harry turned to her. "We're trying to think of a way to get the captain and commander talking again."

"I've got it!" Tom jumped up. "We'll lock them in a turbolift together."

B'Elanna, Harry, and Seven stared at Tom eyes wide.

"Lame, Tom." B'Elanna propped her head in her hand. "Do you have any idea how many COs in the Maquis were locked in turbolifts together? Chakotay would know instantly."

"Where do you think I got the idea?"

"In theory, it does have potential." Seven interjected.

"But, how do you intend to get them in the same turbolift?" Harry demanded.

"And even if you could, how do we get them to stay?" B'Elanna added, the idea growing on her.

"Engineering will need to see both of them suddenly, and then you can shut down the turbolift." Tom was grinning like the cat who'd eaten the canary.

"Just shut it down like that?" B'Elanna asked. "At least on the Maquis ship there was always the chance that they'd gone down by accident. Seemed like something was always breaking."

"Can't you do it?"

"Of course I can." She snapped, annoyed that he would underestimate her knowledge. "We can just reroute the power to life support only in there. But you know we'll be tossed in the brig when we let them out."

"I'll take full responsibility." Tom said quickly. "After all, I've spent enough time in the brig when I hit Chakotay. I should be used to it."

The first opportunity the four had, they put their plan in action. It was later in the evening, Janeway and Chakotay were sitting on the bridge staring at the viewscreen, their data padds , the floor, anywhere but each other.

"Torres to the captain." came the voice over the comm system.

"Go ahead." Janeway looked up as though she could actually see B'Elanna standing in front of her.

"Captain, I need to have you come to engineering. There's something I think you need to see."

"On my way." Janeway stood only to glad for the interruption in her day.

"Oh, and Captain, bring the commander too. He'll need to see this as well."

"We'll be there shortly. Janeway out." the captain and commander stood and without looking at each other entered the turbolift.

"They're on." Tom whispered in his comm badge which was open with Seven's who was beside B'Elanna in engineering.

B'Elanna nodded to Seven who pulled the wires from the panel and quickly rerouted them.

"Computer, why did we stop?" Chakotay asked as the turbolift plunged into darkness only to be illuminated by the emergency red lights.

"Power has been cut to turbolift 2." came the steady voice.

"Where was it cut off from?" Janeway demanded.

"Engineering."

"Is there power on the rest of the ship?"

"Affirmative."

They looked at one another in the semi darkness for the first time. "Only the turbolift is affected?" Chakotay asked.

"Affirmative."

Janeway frowned. "Does this require an override to get power back to the turbolift?"

"Negative. Power must be returned manually."

"They certainly thought of everything." Chakotay said a slight smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah, but why would they do this? Some silly joke of Tom's?" Janeway leaned on the smooth paneled walls of the turbolift. "I'm going to have to speak with the engineers back at Headquarters about this red light. Could drive a person mad!"

"I think more than just Tom was involved in it." Chakotay said rubbing his jaw. "Starting with B'Elanna for instance."

"Well they can clean the sewage conduits together then." Janeway slid down the panel until she was sitting. "What do we do? Just sit here until they decide to let us out?" Her gaze rested on Chakotay for a minute who was standing above her. She could just barely make out his features in the darkness. Then it slipped over his head to the emergency hatch on the ceiling. Grinning she jumped up. "Give me a boost Commander."

He lifted her up trying to ignore how wonderful it was to hold her, and failing miserably. "Locked." she muttered. "Put me down."

Relieved she hadn't noticed, he set her down gently and then leaned against the wall to watch his captain/wife as she pondered their position.

"What are you grinning at?" Kathryn demanded placing her hands on her hips in an act of raising her emotional shields.

His grin only widened. "You." he said. "I think it's quite obvious why we're here, but you refuse to admit it."

One eyebrow rose. "Which is?"

"Some senior officers have noticed our behavior towards each other as of late. They're trying to force us into talking."

"That's nonsense. I haven't avoided you." She didn't look him in the eye.

"Really Captain? Then why don't you eat dinner with me? Why do you run to your ready room whenever I'm on the bridge?" Chakotay could have gone for awhile with the list but he stopped when she lifted a hand.

"I still don't see that as a legitimate reason for them to lock their superior officers in here." She sat down on the floor again.

He joined her, but sat against the wall opposite her, barely able to see her face. "The crew wants to see a captain and commander who are friends. B'Elanna told me there has been a little bit of trouble in engineering with Maquis and Starfleet personal clashing. Not arguments or anything like that!" he assured her when a startled look crossed her face "Just tension. They want to know that their two commanding officers are trusting each other, are still friends, so they can trust each other too."

"It seems that the crew would like us to be more than friends." Janeway stated wryly without meeting his eyes. If she saw what she knew was in his eyes.....

"It would seem that way." he agreed gazing at her face. It's what I want, he thought.

"Well it's not going to happen." she stated. "The crew can forget about it. If you and I got involved romantically and it didn't work out between us, then the same thing would happen and we'd be not speaking and avoiding each other." she met his eyes and was shocked to see the love clearly written across his face.

"Do you really think that would happen?" he asked sliding over to lean against the same wall she. If she looked like she was going to bolt, he'd stop.

"No." she whispered as if in a daze. Shaking herself she drew in a ragged breath. "I mean, I don't know. Anything is possible. What if-" he put a finger over her lips to silence her.

"Are we going to be plagued forever by the whatifs?"

Wide blue eyes stared at him. Then he did pull her into his embrace. She was stiff at first, but as he rubbed her back and hair she began to relax. Slowly her arms encircled his waist and returned the hug.

"Just promise me one thing Chakotay." she whispered against his chest.

"Anything Kay."

She smiled at the nickname before continuing. "Promise me that we'll take this slow, get used to it, to each other. I don't want to jump into anything that could destroy our working relationship out here."

"You have my promise on that."

The turbolift lurched suddenly throwing them closer to each other. His head began to lower to meet her lips. But they never reached her, lights blinked for a few seconds and the turbolift resumed its course to engineering.

"They certainly have perfect timing." Chakotay grumbled. Both untangled themselves and stood smoothing their uniforms as the doors slid open.

"Yes, B'Elanna. What was it we needed to see?" Janeway asked not missing Seven kneeling beside a panel which accessed ship's power.

A hint of a smile played around the corners of her mouth. "I think everything's all right now captain. Sorry to inconvenience you."

"I'll bet you are." Janeway grumbled low in her throat at B'Elanna's smile once they were safe in the turbolift on their way back to the bridge.

"An old Maquis trick, but you have to admit it was clever of them." Chakotay took a step closer to her.

"Schedule them all to help Neelix next week." Janeway murmured stepping closer.

He grinned. "Yes captain." he whispered softly meeting her lips.

She allowed the kiss for a moment, then placed a hand on his chest and gently pushed away. "No, Chakotay." she whispered looking at his chest, her voice full of regret.

"Kathryn?"

"I want to take this slow...friendship first. Then maybe we can move to romance."

He nodded, disappointed, yet accepting her wishes, but then pulled her forward, tilted her chin down, and gently kissed her brow. "Dinner tonight?"

She nodded quickly.

Abruptly, they felt the turbolift stop. Springing back from one another they turned as the doors opened to reveal the bridge crew watching for them expectantly.

Janeway looked around the bridge coldly causing every eye to turn back to what they had been doing. Striding to her chair she motioned for Chakotay to sit. "I'll be in my ready room, you have the bridge, Commander." The door closed behind her as she slipped in.

~ * =/\= * ~

That evening both were dressed in civilian clothes, Janeway in a cream colored dress with her hair down around her shoulders and Chakotay in black pants with a dark forest green shirt. His eyes lit up at the site of her hair down. Resisting the urge to run his fingers through it, he settled for pulling out the chair across from his own in his quarters.

"Thank you." Janeway said softly.

"Dinner is served." he announced grandly setting a plate in front of her.

Conversation centered mostly around current events on the ship. Janeway was a little nervous about getting too personal, and Chakotay didn't want to press her. The evening was pleasant, but a little too formal for Chakotay over the dinner table.

"Would you like some coffee?" he asked after the meal, already moving to the replicator knowing her answer. He was not disappointed with her reaction.

After taking away her own replicator rations, a cup of coffee was a chance not to be missed. Her eyes lit up with a great smile. "Of course."

They took their coffee and sat on the couch beside the window gazing at the stars.

"They're beautiful aren't they?" Janeway said taking a sip and looking out the window. Turning she noticed that his eyes weren't watching the stars, just her. She blushed a light shade of red and pulled her eyes away from his.

"They are." He replied with a slight smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Knowing he wasn't talking about the stars, she stood quickly. "I really need to be going. I've, -uh, got a few more crew reports to read tonight."

Chakotay nodded, saddened she was leaving, but fully understanding why she was. "Ok, I'll see you on the bridge tomorrow.....or for breakfast?"

She smiled. "Breakfast in the mess hall."

He followed her to the door. Before she was close enough to the door for it to open his hand shot out and caught her elbow gently pulling her to him. Chakotay held her in a tight hug, then silently let her go as she slipped out into the corridor.

A soft smile played over Kathryn's features as she walked the short distance to her own quarters. No matter what Chakotay wanted, he was willing to sacrifice for her. She didn't want the romance now, and he wouldn't push her.

~ * =/\= * ~

Once again they slipped into a routine. Breakfast was eaten together in the mess hall, then they continued to the bridge for their duty shifts. Even though Janeway spent time in her ready room, the crew didn't feel as though she was trying to escape her first officer.

When they were on the bridge together the crew noticed smiles being exchanged between the two, even Janeway occasionally laying her hand on Chakotay's arm to get his attention or make a point. What she didn't realize, but the rest of the senior officers immediately observed, was that her hand was only distracting her first officer.

After duty was over, the two ate dinner together. Sometimes in the mess hall, sometimes in one of their quarters, and sometimes in the holodeck. Off duty hours were spent in the holodeck or one of their quarters. Even in the evening when they were catching up on work they were often together, reading their separate reports, but still sitting in the same room. It didn't go unnoticed by most of the crew that the captain and commander were spending more time together and the crew heartily approved

"Hmm?"

"Neelix's party." Chakotay repeated from the other side of the turbolift. "Will you go with me?"

"I suppose I will have to make an appearance.." Kathryn's brow furrowed as she smiled wryly at her first officer.

"Don't sound too excited." Chakotay cautioned. "Someone may actually think you enjoy these parties."

She laughed at him, but laid a hand on his chest. "I'll be glad to accompany you."

Neelix was having another party to honor Prixen -- the day his people set aside to remember their family. The crew enjoyed the time away from duties and, truth be told, so did Janeway. She didn't get to socialize with the crew too much, this would be a good opportunity.

Together they stepped off the turbolift and onto the bridge.

"Captain, a class-M planet is showing on our sensors."

"Life signs?" she asked knowing Chakotay was smiling at her thinking of the last time they'd encountered a class-M planet.

"Negative other than plants and small animals. But there is an area our scanners can't read."

"Why?"

Harry was furiously trying to compensate for it and possibly get some readings. "There appears to be some mineral deposits that are blocking our scanners."

Chakotay touched her back lightly. "Neelix told me he's in need of more food supplies." he said in a low voice.

She nodded. "Assemble an away team. But I want for you to take every precaution. Don't go anywhere our transporter can't get you out. We don't know what's in that area."

"Captain's log. Stardate 51466.4. We're orbiting a non-inhabited class-M planet right now. Commander Chakotay is assembling an away team to collect some food and mineral supplies which we are in desperate need of again."

Janeway slowly rose from her desk and took a minute to massage the knots at the base of her neck. She should run down to the transporter rooms and give everything a once over before they left.

When Kathryn got there, Chakotay stood ready with a small Starfleet issue backpack strapped to his back, as did Tuvok and Neelix. A few ensigns and lieutenants were also waiting with security guards to beam down.

"Instructions, Captain?" Chakotay asked, a smile etched over his features causing his tattoo to wrinkle. They'd been through this a hundred times, but Janeway sometimes acted like it was the first.

"Not really. This seems to be pretty routine. Just be careful of those spots where Harry couldn't scan. Are you sure there's not anything there?"

"Not positive, but it seems unlikely." Chakotay shifted his weight from one foot to another. "It looks like just mineral deposits that are interfering with our scans."

"Keep a lock on the away team the entire time they're on the surface." Janeway instructed the ensign behind transporter controls as they stepped onto the transporter pad. "Energize."

Her eyes locked with Chakotay's. Reading the love in his eyes, she returned some of it in her own before the blue beam caught him.

"Paris to Janeway." Janeway's comm badge beeped.

"Go ahead."

"We need you on the bridge, Captain."

Janeway hid a sigh. "On my way." She grabbed one last piece of fruit from her plate before leaving the mess hall.

Stepping off the turbolift she looked around to the remaining senior officers and juniors. "Report."

Harry turned to face her directly. "We've lost our lock on the away team. They went into a patch where we can't scan."

"Have you tried hailing them?"

"Failed. Their comm links are only bringing in static."

"How long have they been in there?" she asked moving to the center of the bridge..

"About ten minutes. We thought that they would realize what was happening within the first few minutes and would go back."

"Then all we do for now is wait." She moved to sit in her chair trying to contain some of her nervousness under the serene captain mask.

"Wait ,Captain." Harry was leaning over his panel. "I've got some of them."

"Open a channel." She shifted in her seat nervously. If something happened to Chakotay.......

"Janeway to away team."

"Tuvok here, Captain."

She started to say something, but for the first time in his Vulcan life he interrupted her.

"Captain, we would appreciate it if we could continue this discussion on Voyager. Seven to beam up."

She raised a very surprised eyebrow. "Energize."

Within a few minutes Tuvok had reported to the bridge. "Captain, I apologize for the interruption. We encountered something we did not expect while on the planet. There appears to be a small colony of natives living here. Our scans did not show them because they are shielded by the mineral deposits. They attacked us, and although we escaped, the commander was injured during a fall. He could not go on and gave us a direct order to keep going. At the moment he is hiding in a small cave, perceivably safe. But I would suggest a shuttle to rescue him because he is unable to walk."

Janeway's lips drew into a tight line as her stomach flipped over. Then, grasping for control, she tapped her comm badge. "Janeway to Shuttlebay One. Prepare a shuttle to undock."

"Aye. Captain."

She turned to the turbolift. "You have the bridge Tuvok. I'm going down there myself."

"Captain, that is a highly dangerous course of action. You should allow another crew member to go down instead of yourself." Tuvok contradicted. Janeway eyed him for a moment and he thought she may actually give in.

"Stuff it, Tuvok."

'Then again, maybe not.' Tuvok thought to himself.

"Deck thirteen." She ordered backing into the turbolift.

A daring hand suddenly shot out to hold the doors. "Captain, I'm the best pilot on this ship. I also have training in sick bay. Let me to go with you. If Chakotay needs a doctor, maybe I can help. Or if we need to get out of there fast, I can fly."

She nodded quickly, in no mood to fight and knowing this would help ease Tuvok's conscience. Tom stepped in and said nothing as they rushed to the shuttle bay.

As Janeway stepped off shuttle onto the planet she had yet to say anything to Tom. He shrugged, figuring she was worried. Collecting a few essentials he followed her. "Tuvok said he was in a cave..." he trailed off not sure what to say.

She nodded and then took a few steps forward. "Scans show a cave about half a kilometer from here." she reported looking down at the tricorder which was able to scan through the interference because it was on the planet.

"Let's go."

Janeway led the way following her tricorder with Tom looking out behind, hand on a phaser ready for action.

"You know, this planet really is quite pretty." Tom said pushing a dark green vine with huge pink blossoms out of his way as they traipsed through the lush vegetation.

"The most beautiful things can prove to be fatal." Janeway said tightly pushing forward with thoughts only of finding Chakotay.

"Yeah..." Tom muttered. He wanted to laugh at her statement though. It reminded him of how Chakotay had been caught by her and was doing his best to win her love.

"Wait." Janeway stopped in the middle of the path to stare at her tricorder causing Tom to bump into her from behind.

"Sorry, Captain."

"Over here." she said ignoring his apology. "I'm reading one life form.....faint though." Her eyes lit up at the site of a small cave going down into the side of a hill. "I'm going in there. You stay out here and keep watch."

Tom tried to protest about the dangers but she just pushed past him. Grumbling he squat down to the ground, phaser drawn.

The steps the stones made naturally were very steep and slippery. A number of times she had to grab hold of the wall in order to keep her balance. Alighting, off the last step she nearly tripped over something. Gasping, she knelt at Chakotay's still form.

"Chakotay." The whisper came out despite her sharp intake of breath as she placed a hand against his chilled face. Tears immediately sprang to her eyes and she let her head drop down to rest on his shoulder. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't! She couldn't lose him. Not now. Not before he knew she truly loved him. Yes, she admitted to herself, she loved him. She'd been keeping him away for days, weeks even, but she loved him. He couldn't leave her before he knew! He just couldn't!

"Janeway, get hold of yourself." she whispered aloud. Pulling back she ran her tricorder over him. A mild concussion was the only major injury besides the cuts and bruises. Still, she wanted to hurry.

"Tom!"

"Yeah?" his sandy blond hair poked through the opening.

"I need for you to come down very carefully and help me bring the commander back up."

Working together, and struggling under the weight of Chakotay's dead-weight body, they managed to get him out of the cave and back to the shuttlecraft.

Tom ran a tricorder over him as soon as they were to safety. "Concussion. Probably fell down the steps." he diagnosed. "But I think it's a mild one." He added seeing terrified look on Janeway's face.

She knelt by Chakotay, holding one of his hands, as Tom took the controls to fly them back.

"He needs to get to sick bay fast." Tom said.

Janeway understood and made contact with Voyager. "Emergency transport. Two to beam up directly to sickbay."

As soon as they had cleared the planet, Tom watched as the captain and commander disappeared into the blue transporter beam.

In sickbay the doctor hurried over to where the commander laid on a biobed.

"Concussion and a broken ankle." he announced reading his scans. "Ensign, a hypospray with 15 cc of hydrocotiene."

He applied the instrument to Chakotay's neck. Almost instantly the drug took affect and the doctor nodded, pleased with the effect.

Then he turned his attention to the broken bone. It was mended quickly and efficiently like a hologram was programmed to do.

"It will be a minute before he regains conscience, but he should be fine, other than an awful headache. It appears he hit his head quite hard."

Kathryn nodded, still holding the commander's hand in a grip. Slowly she felt the hand begin to return the hold.

Chakotay's eyelids fluttered open. Everything was fuzzy around him. A small hand held his own, though. A hand he recognized. Moving his eyes to the shadow above him, Kathryn's face focused despite the blur around her.

"Kathryn." He gave her a painful smile.

She smiled nervously at him. "I'm here, Chakotay."

Knowing she must have been terrified for him for some reason, he tried to sit up. She placed a hand on his chest firmly pressing him back down.

"Kathryn." now he frowned disapproving. "Let me sit. I'm fine."

She allowed him up, but continued to keep her arm around his back supporting him.

"The rest of the team?" he inquired weakly, the fog having not left him completely.

"They made it back safely. Tuvok told me what happened and I went down for you."

His eyes were wide and he stared at her. "You went down to the planet? You risked your life? Kathryn, you could have been hurt, I could have not made it. Then what would have happened to the crew?"

"They'd all get promotions." She smarted back. "What happened on the planet?"

He frowned for a minute trying to recall exactly what did happen. "We were being chased by some humanoids we failed to detect on the scanners. I believe they were hidden in the area we couldn't scan. Tuvok and Neelix and the others were ahead of me when I tripped. A silly mistake really, there was a vine lying in the way and I just didn't see it. I told them to go ahead without me, they wouldn't so I had to give them a direct order to leave me. Then I found the cave and tried to get down the steps, but they were so slippery and I only had one good leg, so I fell. That's the last I remember."

"We found you at the bottom of the steps." Janeway told him, her stomach knotting at the remembrance of his broken body lying there. "But it seems you'll be fine."

"Sorry to disappoint you." He grinned at her weakly.

"Don't get smart with me."

Chakotay opened his mouth to give a retort, but the doctor appeared at their side.

"I'll be in my ready room ,Commander."

"And I'll be back on the bridge shortly." He called after her as she turned to leave.

"Ahem...I want for you to take the rest of today off." the doctor stated reading the tricorder. "Doctor's orders."

Janeway smothered the grin she wanted to display and turned her back on both men.

"I'll be by to pick you up at 1800, Captain."

Janeway turned and cocked an eyebrow at him. "Are you sure you're up to a party?"

"Defiantly."

Kathryn couldn't stop the twinkle that lit up her eyes. One of these days....she would tell Chakotay how much it hurt to think he may not know she loved him.

Chakotay watched as the doors closed to sickbay. Could it be possible? Did she really care so much that she had risked her life for him? Maybe it wasn't hopeless. With a start, he realized the doctor was talking to him.

"What?"

The doctor sighed. "Like I was saying. You are physically fine. But, you and the captain appear to both be suffering from another condition."

"What?" Chakotay asked, a sinking feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

"Cupid's arrow."

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway stood in her quarters surveying herself in her mirror. She had contemplated changing from her uniform, but felt more comfortable to leave it on this time. Especially since she knew most of the crew would be just getting off shifts and coming in their uniforms. Her hair was pulled back in a clip instead of in the customary bun, which was mostly for Chakotay. The door chime in the next room announced his arrival. Running her brush down the ponytail one last time, she moved to the door.

Chakotay stepped in, also still in uniform, "Ready?"

"Of course. Just an informal party, right?" she nervously brushed aside a wisp of hair. This would be their first real appearance as a couple for the rest of the ship to see. Senior officers had noticed they were spending more time together. So had officers who saw them eating in the mess hall together, or leaving the holodeck together. But somehow with the majority of the crew attending this function the captain and commander both knew rumors would be flying faster than warp 9.975.

Offering his arm, Janeway took it with a laugh and they exited her quarters together.

Upon their entry B'Elanna and Tom broke off their conversation with the Delaney sisters. "Hello Captain, Commander." They greeted the other couple, grateful for the chance to escape Jenny and her prying eyes.

Kathryn smiled warmly back as Chakotay's fingers found hers still caught on his arm. "Hello. Having a good time?"

B'Elanna nodded as Tom complained softly about Neelix's attempt at pizza.

"Can't have everything, Helm Boy." B'Elanna retorted as they sat down to a large table.

"I can try." He smarted back.

"Oh! Mr. Paris. You're going to love this!" Neelix suddenly appeared at their elbows and was spooning out the contents of a big bowl before anyone could argue. "Try some of this! It's my mother's favorite recipe for boliun e'spoasn."

Everyone eyed the green goo that was splattered on the plate before them. Neelix returned with a tray of glasses filled with a bubbling dark pink/red liquid.

"A traditional Talaxian beverage." he said holding up a glass and taking a sip himself. "My father used to buy the buo'bua fruit every Prixen. We'd spend days preparing the juices for the beverage."

Janeway nervously picked up her glass and took a sip. With surprise, she pulled back and eyed the liquid. "This is good."

Around the table eyebrows rose. Paris quickly picked up his own drink.

"This is quite good." B'Elanna said trying to mask her surprise.

Beginning to nibble on their dinner the crew talked and teased the others in the group. Tuvok suffered the most as Tom shared some of his stories. At one point, Janeway looked up and saw Seven sitting across the room at a table by herself.

Excusing herself she made her way to the table.

"Enjoying yourself?" she asked taking a seat across from the former Borg.

"No. I find this activity utterly unproductive."

"You should try to socialize a bit more."

Seven eyed the captain for a minute. "The last time I attended one of Neelix's parties you told me to socialize, make small talk. I attempted to do so. However, Ensign Wildman was uncomfortable with the contribution I made to her conversation about her daughter out growing her clothing."

"What did you say?" Janeway wondered.

"The Borg use maturation chambers and I suggested she may wish to consider one."

"Yes, the first time you may have made a mistake." the captain said gently trying not to laugh. "But you can't give up from one experience."

"Like Ensign Kim?" she asked.

"Harry?" Janeway was confused when Harry had entered the picture.

"Yes. He is eager to make conversation with me, even though he continually makes a 'bad mistake'."

The captain tried to hide a laugh with her hand. "Yes, then you need to be like Harry. Be determined to find some friends and a place on this ship."

"You are amused captain. Why?"

"It's nothing Seven." she assured the younger woman. When Seven frowned Janeway knew she thought she'd made another mistake. "I was surprised of Harry's behavior towards you."

Seven raised an eyebrow in question.

"He's interested in you." Janeway said bluntly.

v"Oh."

"Try to be a little understanding to him." Janeway advised.

She nodded. "Yes, Captain."

~ * =/\= * ~

After the party began to wind down, Janeway found herself alone in her quarters trying to read an engineering report. Dropping the padd in her lap, she pressed her fingers against her temples in hopes of ridding herself of the darn headache that was fogging her brain. With a soft moan, she kicked the padd to the floor and stretched out on her sofa, one arm thrown over her eyes to block the starlight.

She didn't want to be here. She felt alone. So very alone. "Mark.." she whispered through the darkened room. Where was he? Was he waiting for her? Even if he did, could she ever go back to him? Did she even want to? Or....was there someone else in her life now? Her husband, perhaps.

Daring to open her eyes, Janeway found that the starfield behind the glass window was swimming before her eyes. It wasn't real, she reminded herself. They were traveling at warp seven. She should see streaks of white, not fuzz.

For not the first time since they'd been thrown to the Delta Quadrant, Kathryn wished someone was there to hold her. Someone who would love her as Kathryn, not as the Captain.

Tuvok. A laugh tickled at the back of her throat at the thought. Her oldest and dearest friend on Voyager was not one to comfort another friend with a hug. It would be more likely that he would offer a logical course of action even though she just needed someone to talk to.

Yes, she admitted to herself as she tried to turn over on the narrow couch, she needed someone to talk to. Dare she do it? Well, she certainly wasn't getting any work done here. Whatever had caused that headache seemed to be affecting her vision as well.

Grasping the edge of the sofa, Kathryn attempted to pull herself up, but ended up sprawled on the floor. Standing carefully, she made her way slowly to the door and even more slowly down the hall. At his door, she didn't bother ringing the chime, but overrode it.

"Who's there?" the voice broke the silence inside his quarters like a shot gun on a still night.

"Me." Kathryn grunted allowing the door to close behind her. She could barely make out Chakotay's form spread out on the couch.

"What can I do for you?" he asked softly, a dull mantra beating between his ears. "Just don't ask for lights or me to read anything."

"You too?" concern instantly leapt to Janeway mind. What if her whole crew was lying around sick as dogs?

"Too?"

"I'm seeing fuzz...and my head won't stop pounding!"

"Sounds familiar. Don't raise your voice."

"Sorry. What if the crew's got it?"

"I'm not moving. We'll find out in the morning."

Kathryn dropped to her knees and crawled over to his sofa. Laying her head on Chakotay's shoulder, she winced as he jumped.

"You okay, Kat?"

"I could be better if you would hold still."

Chakotay opened his eyes and turned towards her. Tears reflected by the starlight shone in her eyes. "What's wrong?"

Kathryn turned her face towards his hand as it stroked her hair. "I'm alone...I don't know who to turn to. Justin and daddy died...Mark is gone...." She whispered not meeting his eyes. "I'm truly alone."

"Not as long as you have me." Chakotay unsnapped the barrette out and allowed himself to enjoy the feel of the soft tresses falling through his hands. "Kat, I'll always be here for you. Until I draw my last breath."

"I...I know." There was a catch in her voice as she allowed him to pull her closer.

~ * =/\= * ~

She awoke with the dull throb still beating in her head. Someone's arm was wrapped around her small frame and she was using his shoulder as a pillow. A soft breath fell on her hair and she realized someone had his fingers entangled in the locks. With a start, she awoke fully and sat up, eyes wide.

At the commotion, Chakotay forced himself back to full consciousness. "Kathryn?" he murmured still half asleep.

"Oh..oh..I've got to get out of here." She cried escaping the bed and grabbing her uniform.

He was awake now. "Why? And don't give me that 'what will the crew think?' answer. We're married."

She stood grabbing his hairbrush to use it quickly and speaking even more rapidly. "I don't want this relationship to move to fast. I do love you Chakotay, but I want to make sure this is going to work before we get in too far and can't back out."

"You love me" His voice was a soft whisper in wonder. He had hoped...even suspected. But, he had never expected to hear her say it so soon.

Her dark blue eyes jerked to lock with his warm brown ones. Slowly, she returned to the edge of the bed and gingerly sat down. "Yes, Chakotay. I love you."

"Kathryn, I...I was beginning to wonder...." His eyes traced the contours of her face as he brought a hand to caress her jaw. "I love you too."

For a moment, she allowed the gentle kiss, but then pulled away.

"Goodnight Chakotay."

And she was gone.

~ * =/\= * ~

The next morning Janeway noticed that more than a few crewmembers looked a little fuzzy. She decided to pay a visit to Neelix to see if he had had anything to do with it.

"It was just the Talaxian beverage." he assured her. "It has no affect on Talaxians. Although, I have to admit that if it did have the same effect as a delayed alcohol reaction on humans and Klingons that would explain some things."

Janeway raised her eyebrow. "Such as?"

Neelix answered hesitantly. "Lt. Paris was complaining of a, I think he said 'hangover' this morning, Lt. Torres looked absolutely miserable and said she had a splitting headache. Lt. Willims didn't even make it back to her quarters, I found her slumped over a table when I came in this morning. And I heard there was a brawl in-"

She raised a hand cutting him off. Tuvok would have his hands full with that last one. "I get the idea. I want for you to let the science labs run some tests on any new drinks you introduce to the crew from now on."

He nodded, saddened. "Yes captain. But, I want you to know I had no intention-"

"I know Neelix." Janeway chuckled. "Let's just see if we can keep the crew from getting drunk at your next party."

~ * =/\= * ~

Chakotay looked up as the captain entered the bridge. Quickly he vacated her chair with a smile in her direction. She barely nodded as she took her seat. 'Back to being cold distant friends' he thought to sadly to himself. He turned to look at her. Remembering how soft her hair had been as he had run his hands through it and had felt it on his face, he suppressed a groan. Would he ever get the chance to hold her like that again? Or would she continue to build up a wall between them?

Janeway felt her XO's stare and turned to meet his eyes. Chakotay instantly snapped his view to his data padd in his hand as he realized he'd been caught staring. She hid a smile wishing they could be more than they were right now. But she had to keep up the appearance of a captain. Cool, distant, aloof. She had to be all if she wanted to have the crew respect her and not question her decisions. It was more than just the desire to protect the crew though. She had lost Mark, she didn't know she'd do if she allowed herself to get closer to Chakotay and lost him too. She almost had in the cave, but the doctor had been able to save him. What if he hadn't? And she had lost him. She'd have been unable to go on as a captain.

Chakotay was trying to concentrate on the data padd before him. But the gaze the captain had on him was driving him mad with distraction. He looked up to meet her stare. Janeway blushed when she realized she'd been caught staring too. Both quickly looked away from the other and turned to the work they had before them.

The chief of security didn't miss a single look that passed between the two from his station at tactical. He frowned wondering what they were thinking, wishing he knew. It was his business to see that the ship ran smoothly, and if the captain and first officer were distracting each other so they couldn't do their jobs properly, then it was his business to know. Maybe he would have a talk with the captain.

~ * =/\= * ~

It had been over two months since Neelix's little party, the captain and commander were getting along pretty well. He was never allowed to hug her in public, but he wouldn't have expected that. In their quarters she did allow him to kiss her goodnight before they left, both were grateful for that because not realizing it, they longed for the bit of human contact neither received from anywhere on the ship.

~ * =/\= * ~

Chakotay leaned back in his chair on the holodeck. Tom's Sandrine program was running and it was filled with officers off duty. Janeway had once again mopped the floor with Tom over by the pool table. Chakotay never grew tired of watching her beat the pants off the hotshot pilot. Of course, it could have something to do with the fact that Tom wasn't on his list of favorite people ever since he'd thrown that punch at the first officer so he could land himself in the brig, but Chakotay knew a large part of him just enjoyed watching the captain have fun.

Janeway meandered over to where her first officer sat leisurely drinking a cool pink liquid.

"Enjoying yourself, Commander?"

"Yes I am....Captain." he grinned at her.

She couldn't resist the smile back at his dimples. They were still spending time together, although they didn't spend quite as much off duty time alone as they had a couple months ago, before the party.

A slow dancing song came on causing both to turn their eyes from each other and towards the floor. They watched silently as couple began drifting to the floor. Tom and B'Elanna being the first.

Chakotay turned to her. "Dance?" he asked, hoping against hope that she would say yes.

She pondered the thought for a minute, then shook her head. "No Chakotay. Rumors are still flying from the last party. I don't want to feed the rumor mill anymore than we have."

He frowned. "Kathryn, the crew doesn't care. In fact, from what I've heard, they want us to get together. When will you accept that you can't spend the next 70 years alone?"

"You once told me you would wait for however long I needed you to. So why do you keep pressing me?" she hissed softly at him.

He closed his eyes. "I'm not pressing you for a physical relationship, Kathryn. What I am pressing you for is a close relationship between two people who care about each other. You need to have someone you can trust with everything, someone to lean on when you're down. You asked that of me a few months ago. I know you weren't thinking clearly because of Neelix's little Talaxian beverage, but I think that was one of your most honest moments with yourself. Right now you still trust me for some things, more than any other crew member I believe, but you're pulling away again. If something non-professional was bothering you, I seriously doubt you'd come to me." Knowing he was treading on turbulent waters, he covered her hand with his own. "Kathryn, let me be the friend you asked for. Let me be the friend you don't have to be strong for."

Jerking her hand out of his grasp, she stood quickly. "That will be then end of that conversation Commander." she emphasized his rank before turning on her heel and stalking out of the holodeck.

Chakotay watched her go. Mentally he kicked himself for what he had just said, but it had been true. Well fine. If she didn't want him to be a close friend, then he wouldn't. He would pull back as far as he could, and maybe, just maybe, his heart would heal. He pushed back from the table and followed her path through the door, with no intent on seeing her until the next day.

~ * =/\= * ~

Kathryn was in her quarters half expecting Chakotay to come after her. An hour had passed. She was clad in her peach satin nightgown and matching robe sitting in front of her computer trying to catch up on some work. Slowly another hour passed. Finally, realizing he was not going to come, she sadly went to bed.

The next morning she woke with an awful feeling in her stomach. This was the third morning in a row she had woken up feeling sick. Just like the other mornings she barely made it to the wastebasket before she vomited.

Groaning she washed her face and got dressed for her duty shift. Skipping breakfast, she made her way to the bridge and was only ten minutes late.

Chakotay looked her over, concerned. Kathryn was pale and looked dead tired. "Are you feeling well, Kathryn?" he asked her very softly so only she could hear.

She glared at him. "I'm fine." Hunching over in her seat and staring at the floor she missed the looks exchanged around the bridge.

"Captain, long range scanners are detecting a class N planet about 5 light years from here." Harry said from his post about ten minutes later.

She tore her gaze from the floor for the first time since sitting down. "Continue on towards home." then as an afterthought, "I'll be in my readyroom." Maybe she could lie down on the couch. But as she stood the bridge began to swirl around her. She let out a moan and saw the deck came rushing up to greet her. At the last minute Chakotay caught her in his arms.

Janeway clutched the front of Chakotay's uniform ignoring the looks she was getting as she held on to him. "On second thought, I think I'll go to sick bay." Slowly she pushed away and started for the turbolift.

"B'Elanna, go with her." Chakotay ordered.

"Commander, I can make it to sick bay on my own." with that she stepped in the turbolift and allowed the doors to close before closing her eyes and leaning heavily on the panel. When she stepped out of the turbolift onto deck 11, she had barely taken three steps before the dizziness came back and she felt the floor's rough carpet against her cheek.

~ * =/\= * ~

Lt. Jaanks was just rounding the corner of the corridor when he saw his captain fall onto the deck. Rushing forward he knelt down and shook her gently. When she failed to respond he lifted her up and carried her the few remaining steps to sick bay.

The doctor looked up as Lt. Jaanks briskly walked in and laid the captain on a biobed. "What happened?" he demanded.

"I don't know sir. I was walking down the corridor when I saw her faint. She wouldn't wake up, so I brought her here."

The doctor was running his tricorder over her and raising his eyebrows. "Thank you Lieutenant. You are free to return to your duties."

He nodded and left sickbay, concerned, but knowing the doctor would take care of her. He quickly resumed his course to his science lab, already late for duty.

~ * =/\= * ~

The doctor pressed a hypospray to Janeway's neck to revive her.

Slowly, she opened her eyes against the harsh lights of sickbay. "How did I get here?"

"You fainted just outside of the turbolift. Lt. Jaanks carried you in."

"Oh..." she sat up slowly. "I've not been feeling well. I was just on the bridge when I got really dizzy and decided maybe I should come down here. I probably just picked up some virus on one of the planets or something."

The doctor raised his eyebrows with a grimace. "It's likely to last more than the usual course of a virus."

"How long?" Janeway asked, a death glare emitting from her eyes. "A captain can't afford to feel like this all the time."

"It'll all be over in about seven months." The Doctor told her.

"Seven...."

"You're pregnant, Captain."

Janeway's eyes bulged in shocked and she grabbed for the sides of the biobed as sickbay began to swirl around her. "Pregnant?"

The doctor reached for another hypospray. "This should help you some."

"Pregnant?"

"One-hundred percent. Congratulations."

Kathryn didn't say anything for a long moment. Sliding off the biobed, she left sickbay without another word and moved quickly to the bridge.

Stepping out of the turbolift, and feeling much better thanks to the hypo, she crossed the bridge to her ready room, calling the commander to join her. He instantly turned command over to Tuvok and followed.

She allowed him to pass her and then turned to the door and engaged the privacy lock.

He stared at her, his warm eyes full of questions. "Did you go to sickbay?"

She looked at him for a minute. "Sit down Chakotay."

He shook his head. "What did you find out?"

"You really should sit down."

"Why? You never were one to cushion a blow before. I can handle it."

"I'm pregnant."

He did sit down then. Right on the floor as his knees buckled under him. Embarrassed he pulled himself onto the couch, his eyes wide as saucers. "You're what?" Then his eyes narrowed. "Who's the father?" he asked coldly.

Her mouth fell open as she sat down beside him. "You are!" she exclaimed, hurt he could even think that of her.

He swallowed hard. "I'm sorry. It's just....ah...well...we haven't exactly had that kind of relationship lately....."

She looked down. "I was hoping you'd be please with the news. After all, I seem to recall you once saying something about wanting children."

His eyes flew to her face. "Of course I'm happy!" he scooted closer to her and slid his arm on the back of the couch beside her shoulders. "I'm just...well....stunned at the moment."

She nodded coolly. "To be expected." she said standing up to put distance between them.

He stood also and came toward her. All of the promises he'd made to himself just last night about keeping his distance and trying to get over her flew out of his mind as he gathered her against his chest. Holding her tightly he didn't speak until he felt her arms slide around his waist and return the hug.

"Kathryn, I never had much of a family when I was young. My father and I were never very close. He didn't want me to join Starfleet. Instead he thought I should learn the ways of our tribe. It wasn't until later I realized he was right, that I did need to learn them, but I want for this child to grow up happy, he or she will have a huge family thanks to the Voyager crew. And I want to be a huge part of our baby's life."

She snuggled her face into his shoulder. "I want for you to, too. Even though I have some good memories of my father and I, there was always the feeling that Starfleet was more important. He didn't always have time to play with my sister and me. Or to go to our competitions. It hurt. But I know I can count on you to be there for our child."

They stood there for awhile. Just holding each other. Each alone with their own thoughts about this new life they would see in a very short time. Chakotay's hand undid her customary clip that held her hair back and began running his hands through the soft tresses.

"We have to tell the crew."

Janeway groaned. "Just think of how much fun the rumor mill will have with this one."

Chakotay laughed. "But they have to know."

Janeway pulled back so she could look up at Chakotay's face. "We could just let them figure it out on their own." she smiled.

"You are a cruel woman, Captain." he lowered his head to claim her lips.

Beep..........beep........beep.........beep........beep........beep......beep.......the door chimed for the seventh time before the couple realized they had missed it. Embarrassed they pulled apart. Janeway quickly pulled her hair back before calling "Come."

Tuvok stepped in frowning. "Captain, commander, I just wanted to make sure everything is ok. You have been in here for awhile now. I can see Mr. Paris is ready to start rumors if this continues much longer."

'Not to mention you wanted to check up on us and make sure we were behaving.' Janeway thought to herself remember how many times Tuvok had cornered her and reminded her that having a relationship with her first officer was illogical.

"Everything is fine, Tuvok. But please, call a senior staff meeting in the conference room in ten minutes." she said aloud.

He nodded and then turned leaving.

As the door slid shut Janeway moved back into the arms of her first officer. He cast a cautious glance at the door leading to the bridge.

"The privacy lock is still engaged, Commander." she said reading his mind.

He smiled down at her and then met her waiting lips.

~ * =/\= * ~

Ten minutes later.....

Janeway was pleased at how quickly her senior officers gathered in the conference room on such short notice. "Reports?"

"We're having a little trouble with the biogel packs." B'Elanna began. "Ensign Wilner has been up to her elbows in the gel all day looking for the problem. But we're still not any closer."

Everyone except Tuvok hid a smile at B'Elanna's ordering Ensign Wilner to do the messy job. Most were also wondering what she had done to get on the chief engineer's bad side this time.

"Keep working on it then. We can't afford to have them give out." Janeway instructed dismissing the subject confident B'Elanna could take care of the job.

Silence descended around the table. "Anything else?" Janeway finally asked.

"I've been having a little trouble with long range sensors, but I've got a team working on it. They should be done by the time this meeting is over." Harry Kim offered.

She nodded. "Very good." Turning she looked around the table, her gaze resting on Chakotay a beat longer than the rest. He gave her a small smile.

"Well then, if that is all, I have a bit of news. It's not going to be ship news yet, but I assume it will be by the time we're out of here."

Everyone looked expectantly at her. Well, everyone except the doctor who grinned smugly from sickbay's computer.

Taking a deep breath, she looked down at her hands and plunged in, "Chakotay and I are going to have a baby." Not one person moved or spoke a word. Cautiously, she glanced around the table for reactions.

Tuvok stared straight ahead. Unaffected by this announcement, on the outside. But Janeway could see the emotions playing out behind his eyes. Undoubtedly thinking how unwise it would be for the first officer and captain to have a child together at this time.

Harry Kim's eyes had gone wide as he turned to stare at the captain, then at the commander, then back at the captain, then back to the commander, and so forth. His mouth had fallen open enough to dock a shuttle in, Janeway thought.

B'Elanna eyes had grown wide also with her klingon frown that was normal on her lips. But she was just staring at Chakotay. Then she slowly turned her gaze to the captain a smile spreading across her face.

Tom Paris, for the first time in his life, was speechless. He was frozen to the spot staring at the captain, trying to get his mind to comprehend that the captain was going to have a baby. A baby!! One of those squirming, tiny, pink things that cried all the time,....and then grew into such cute kids.

Neelix's mouth was working, but his voice was not. He kept trying to say something, but only his jaws were working, opening and closing rapidly.

Seven, who would assuredly have many questions later for the captain, was calmly taking in the reactions of her crew members. She didn't see what the reactions were for. Wasn't it true that people had to have children if they wished for their species to continue?

Janeway suddenly became aware of a foot rubbing hers. She turned her attention to Chakotay. He was beaming at her. She returned the smile and the love in his eyes.

Finally B'Elanna gained control of her voice. "Congratulations Captain, Commander!"

Neelix stood up to come around the table where he gave a surprised Janeway a big hug and then turned to pump the commander's hand furiously. "I must say, this is quite a surprise, but defiantly a delightful surprise."

Paris smiled widely. "Should B'Elanna and I submit our plans for combining your quarters now?" he asked mischievously. When both frowned at him he held up his hands. "Sorry, but congratulations."

"Will the command stay as it is?" Harry inquired.

Everyone was talking at once with their own ideas. It was all so confusing. Janeway held up her hand for silence which was given immediately.

"I will remain captain. Chakotay will remain my first officer. But for a few weeks after the birth, he may be on the bridge in my place." she answered calming their fears of having to adjust to a new captain, even one as kind as Chakotay. "Are there anymore questions or concerns?"

"How are you going to tell the crew?" a blunt remark from Paris.

Janeway shook her head. "I really don't want to think about telling them yet. It will be done at a more appropriate time, such as when I feel a little better."

Immediately all the officers were concerned. Alarm leapt to Chakotay's eyes as he watched his wife rise.

"Are you ok, captain?" B'Elanna asked.

"I'll be fine. I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit though. Dismissed."

The officers filed out in a flurry of whispers.

"Going to your quarters?" She should have known Chakotay would remain.

Kathryn nodded. "I think I need to. Now I know why I've been so tired lately."

He followed her with a hand on her back. "I'll walk you back."

"I can find my way, Commander." she said softly reaching the turbolift.

"Not after I let you go to sickbay on your own and you didn't make it."

Her eyes leapt to his face as they traveled to deck 3. "How did you find out about that?"

"Lt. Jaanks told someone in the science lab, who told someone in engineering ,who told B'Elanna, who told me." he smiled at her slipping his arm around her waist.

She shook her head. "Something has to be done about this gossiping."

"Well, let's give them something more to gossip about." he moved even closer to her.

"Not here Chakotay." she admonished with a smile while wagging a finger at him. "Making out with your CO in the 'lift is a definite no no according to regulations."

Grumbling when the doors slid open he followed her to her quarters.

"So, when do Paris and B'Elanna get to design joined quarters for us?" he asked once they were inside.

She turned with a raised eyebrow to him. "Let's wait a bit."

"Before the baby is born?"

"Probably." She collapsed on the couch with a sigh. Before Chakotay could pull a blanket over her she was asleep. He leaned down to her sleeping form and kissed her gently. Then he quietly exited her quarters.

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway opened her eyes trying to remember why she had fallen asleep on her sofa. Then she remembered. Her hand drifted down to her still flat stomach and wondered how long it would be before she began to show.

"Computer what time is it?" she asked pulling herself up to a sitting position.

"1735 hours."

She sat up straight now. She'd slept most of the day away! Slipping over to her computer she saw that many messages had been left for her. Over 70 in fact! Usually she only got about 15 messages a day. Sitting down she began to go through them. Almost every one was a note of congratulations for the expectant mother.

Janeway wasn't sure she wanted to know how over half the crew was aware of her state, but she suspected a certain helm's officer was responsible. She sent a short reply to each note, very short since there were over 70. By the time she was done, she wanted some dinner.

Making her way to the mess hall she was congratulated by everyone who saw her. Once inside she spotted Chakotay accepting congratulations also. Slipping over to him she took the chair across from him. Two ensigns from the aerodynamics labs were just leaving.

"How does everyone know??" she whispered furiously at Chakotay.

"Just as I was leaving your quarters I heard the tail end of Paris announcing it over the comm system."

She closed her eyes, a feeling of dread slipping over her. "The whole ship knows?"

He took her small hand in his large one and began caressing it on the table. "They had to find out sometime. It saved us some time and explaining."

"I had over 70 mail messages for me when I got up, Commander." She grumbled.

He snorted in laughter. "Then I can probably expect about the same."

They sat in silence, each one eating and alone in their thoughts. When they had finished dinner Chakotay invited her to Sandrines which she agreed to knowing they would have to face the crew eventually and endure the congratulations.

When they got to the holodeck they were immediately the center of the crowd. Fighting against the crew Chakotay managed to find a small table big enough for just the two of them on the edges of the club. They sat down to watch the other crew members.

"Has the doctor told you if it's a boy or girl?" Chakotay asked nervously.

She met his eyes. "I'm not sure I want to know." she admitted. "The idea of not knowing is kind of exciting."

"So is the idea of knowing." Chakotay said. "Then we can think of names and decorate a room for him or her.

"Which do you want?" Janeway asked.

He thought about it for a minute. "I don't really care which. But I think a girl would be nice."

She smiled. "See? You do care. But what if it's a boy?"

"Then I'll have someone to take on the holodeck fishing and hunting."

"A girl can do those things." Janeway contradicted.

"Yeah..."

"Everything going ok down in engineering?" Janeway asked as Tom and B'Elanna joined them, remembering the bioneural problem.

B'Elanna hesitated. "The computer froze this afternoon. But other than that and the bioneural gel packs, everything is fine. Andrea managed to figure it out."

"The computer froze?"

Paris looked away as B'Elanna explained. "It seems that 93% of the ship's crew accessed their ration accounts for transfers just after 1300 hours today."

The two senior most officers exchanged amused glances.

"I trust that your ration account is in the same state as it was before our announcement. Isn't that right, Tom?"

"Ahem....well, mostly." Tom refused to meet the eyes of his COs.

Janeway shook her head at Chakotay and stopped him before he could launched into an argument about privacy policies. They continued their conversations about ship's business, but halfway through Janeway nodded off and her head dropped to the table.

"Didn't know we were that boring." Tom remarked with a smirk.

Chakotay lifted his sleeping wife into his arms. "If you'll excuse us, I don't think the captain wants to wake up on the holodeck."

Not one person on the holodeck missed seeing the commander carrying a sleeping captain out of the holodeck. Many glances were exchanged and a few people mentioned their thanks that the two had finally realized they were in love.

Once in her quarters he gently laid her on her bed and pulled her boots off. She stirred and opened her eyes.

"Chakotay?" she mumbled.

"You fell asleep in Sandrines." he said softly, pulling her hair down around her shoulders.

She nodded and closed her eyes again. When he stood up to leave her eyes flew open.

"Stay?" she asked.

His eyes opened wide. "Are you sure?"

She nodded groggily and then snuggled against him as he climbed in her bed. Before Chakotay could get his arms around her she was already asleep.

~ * =/\= * ~

Tom and B'Elanna stood on the edge of the crowd at Sandrines.

"I've never seen the captain fall asleep like that." Tom remarked swirling the red contents of his glass.

"You've never seen the captain pregnant before either." B'Elanna tossed back taking a sip of her own drink.

"True." he admitted. "Wanna play another game of pool?"

"Sure. I feel like winning a game or two."

He made a face at her. "You wish Torres."

"Don't think I can?" she asked crossing her arms over her chest.

"Come on B'Elanna, everyone knows that after the captain, I'm the best pool player."

"Is that a challenge?"

"Sure, but let's make it interesting. A bet."

"Just what are you willing to bet fly boy?" she asked with a smirk.

He grinned. "Hmmmm....let's see......ok..if I win, you get to cover my duty shifts in sickbay next week. I've had about enough of that hologram."

She nodded accepting the challenge. "And if I win, you get to finish up the diagnostic on the biogel packs. Ensign Wilner isn't happy about doing the job by herself."

He wrinkled his nose. "I've definitely got to win this one."

And so the game began. Things were pretty evenly matched until B'Elanna sunk four balls in a row. By the time she missed the fifth, Paris was visibly sweating. Nervously he shot, but missed. 'Oh those gel packs...' he moaned to himself.

B'Elanna only had two balls left to sink. Harry watched as she missed and it bounced off the side.

Tom could still make a come back, but he'd have to sink five in a row to just catch up to her.

Ensign Wilner, after hearing of the bet, came over to watch. She really wanted B'Elanna to win.

B'Elanna sank the solid 3 and 7. Then she turned to the 8 ball. "Corner pocket." she muttered. Pulling back on the cue stick she hit the ball. A dull thud was heard as Tom's head drooped.

"Stupid gel packs." he muttered.

B'Elanna's triumphant smile flashed over to Tom.

He grinned back at her. "You will pay Torres."

She just raised her eyebrows. "You're going to be the one up to his elbows in bioneural gel tomorrow."

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway stretched her arms. Something was beside her. She jerked awake when her hand clenched someone's uniform fabric. Turning she found Chakotay sound asleep beside her. She couldn't help but smile and snuggle up to his chest as she drifted off again.

Chakotay woke up a few minutes later. Kathryn had her arms wrapped around him so he couldn't move without waking her, and there was no way he was going to do that. He ran his fingers through her golden brown tresses captivated by their softness on his bare hands. Content to lay and watch her sleep he did just that.

She could feel someone's gaze on her. Opening her eyes she found her first officer smiling down at her.

"Good morning, Captain." he said with laughter behind his voice.

She found herself accepting his kiss. Finally they both pulled apart and began getting dressed.

For the first time in a week, Janeway realized, she hadn't woken up feeling sick. The doctor had given her a hypospray for her nausea and dizziness, and apparently it was working wonderfully.

~ * =/\= * ~

"I've found it captain!" B'Elanna cried excitedly rushing into the bridge with Tom on her heels.

"You found it?" he asked.

She glared at him. "Ok, so you helped Ensign Wilner."

Janeway looked up at the two expectantly.

"The bioneural gel packs." B'Elanna reminded the captain. "There was a tiny infection in one." She held it up. "It's so tiny that Ensign Wilner missed it, but it's at a key point in the connection relays."

Janeway eyed the gooey green gel pack B'Elanna held as she felt her stomach lurch. "Why don't you replace it and get rid of it." she said watching some of the slime ooze over B'Elanna's hand. "Just...get it off the bridge."

B'Elanna grinned. "Aye captain."

~ * =/\= * ~

Once again, a new routine was settled into. They didn't usually sleep in the same bed unless Janeway felt she needed him there. So, Chakotay was back on the couch in her living room. But once awake, they would eat breakfast together and head to the bridge. Janeway was becoming accustomed to a short afternoon nap. Then in the evening they would eat dinner and go over crew reports.

They found out that they were going to be proud parents of a daughter and soon all their free time was consumed with thinking of names and how they would decorate her room.

"Minnie." Chakotay said leaning against the couch where his wife sat.

"Minnie?"

"Mmmm..hmm..... Tom was telling me about two characters who were important among children a couple hundred years ago. Minnie was the female, and I think Mickey was the male."

"Not Minnie...I don't really like the name." Kathryn pulled her knees up.

"How about Kathryn?"

Janeway shook her head. "I always swore I'd never name my child after me or my husband. Too confusing."

Chakotay nodded. "Camilla?"

"Camilla....." Janeway smiled. "I like it."

"Camilla Janeway?" he asked with a smile. "I don't exactly have a last name for our daughter."

"Cami Janeway." Kathryn said with a wide smile reaching to her blue eyes.. "It's perfect." She laid a hand on her stomach.

"Can you feel her?" Chakotay moved to join her on the couch.

"I'm not even showing." Kathryn laughed. "We've only known about her for two weeks, Chakotay."

He twisted his face at her. "Well I can still wish to feel her." he said placing his hand over hers.

Janeway turned this way and that until she was comfortable in her husband's embrace. They sat unspeaking. She thought of the tiny life inside her. Would Cami be an outgoing child? No, more than likely she would be bright, but reserved, like her parents. But would she have Kathryn's scientific mind, or Chakotay's leading one? Would her eyes be warm and brown or a cool blue? Would she have black hair or would it be golden brown with traces of red? Kathryn couldn't wait to find out. She already loved the child she and Chakotay would raise.

Chakotay breathed in the scent of Kathryn's hair. She was deep in thought he could tell. Probably about their little girl. He liked to think of her too. Hopefully she would look just like his beautiful wife. Then again, maybe it'd be better if she didn't, the thought of someone like Tom's children chasing his Cami was disturbing.

"Captain to bridge."

"On my way."

Janeway reluctantly pulled herself out of her husband's arms and flew to the bridge with her XO close on her heels.

"Report." she snapped stepping out of the turbolift.

"Captain, scans show a V'Lorian vessel on an intercept course, they are powering weapons." Harry said from behind his station.

"How long until intercept?" Janeway asked.

"Two minutes." Tuvok replied, abdicating her seat.

"Shields up. Maximum power to weapons."

"Visual range."

"On screen."

The ship took its first hit then. "Return fire!" Janeway shouted, gripping the rail to prevent herself from being thrown to the floor.

The ship was rocked again as they fired and were fired upon. Harry's console exploded before their eyes. He was thrown backwards and knocked unconscious.

"Target weapons, Mr. Tuvok!"

Janeway jumped up with the intent on getting to his station, but the ship was hit again, tossing her to the floor. She pulled herself up and continued trying to get to the station. The ship was hit again, throwing her to the floor where she landed hard.

Tuvok sent a series of phaser beams at the weapons array of the other ship. The Vidian ship suddenly lit up and exploded.

But Janeway never saw any of it. She was laying on the floor of the bridge with Chakotay bent over her. "Emergency beam out to sickbay!" he yelled.

~ * =/\= * ~

When Janeway came to she wasn't on the bridge anymore. The doctor's face swam before her eyes. And she noticed that she felt different.

"What's wrong with me?" she asked groggily trying to sit up. An unexpected pain in her head forced her to lay down.

"Don't sit." he urged. "You were hit pretty hard."

"Is that all? I hit my head?" at the looks from the doctor and her XO she knew there was more "What's wrong with me? Why are you looking at me like that? Chakotay?"

Chakotay was beside her, tears running down his face. He reached forward and took her hand. "We lost the baby." he said softly through tears.

The doctor quietly moved back to his office. There was nothing more he could do.

Kathryn stared at him for a minute trying to grasp what he was saying. "No." she gasped. Tears pricked at her eyes and stung. "No!" she said a little more loudly. "We can't lose Cami. We just named her!" The water spilled forth creating a river down her dry cheeks. "Cami..."

"I know, Kathryn." Chakotay lifted her enough to allow him to pull her in his lap after he climbed on the biobed. Her body was wracked with sobs as she clutched Chakotay. Hot tears seeped through the front of his uniform as he held his wife. Together they cried for their daughter.

~ * =/\= * ~

Janeway was released to her quarters the next day. She sat on the couch by the window drinking coffee when the door chimed. She didn't answer it. She had told Chakotay to allow no one to come see her. It continued to chime. She had locked it. No one could come in without overriding it.

Then someone did override the lock.

She looked up as Chakotay moved into her quarters. "Kathryn?" he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding while standing in the hall. "I was worried about you." he came over to her couch and tried to gather her in his arms. She pushed away.

"Commander, please don't." she said stiffly.

"You need me now, Kat. I need you.."

She swallowed hard. "Don't call me by my first name. I'm your captain."

He stared at her trying to figure out what was going on. "You're my wife and friend."

"Maybe I don't need friends." She said. "I certainly don't need a husband."

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't need friends or a husband." she repeated. "They've only brought hurt in my life. I would appreciate it if you would leave."

He stood looking over her. She was hurting over losing the baby, he knew. Maybe this was how she was going to deal with it. He would let her, for a few days. Turning he walked to the door. "I'm here when you need me Kathryn." then he let the door slide shut behind him.

She didn't need him. She wanted to call him back. But she couldn't. She had made a decision. Cami had died. Justin had died. Daddy had died. She had lost Mark. She would not lose Chakotay. It seemed that every time she got close to someone, they died. Well she couldn't live without Chakotay there, so she would pull back so she couldn't lose him.

~ * =/\= * ~

Not one person on Voyager failed to notice that the captain was losing weight and looked....well, awful. She continued to pull her hair up in that bun, making her face look even thinner. Rarely was she seen off duty out of her quarters. She even took her meals in her quarters. While on duty, she spent as much time as she could in her ready room.

Chakotay was feeling like he had taken on the job as captain. But if that's what she needed, then he'd do it. He was the one who spent his time on the bridge. It was he who was in Sandrines for the crew to talk to and look up to. He didn't even see Janeway often during the day. She had become like a ghost. The crew served under her, but no one saw her, they were only vaguely aware of her presence on the ship.

~ * =/\= * ~

Seven stood outside the captain's quarters wondering if she should do this. Harry had talked her into it, but she was still unsure of herself. Squaring her shoulders she pressed the door chime.

"Come." a tired voice answered the call.

Seven stepped into the captain's quarters and let her eyes adjust to the lower lighting.

"What can I do for you, Seven?" Janeway asked standing.

Seven came forward and sat when the captain motioned for her to do so. "I did not come here about myself, Captain." she said. "I came because the crew is concerned about you."

Janeway looked up startled. Usually if the crew had something to say, they said it to Chakotay and he told her. It was unusual for a crew member to come to her, but then Seven was not your average crew member.

"I have taken your advice to become involved with the crew." she continued. "Ensign Harry Kim and I are forging a friendship, like you suggested. We were concerned why you have not joined the crew at Sandrines or even in the mess hall for the past month."

"I'm sorry, Seven." she said looking out at the stars. "Loosing this baby hasn't been easy for me. And I've drawn into a shell so I can mourn for my child."

"Is it not a sad time for the father?" Seven asked genuinely curious.

Janeway looked up surprised. "Yes...of course it is for the father too."

Seven's eyebrows came closer together on her forehead. "Then why does Commander Chakotay come to Sandrines and interact with the crew?"

Janeway paused before answering. "All humans deal with grief in their own way. Commander Chakotay feels the need to socialize. He probably does it to take his mind off of his loss. I, on the other hand, tend to spend time alone."

"Dwelling on it?"

"In a way, yes."

"Is not that unhealthy?"

Janeway started. "It can be. If someone dwells on it for a long period of time."

Seven stared past Janeway's shoulder silent. "How else do humans 'deal with grief'?"

Janeway thought for minute trying to figure out how to answer this question from a former Borg member. Some simply cry at the time, and then they are ok. Others will bury themselves in their work. Which I have been known to do also." she admitted. "Sometimes, if enough work is not available, a person will surround themselves with so many activities, they are always busy."

Seven nodded standing rigidly. "Thank you for enlightening me, Captain. The crew wishes for you to know that you are always welcome to join us."

"Thank you, Seven." Janeway smiled for the first time in weeks.

~ * =/\= * ~

Slowly, ever so slowly, Janeway began to take a notice in her crew again. She realized from Seven's visit that the crew was concerned, and that she couldn't mourn for Cami any longer. She had to be there, be the strong one for the crew. Gradually she went back to normal daily activities and even went to Sandrines once in awhile.

It wasn't unusual to find the captain with a cup of coffee and a padd with a crew report on it sitting in the mess hall now. Slowly she took a sip of the burning liquid as she read over what B'Elanna had written about the warp coils. This was one of her more favorite reports to read. The scientist in her was allowed to come forward and offer solutions to whatever problem may be at hand for the day.

She didn't see the tall man standing before her until he set his plate on the table. "Mind if I join you, Captain?"

Startled she nearly choked on her coffee. Gasping she looked up at her first officer and motioned for him to sit.

"I'm sorry." He hid a smile. "I didn't mean to make you choke."

She tried to ignore the feeling of her stomach filling with butterflies when she looked at him. "I'll be fine."

"You may be, and I may be....but will we be?"

He certainly didn't waste anytime getting to the point, she thought wryly. "Our friendship is on hold right now commander."

He stabbed a piece of green fruit and stuck it in his mouth. "But is that's what's best? For the crew? To see the senior officers tip toeing around each other?"

She didn't answer. Instead she got up and took the padd and left a gaping Chakotay staring after her. She left him. She had actually left him!, he thought frantically. Well two could play that game. He would force her to answer him.

Jumping up he followed her out into the corridor and ducked into her turbolift just before the doors shut.

"Halt turbolift. What are you so afraid of if we're friends, Kathryn?" he demanded softly.

She let her eyes meet his. "What am I afraid of??" Her face took on a cool look. "I lost my father and fiancee in a shuttle crash. I lost Mark when we were tossed out here. I lost Cami. Do you need to ask why I won't get close to anyone again? If you and I had another child, and I lost that one too, I couldn't bear it....or if I lost you..." she said the last words very softly.

He took a step closer. "Kathryn, I'm not going to say that we will never lose one another, but I believe that loving you while I can is much better than not loving you so I can be safe. Because if you died, I'd regret that I never had the chance."

She didn't meet his eyes, instead she just stared at the black on his uniform. He felt her defenses coming down which made him decide to step even closer. Taking a step back Janeway tried to regain control of her quivering chin. Realizing she was going to start crying she closed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her face into his shoulder as she cried. Chakotay held her tightly pulling her hair down and running his hands through it. He was amazed at how thin she was, there seemed to be nothing left to her. He didn't want to let go; he wanted to make all the hurt go away.

Finally Kathryn began taking in gulps of air trying to regain her composure. She pulled back a little and wiped her red, puffy eyes. Tiny shy smiles were exchanged between the couple. She reclaimed her barrette from Chakotay's hand and quickly redid her hair.

"Friends at least?" Chakotay asked.

She hesitated before standing on tip toe to give him a soft kiss on his lips. He froze staring down at her. Bright blue eyes met warm brown ones.

"Seventy years is a long time, Commander. Dinner in my quarters tonight?"

"Aye, Captain."